WHY IS TESTIMONY DIFFICULT?

Being able to write these lines on this site was a long journey of 3 years back, very painful and trying and this journey is not yet finished because for the moment I am not yet able to testify with open face and to wear complaint.

 

As I explained to you, I have many parts. Each of these parts has its own representation of what I must do, be, say ... The one and only purpose of the creation of these parts is to help me survive, to save myself.

 

There are three things that make testimony difficult:

- Traumatic amnesia

- The struggles over the survival objectives of my whole system of parts

- The ignorance of society and professionals on the consequences of trauma and their reality

 

First of all, traumatic amnesia , my parts were partitioned in my mind to allow me to survive, each being ignorant of the existence of the other and his actions and what he was experiencing.

 

My "PAN" parts were ignorant of what my trauma parts were going through, their goal being to pretend that everything was fine, as if everything was normal and that nothing had happened because around me nobody was protecting me, everyone obeyed my rapists and they had power over these people.

 

My word would not have been and was not taken seriously when I spoke and I suffered serious consequences since after speaking, the number of my rapists increased. And not knowing allowed me to be able to act in the presence of my rapists without being afraid, without being angry, I could when in public they said that I was "their adopted daughter, that they loved me" ... be grateful, affectionate ... If I hadn't done it I would be dead!

 

My amnesia was partial or complete, or even transient and recurrent with periods where memories were partially found and others where they were again forgotten according to what I experienced on a daily basis.

 

Even today, some days I know and remember precisely what I experienced and at times these memories are inaccessible as caught in a cloud of fog and blur. At certain times I can describe in detail the places and the course of my traumas, I remember the words, the face, the position of my body ... and everything becomes blurred, I know that something happened to me but everything is blurred like a distant dream that I would have had.

 

This amnesia is part of my survival because facing completely and constantly is very painful.

 

Remember that my awareness is not only intellectual , it is also sensory (I physically feel what I have been done in each part of my body: arms, back, sex, mouth, neck .. as if it were happening right now), it is emotional (I feel the terror, the pain identical to that which I felt at the time of the acts, my heart is racing , my brain panics, my stomach hurts, I tremble, I vomit, I am paralyzed with terror ...) and understand intellectually the horror of what I experienced, the betrayals suffered, the abandonment, the extent of neglect, the power used to perpetuate these acts, the involvement of those around me ... all this plunges me into despair, the desire to kill myself but also anger and hatred ...

 

All these feelings and very strong recentis are very trying for my body and my brain! I need to move smoothly, to have moments of respite or I no longer feel anything, or my brain no longer knows anything to be able to breathe and regain strength, to be able to hope and believe in myself and in it To be human.

 

It is for this reason that traumatic amnesia does not come up suddenly. It would be far too trying and unbearable!

 

To give you a concrete example, I have very few memories of my marriage to my ex-husband, things come back to me in snatches or flashes from time to time. But most of the time I don't remember anything. For good reason, I suffered rape and physical and psychological violence with him, he tried to push me to suicide and still continues to harass me. I tried to ask for help from the justice, it did nothing and I quickly understood that if I persisted in testifying, the custody of my daughters would be taken away from me. I had to make the choice of the least risk: accept and be silent or lose them and put my daughters in the arms of my main rapist, the father of my ex-husband, leave him all the power and impunity. Their father has them in alternate custody, I have no choice. So not to scream in despair and in terror, so that it happens in the most harmonious way possible and that my daughters do not suffer too much, I don't know anything anymore, I forget so that it is bearable, because I have no other choice ...

 

This memory loss and these reminiscences are also explained by the struggle over the survival objectives of my system of parts.

 

Many of my games, those that I don't think fall into the ANP or EP categories, were aimed at testing survival strategies.

 

I think that EP are very small parts which were not yet intelligent enough, rather elaborate because of my young age and therefore "suffered" the traumas without being able to analyze them and analyze the functioning of my executioners and people around who were protecting. I think that these EP can also appear in an adult or a teenager who undergoes a "single" trauma because this person will not have the vital need to analyze what he lives and to develop strategies of survival since once the trauma passed, it is "safe" and it does not happen again.

 

I think those parts that I have that don't fall into both categories must have analyzed and strategized. I suffered trauma from the age of two until adulthood.

 

To get out of it, I had to create parts that "study my attackers" to understand their mode of operation, to anticipate their actions and reactions and to test ways to escape them either by provoking them or by coaxing them. ..

 

I also have parties who specialize in "studying my environment ", knowing how people work, understanding rules and beliefs, making connections ... in order to find help.

 

Each of these parts developed a mode of thoughts, objectives, skills ... specialized in this assigned role and had no knowledge of the other internal roles and strategies.

 

And I have parts that make the link and bring together the knowledge and skills of these two groups of parts: my "control" parts.

