As I explained to you, the child victim to survive will partition his life into several parts.

I have parts in me, a lot. All of these parts are parts of me having experienced atrocious things. It is as if to survive the mistreatment and rape that I have undergone I had shared inwardly the pain, the feelings, the knowledge of the facts in order to be able to stand, be able to smile, be able to learn, be able to live .

 

Before being diagnosed with DID, 3 years ago, my life was only a succession of switches (the fact of changing my personality which interacts with the outside world), parts which came in turn to speak and interact with my environment. I did not understand myself, I was constantly afraid, hurt in my body, in my stomach. I made decisions without understanding why, the smallest event brought me to have feelings and multiplied reactions. I sank into despair, terror, anguish all the time.

 

I had many moments when I no longer recognized myself, moments when I lost my skills without knowing and understanding why. I could find myself driving my car and suddenly get lost on a trip that I made every day, I could find myself at work unable to do a simple addition or subtraction as if I no longer knew how to count. Faced with verbal abuse from some people, I froze for long minutes unable to act and protect myself while at other times I was able to scream and defend myself. I very often felt immense fatigue which made me fall asleep suddenly without being able to fight as if I had taken a very powerful medication. On some days I was able to go shopping, go outside for a walk and other times I was unable to panic or crushed by immense fatigue without real cause. I was able to manage my papers and some days I was unable to do so I found myself in front of this page to fill in, having to enter my details and I no longer knew how to write, I no longer knew anything taken from an immense terror, I no longer remembered my name, my date of birth, that of my daughters, I no longer knew my address ...

 

I had holes in my memory, huge periods of my past where I was absolutely unable to remember where I had lived and what I had lived, not a single memory. And on the other hand, harmless events, or events that seemed to be that kept coming back and obsessing me.

 

Sexually I was always passive, I lay down and as dead, a dead weight I let go until finally it was over, I only reacted when the man with whom I was getting angry, there , panic and terror, guilt invaded me and I did what he wanted so that he did not get angry anymore. Then I felt anger inside, guilt, I was very bad.

 

I had long moments where I was obsessed with certain things, certain tasks, cleaning for example was something that I systematically did when the man with whom I was had been angry or had expressed his dissatisfaction (even if I was not the cause), then I became conchita, a servant who did everything to please him until crawling at his feet.

 

At times I was able to be intelligent, to learn, to take exams and at others I no longer had these skills and knowledge, it was as if they had disappeared. With some people I could chatting for long hours and having a constructed and advanced speech, with other people I was unable to align three words, my mind was empty, I could no longer think and express my thoughts… I felt a constant yo-yo in my inner emotions, i felt strong, self-assured, intelligent then the next minute i was a stupid little girl who needed to be reassured and told her what to do. I was seized with terror, then with anger, then I had an immense despair without understanding why I felt all this, what was the cause.

 

Making a decision was very painful for me because my mind kept changing my point of view, my desire, my goal… I was unable to know who I was. The simple fact of having to choose how to dress was difficult. In the morning I could put on sexis clothes and an hour later feel bad in this outfit and not understand why and when I put it on and if these clothes really belong to me or when I could buy them.

 

Some days, driving a tractor, a big truck or a forklift is no problem for me and at other times I am unable, paralyzed, panicked, I no longer recognize the pedals and controls ...

 

I lived stories with men, some days I was lucid, able to understand and recognize that I was victim of violence and I decided to put an end to it, to save myself and I did everything to put in place my safety and as soon as I managed to do it I was panicking and in terror, I had enormous anxiety attacks, in my head I heard screaming "go back with him, immediately!" and I was running unable to act otherwise as if my survival depended on it. Some days I remembered at the ready word what this man had said or done to me and at other times I had no memory of it as if it had never existed.

