Mismatched sexual arousal

Another very painful thing for rape victims is involuntary sexual arousal.

 

Some rapists take sadistic pleasure in stimulating their victims until they obtain a bodily response from them. This strengthens their power over the child victim and introduces a lasting feeling in their brain of guilt (my body said "yes") and reinforces the feeling of shame of the victims. This thus locks their word, because the child has the impression of having accepted what has happened to him, it mixes with the murderous sentences of the rapist who tells him that he has looked for it, wanted it. In the child's head, everything mixes up and he comes to wonder if his behavior before the rape was not seductive, the automatic response of his body mixed with the rapist's phrases "you like it", "it doesn't 'excites', reinforces its dissociation and its incomprehension. He is overcome by terror, fear, despair, fear of dying, the physical and mental pain of betrayal and at the same time his body sends other signals which are qualified as "pleasure" and "encouragement" by the rapist. Incompatible, incomprehensible feelings!

 

In addition, the child has no representation or idea of ​​what a sexual act is, he does not understand what he is experiencing in his chair since he knows nothing about it! So he takes everything the rapist tells him for granted.

 

It is essential that you know that our body can have automatic responses despite what our brain wants or thinks. It is known for men, they can bandage even if their brain tells them "this is not the time" (at the swimming pool for example), they can have "breakdowns" even if their sexual partner attracts them or qu 'they are in love...

 

Our body acts and reacts for our safeguard, it is therefore frequent during a rape, that our body lubricates itself in an automatic way in order to protect our vaginal tissues or rings so that we have less tears and injuries.

 

Our body can also automatically have spasms or twitches. I would not call it an orgasm as it is understood during a consensual sex! But our body can by this relaxation reduce the tension, release general stress through this and thus allow the brain and neurotransmitters not to overheat.

 

Victims of rape feel the perverse pleasure of their rapist. By survival instinct, our body will "give" it what it expects.

 

I instinctively learned to be very "demonstrative". I am a "fountain woman", basically when I am stimulated too much, I have a kind of "ejaculation" of the vagina. This is not a source of pleasure for me, it is a means that my body has found to show my rapists that they have come to an end and for the rapes to end more quickly and I saw and learned that the more demonstrative I am, the more it excites the rapist and the faster he "finishes".

 

This involuntary sexual arousal is a source of great suffering in me. How to understand that it is a reaction of survival without bearing the weight of guilt, the impression that our body has betrayed us and that in a certain way we said "yes". And the rapist knows very well how to play on this table, repeating to us tirelessly that we love it, that we have caused him to act, that it is our fault ...

 

Some of my parts contain the role of sexual arousal, others keep the memory of the phrases repeated by my rapists, others contain my rage and my impotence ... It is very difficult for me to have sexual activity with a partner because all sexual activity is a trigger for many of my parts.

 

So I switch automatically while being in complete lethargy, I do not move anymore, I am a wooden board, I breathe very little, I wait overcome by fear and despair, eyes closed. Then depending on how my partner reacts, if he gets angry and blames me for this tetany, another part takes over, a hyper sexualized part who will try to make him get excited as soon as possible so that it s 'stopped.

 

This is also where the role of men comes in. I had a few sexual partners, not a lot, they are counted on the fingers of one hand, but none of them ever stopped to ask me why I did this. It is as if my body, going into lethargy, was waiting, finally hoping that someone would say "what did you experience?".

 

I experienced my sexual relations as rapes, practically every time. But is it really?

I tirelessly "replay" scenes from my past, involuntarily. No man understood it and helped me. I had to understand my actions on my own, learn to stop feeling ashamed and guilty, and gradually regain control of my body.

 

I happened to "replay" with my partners scenes where I was tied or strangled. I was then assailed by lots of contradictory feelings. A kind of relief to indulge in it, a terror and a huge panic suddenly while doing it, anger and guilt for having done it and let it go ... I did not understand myself, I wanted a lot! Phrases like "you are a whore, bitch, rot, bitch, you only deserve to die" kept running in my head.

 

When I see that films like "fifty shades of gray" are acclaimed it makes me angry. When stereotypes like "women are excited to be tied, dominated, raped" emerge in the media or other, it makes me mad!

 

I fight so much every day, overwhelmed and unable to control my staging of the most atrocious moments that I have lived (which are in fact calls for help!), These stereotypes do not help me, quite the contrary they plunge me into my solitude, my guilt, my anger, the non recognition of my suffering, the injunction to silence by the indifference of my partner ... I am not excited by all that! I don't take pleasure in it! On the contrary, I suffer enormously from it.

 

They robbed me of my right to a fulfilled sex life, I cannot make love without a party carrying my traumas re-emerging and immersing me in memories and uncontrollable sensations. Raping a child is a foul act! Until recently, I hated myself, after each sexual act, I only wanted one thing to die or hurt myself to punish me. So is this what you should usually feel after having sex?

 

In the "resources, to get out" section of this site you can watch this video which explains very well this phenomenon of inconsistent sexual arousal:

https://youtu.be/Lq-tSHo9Ho

Emily Nagoski, sexologist, "The Truth about unwanted arousal".

 

This notion is little or not addressed in the works on "treating the dissociation of traumatic origin" and "managing the dissociation of traumatic origin". I think this is a serious oversight by the authors. The guilt of the victims and the ignorance and incomprehension of the biological reactions of our body is a major aspect to address and understand!

Knowledge helps us to "forgive" ourselves internally, to understand ourselves better, to better understand what we have experienced ...

The book of Doctor Muriel Salmona "The black book of sexual violence" explains it very well and did me a lot of good when I read and understood it. I invite you to read it!