Improve sleep
For a DID person, sleep problems are common.
On the one hand by the internal struggle of certain parties who will want to "take time for them", and on the other hand by the phobia of memories: the fear of having nightmares or having flashbacks.
We are very often afraid and try to avoid our traumatic memories and it is generally at bedtime that they come to our mind . All day long, we were busy with complex tasks like working, taking care of children ... it was mainly our ANPs that were present and acted. When evening arrives, our body feels physical fatigue, we relax ... and this is the time when our brain begins to work more intensely, to reflect, to analyze the day, to dream, our mind wanders. .. and therefore leaves room for our traumatized parts to express themselves.
If the traumatic event took place at night (in the dark or in bed), one may be afraid of the dark or afraid of going to bed because EP parties may relive lying as a trigger and having the impression that it will happen again tonight.
Personally, some of my rapes took place at night while I was sleeping. So I often struggle to fall asleep. I go around a lot, trying to get into different activities without really being able to accomplish one of these tasks (reading, watching TV, tidying up, drawing ...). Very often, I fall asleep with the TV on in a big hubbub, it prevents my mind from thinking and hearing the fears and inner dialogues of the other parties, it calms and reassures me.
It happened to me, some nights, when the next day something very serious was at stake, going before the judge for the custody of my daughters for example, to urinate in bed of terror. The idea of ​​losing custody of my daughters and that they could live what I experienced was unbearable for me.
At night, I feel alone and vulnerable, as I was at the time of the rapes, so it is normal that I feel anxiety, fear or that I am hyper vigilant.
I have experienced sleeping deeply and waking up many times with my rapist on me penetrating myself.
In these moments we feel completely helpless, we feel trapped, we have the impression of being betrayed by our body which did not wake us up so that we can defend ourselves in time (even if this idea is illusory compared physical force of an adult against a child).
The morphology of the body of a girl or woman means that even if we sleep on our stomach, legs crossed to the maximum, our sex is accessible. Even if we put on clothes, we tie the knots ... no technique can protect us and prevent the rapist from acting.
I often sleep straight with my body, on my stomach, my legs crossed and my arms crossed under my chest. I do it when I'm anxious, falling asleep in this position relieves me, it's paradoxical because I know that this is the position I had when I was tied by my rapist, ankle ties, and wrist ties. Putting myself back in this position calms my anxieties because it is as if I stop fighting, refusing to take this position is reliving all the anxieties, the terror, the struggle that I could fight to defend myself against his rapes , "accept" and "take the next step", the moment when I understood that to fight amounts to being killed or beaten and where I "accept" to give up my body to survive is "less painful", " less scary "for me.
We may also have tested this technique of sleeping so deeply, so heavily that we hope that the rapist will stop if we do not wake up. One can believe that if one remains immersed in a dream, deeply enough, what one experiences does not really exist, is not really happening. Some nights you could dance the jig on my bed that I wouldn't wake up!
And at other times, the slightest noise, the slightest breath will wake me up in a state of anxious hyper vigilance, with a leap I will stand up in my bed, ready to flee like a hunted animal and I will take a few minutes to realize that there is no danger ...
My different parties are also fighting a lot for " time sharing ". This is the case for all my parts who live as adults (not for those who live as small and who react only to triggers).
Some of my parts want to draw for example, drawing is one of my ways to show what I have experienced. For others, drawing is prohibited by my rapists.
Other parties want to work on this site and do that all day long.
Some parties want to go out for a walk, others want to read, or watch movies ... but these activities represent a potential risk of triggering traumatized parties, so avoid doing so ...
Some parties want me to go to work so that I can pay my bills, others are completely unaware of this need and see no interest in it, it is a waste of time and effort. 'energy...
Some parties want to go see my friends, others see it as a danger and a waste of time.
Parties want to tidy up and clean up, take care of my papers and procedures ...
Some parties want to be a "perfect mom" and dedicate themselves only to my daughters ...
Some parties want to train and inform, I spend a lot of time researching the internet, other parties see this as a danger or a waste of time because what I read is too complicated for them or boring ...
Some parties want to sleep because they feel permanently exhausted ...
I am therefore in constant struggle over what I want to do, what I must do ... as soon as I undertake an activity, dozens of parties come forward and try to prevent me and to assert their need, their objective, their point of view ...
Either I hear them moaning and protesting in my head, or they send me physical feelings of fear, pain, guilt ... My body may be cut in half by a sudden anxiety attack or I have pain very strong in the stomach, back, arms ... Or I can find myself in a sudden fog, empty mind, not knowing what to do or where I am ... Or literally fall asleep and fall asleep suddenly where I am ...
At other times, I find myself with a hubbub not possible in the head. I hear so many voices at the same time, angry voices insulting me, crying children ...
And inevitably I feel anger inside, the frustration of the parts which were prevented from doing what they had decided, the tears and the feeling of parts which blame because they are "scolded and considered responsible" internally, the anxieties of those who live these internal struggles and these conflicts as a danger, then despair and the desires of suicide because there is no hope and I suffer too much ... I pass from an extreme felt to the other in a few fractions of seconds, looped.
It is very trying, tiring and stressful!
My parties also quarrel over " power sharing ".
I have a fairly complex system of dissociative parts.
My traumatized parts called EP will come "at the front of the stage" to act for my safeguard when they feel in danger, as soon as an external trigger (a voice, a look, a place ...) recalls one of my trauma and they will then redo my actions the same as when I experienced this trauma. Being paralyzed and not moving, running away, screaming, struggling ...
But I also set up a system for observing and analyzing my environment. I have parts that are dedicated to these tasks: observe and analyze, make a decision. And I have parties "controls" who will manage and decide which party can come before and speak and act. My control parts authorize or not, block the parts according to the analysis they have made of my environment.
At work for example, only five or six parties have the right to be present depending on the skills I need. If I have to be firm and authoritarian, "the guy" will come and I will speak with a deep and authoritarian voice, if I have to ask for something and to coax it will be rather a "soft and feminine" part, if I have to charm to make myself accepted , I will be rather "sexie and feminine, if I have to write papers" the intello "will be there ...
This "control" helps me on a daily basis to have access to the different skills that each of my parts carry but brings a lot of inconsistencies in my behavior and I often find myself with moments of amnesia on what I did the minute previous because of amnesic barriers between my parties.
And in the evening or in the morning, I feel and hear the frustration and rage of all the parts that have been prevented or blocked during my days.
I have long periods when I wake up very early in the morning to do what a party wants or for a party to speak to me so that I can listen to it. Right now, for example, I wake up every morning around 4 or 5 am to work on this site and write the articles. It is a moment when my intellectual parts are calm and when I am not beset by the needs and desires of the other parts. But suddenly I sleep very little ...
Very often I am woken up in the middle of the night by a party who wishes to express themselves and share their feelings. She does it at this time because she is frustrated not to have had the time or the authorization to do it at another time, at work for example ...
Little by little, through internal dialogue, compromise, I modify my daily life and my relationship to sleep. We agree on what is acceptable or not, the minimum sleep time I need ... And I am also more forgiving and less angry when a party wakes me up or prevents me from sleeping, i 'accepts the fact that she has a good reason to do it, that for her it is important to do it. My sleep is still far from perfect but I feel less anger, guilt, despair ... there is much more understanding and dialogue, and that's already a good start!