 

I always knew something was wrong with me, I was aware in a way of these incessant switches. I was aware that I had a lot of different thoughts, goals, I just thought I was a little bit unsure of myself, that I didn't really have a personality and that belief was reinforced by the words repeated over and over by the guru of the sect in which I grew up and his wife who told me from a very young age that I needed their advice, that only they could help me make the decisions for my life and choose what I should make it. From a very young age, the guru during these sessions of "confession" with me told me what I should think, like, what studies I should do, or where was my place ... All the adults with whom I had grown did the same, the guru and his wife decided everything for them, what they should do with their money, or live, what tasks to perform, how to heal themselves, what thoughts were good or bad, how to judge others, their vision of the world and of company ... I grew up with this model, for me it was normal. When adults joined our community, they made their vows before God and put their lives in the hands of the gurus, they vowed to obey them blindly and to break this vow was to break their oath with God.

 

From my earliest childhood, I had contradictory feelings and objectives, vis-à-vis them and what I was experiencing but I had been instilled in the depths of me that criticizing, disobeying, thinking for myself was the work of the evil one, of the devil. I felt a lot of guilt, I thought I was bad and the more I felt these contradictions in me the more I felt bad, the more I became desperate…

 

A healthy child needs material security, emotional security and physical security. His parents, his family, the referent adults with whom he interacts must bring him love, food, a healthy environment or live (be warm, be safe ...), teach him to trust him, to have esteem for him, to consider him as a person, a being in his own right, to help him build his thinking and his critical sense so that once he is an adult, he is able to make choices, to have an opinion, to respect and be respected, to take care of his body and his health and that he knows how to be empathetic towards others, which will allow him to link relationships with others, to work and to have social relations.

 

I was not given all of these criteria. I of course received love, I made friends, I was protected at times, I was fed ... if not I would not be here today to talk to you! But it has not been constant. Many of the people, adult referents I had to deal with could be affectionate and kind at times and also be the ones who tortured me at other times. There was something to go completely crazy!

 

This is the reason for the training of my DID. How could any spirit conceive and understand that someone could tell you "I love you, you are my adopted daughter" and tie you up, drug you, sell you to men, rape you, beat you. ..? What if that same person is the one who has the right to life and death over you and all the other adults around? If this person can decide to send you to live in a country at war or in a very poor country, if this person decides and has control over your money, the food you have the right to eat, the clothes you wear, if he can decide that you have to leave your parents and who you have to marry without anyone reacting around, what would you do? if that person is the one who gives the rewards or the punishments and can make your life a real hell, what would you do?

 

I had no other choice but to partition my life and what I lived, to make sure not to know the worst of what I lived, to close my memory with large hermetic partitions while waiting to be able to be sufficiently in safety, to find people who can finally listen to me and bring me help ...

 

All the adults around me obeyed the guru like little dogs, no outside help from the authorities was possible.

 

If I had known all the time what I was experiencing on a daily basis, for example in the middle of one of the guru's teachings, I could have stood up and said that he had just raped me. Nobody would have believed me, or supported me, I had seen the treatment imposed on all people criticizing the guru, they were chased from the community with nothing, their photos, their existence disappeared, we no longer had the right to pronounce their last name. I had no place to go, I was a child. I also grew up with fear and hatred of society, a very critical and negative vision instilled by everyone in the community. My family, my grandparents were demonized, we hardly saw them and they were bad because they did not adhere to our way of life.

 

I had to make sure I survived. I had to be a perfect, believing, docile little girl who swallowed all the teachings we gave her, I had to be this little girl who didn't cry and "loved being raped", I had to be this teasing little girl who smiled when we filmed her naked and tied up, I had to be this little girl who said that she would remain a virgin until marriage and would be a perfect wife and mother because religion prohibits all relationships outside marriage ...

 

So I grew up like that, my life, my identity, what I lived, who I was, how I acted adapting to each situation without knowing anything about what I had said or done a few minutes before.

 

If I had known, I would have died. I would have killed myself or they would have found a way to silence me or kill me.