 

This strategy, this "specialization" has allowed my survival since today I am safe, I was able to escape the sect and I am getting better and better but it is also the "cause" of my difficulty in testifying and talk.

 

Keep in mind that these parts that I have are parts of my personality, they are autonomous and each of them has its own experience and experience and drew conclusions, do's and don'ts to survive .

 

Some of my parties have tested the rebellion in many different ways, it failed or endangered me. It is therefore prohibited.

 

Some of my parties have spoken to adults to ask for help, they have either faced indifference and denial, or have faced one more rapist. For them to speak is therefore prohibited and endangers death.

 

Some of my parties have developed protection strategies such as finding a man and "belonging" to him and thus being under his "protection". Being alone is therefore prohibited because being alone makes one vulnerable to attack by other predators.

 

Do you understand how complicated and trying it can be to speak and testify for me?

 

I constantly have different goals and desires that are struggling inside of me.

 

When three years ago I was diagnosed with DID I was angry, in a huge rage.

How could it have happened? Why did nobody protect me?

 

I meant, everything, right away and to everyone. I started to write what I had lived on social networks, to contact my loved ones, my family, the adults with whom I had lived… I spoke then I was overcome by terror, anxiety, guilt… a pain and a terror so immense that it nailed me on the spot. I vomited, I trembled, I screamed, my whole body told me to stop, I had excruciating pain all over my body… I felt like I was dying!

 

Talking made me suffer. I had to learn to understand myself, to dialogue internally, to listen to internal protests, to be patient and to listen to the fears and experiences of each of my parties and to move forward step by step taking into account each notice before acting. If I did not do so, the pain and terror would return and I was physically prevented from acting.

 

What helps me today to be able to free my speech and be less in internal conflicts is that I gradually experience other experiences . Throughout my life, I have experienced only failures when I asked for help. But this cycle was finally interrupted because I finally found a psychologist who believed me, heard me. Finally someone was ready to listen to me! Then I could experience with my sister that a second person was ready to hear me and believe me.

 

A few other people, friends and family members are starting to open a door and this experience does me a lot of good and helps me to regulate my fears and terrors and gradually change my inner beliefs and my hopes for my release. of speech.

 

It's the daily life, people really there who support, accompany, listen who help me in this fight that I lead, an outside fight but especially inside ... The slightest refusal, the slightest knowledge or person who backtracked and I finds again plunged internally into an excruciating pain where each party fights to explain that speaking will kill us and that we must stop.

 

And this is where a third important role in the liberation of speech intervenes: society and professionals ...

If society accepted the reality of violence against minors, if people in general were not so phobic about this type of life story, we would not be immersed in silence.

 

I could give you hundreds of names of people who crossed my path, who could have helped me and who did not. I had friends, many of them disappeared because what I was trying to tell them was unbearable and they refused to hear it. They were all decisive factors in the perpetuation of my silence. They were more experiences of abandonment and loneliness for me.

 

Society has a decisive role in helping victims! The more we experience positive experiences of help, support and listening, the more hope will be reborn in us and the more we will be able to rebuild and heal.

 

As an adult, until a few months ago, I was easy prey for all twisted and predatory. My incessant "switches" can be perceived for who wants to see them and unfortunately predators perceive them, I suffered the consequences in my work and in my intimate relationships as well as in my friendships: I continued to experience violence . For this cycle of victimization to stop, I must become aware of these modes of operation and ways of acting that I have and that little by little I modify them and this can only be done by experimenting with other kinds of human relationships, positive, caring experiences ...

 

I grew up in a sect, my environment has always been gregarious. I realized that living in a group, having several people around you was a strength and allowed you to survive. That is why even today, living alone in my apartment is a ceaseless and terrorizing struggle for me on a daily basis. It is also for this reason that being single is so difficult for me. Being alone means death for many of my parts.

 

I have a vital need to find people, a team around me so that I am no longer alone. I have a vital need to be supported, I carried these sufferings all alone, all my life. Each of my parts carried their pain and suffering, alone and abandoned by all. Help the victims, help us to experience another experience to make positive experiences of human relations!

 

Only in this way will we find the strength and the courage to free our speech and thus protect our life but also the life of many other potential victims of these monsters!

 

My brother committed suicide. He went through the same things as me and unfortunately he did not get a chance to get help in time. He was a wonderful man, he deserved help, he deserved to live a normal life without suffering and society refused him.

 

Each of us is an actor and can make a difference. Each of us may be a positive experience that will bring back to life, hope and reconstruction.

And each of us can make the cycle of violence stop, that new victims are not added, that new lives are crushed ...

 

It is only by denouncing the violence suffered that we will be able to stop the cycle, by putting effective consequences in the abject acts that we will be able to stop the predators, by treating and studying the perpetrators and the victims that we will be able to understand how to stop and prevent ...

 

We must stop closing our eyes!