What you need to understand first is that there is no identical DID. The care to bring us will therefore have no pre-established directives and procedures to follow ... You will have to adapt to us, to our parties and to our needs ... The testimony which will follow therefore only reflects my own system for dealing and survive the rapes.

Our parties are formed according to the trauma suffered, our environment, the meetings we meet, the kind people and resources encountered on our chaotic journey and the failures we experience when we call for help.

 

For my part, I was born and I grew up in a new Catholic community which has been recognized by sectarian aberrations and whose canonical recognition has been withdrawn from it by the Catholic Church.

I was raped from the age of 2-3 years until adulthood, acts of torture, I was locked in cages guarded by Dobermans, I was tied, beaten and offered and sold to outsiders. I was gang raped, filmed and photographed, drugged and taken to outside places to be raped.

There have been many rapist men: priests, the guru of this sect, my father, teachers and women accomplices, actresses or spectators ...

The sect guru was the instigator of all this. He manipulated my mind so that I was in his grip from an early age and he manipulated all the adults around me so that my word could never be heard. These people around participated by closing my eyes and refusing to see all the signals that I kept sending. They also participated in the sense that they did not stop their daily behavior by blindly obeying such small children and taught me implicitly that disobeying and criticizing was impossible. They allowed themselves to be mistreated until their complete exhaustion, how could I have found help and help near people who have forgotten themselves to this point?

 

When I was very young, I had only a few parts, identities that were part of me, carrying the sensory and motor sensations, the memories of the violence suffered and a main personality that played a role in my daily life when I was undergoing nothing. This allowed me to act and interact with my living environment in an adequate manner and to be able to "be a little girl" of 2-3 years "normal". These parts, these memories, could not be understood, assimilated because not rescued by adults, they remained "frozen" in the state. I still have these parts of me in me and when they come to speak to me I act and speak as I did at the age of 2-3 years with the same vocabulary, the same way of crying and speaking. .. One of my parties "captured" the way of being and of benevolence of a child with Down's syndrome resource of my entourage and started to act internally and externally like her, which saved me and helped me for a time. This child with Down's syndrome taught me to pray and believe in the virgin mary, she gave me a lot of tenderness and love when we lived the worst. She taught me when terrorized I was in the cages to pray to the holy virgin and to calm anxiety and despair.

A new form of violence with rituals has created new parties which have come into conflict with the god-believing parties. My system is more complex. How to reconcile that adults can openly promote their "holiness and their Catholic faith" and in a hidden way torture me and perform "ungodly" acts?

 

I worked as best I could for a few years, the violence persisted, then this child with Down's syndrome died. New parts were created carrying my despair and a strong desire to die.

 

My parts are specialized and divided into groups: some carrying my despair and my desires to die, some carrying my anger, others my helplessness and my fate, some tirelessly testing different techniques aimed at saying what I was going through or testing the reactions of my executioners or how to escape their violence ... I learned to "specialize" my different parts and to have a range of actions and reactions all aimed at protecting myself or making sure to minimize the violence.

 

The sect guru asked me to confess to him and tell the bottom of the least of my thoughts: a part was created to interact with him, docile, sincere, loving and affectionate, pure, she knew nothing and could not reveal nothing at these "noseworm draw" sessions. Was I going to be raped? Obedient parts presented themselves if that made it less violent or if I felt that the rapist opposite wanted me to be seductive or sexualized certain parts took on this role ... I learned to adapt over time to all nonverbal and verbal signals and to make "come" the most adequate part according to my analysis of my observing parts allowing my survival.

 

Having been confronted with manipulation, the psychic grip my parts learned to hide, "control" and "analysis" parts started to help me in this task. With the help of my "observer" parties, they have helped me for years to adapt, interact in the most adequate way possible and find help and save me tirelessly.

 

It is thanks to them that I was able to flee this sect, find a psychologist able to help me and make sure that I do not commit suicide and do not sink into addiction or dangerous sexual behaviors as do many victims to escape the reminiscences of trauma.

 

This is how they send me the memories or the feelings of terror of certain parties each time I am tempted to use drugs or go to put myself in danger. The memory of the dogs chasing me with their mouths just behind my head allowed me to stop drinking or to refuse the drug that I was offered, taken in immense terror. Or else, a small part, bearing the memory of the drug that I was administered to fall asleep came and I fell asleep suddenly without being able to fight ...

 

Many of my parts have the names of the heroes of the books I read during my childhood which helped me to hope and to broaden my thought but prefer for the moment to hide behind a group of functions or feelings: the dreamers, the angry, suicidal, nuns, little ones, teens, controls, observers, sexis, moms, adults, jobs, intellectuals ...

 

Some of my parts are women or girls, others are boys or men. My tone of voice, my body language and posture changing depending on who expresses himself through my mouth.

 

Doctor Muriel Salmona's website allowing to understand dissociative disorders:

https://www.memoiretraumatique.org/psychotraumatismes/introduction.html