All the news of recent days, the reconfinement put me in stress.
For the past few days, I haven't stopped having big anxiety attacks.
The announcement of the reconfinement, the fact that my schedule is changing, that certain commitments for which I had worked for many months with my shrink were canceled were very hard for me to take. The attacks, hatred in the news ... Anger at the beginning then sadness and the desire for suicides and then anguish and terror.
Yesterday, my whole day was marked by my switches. I was unable to work. I had to drink a little (2 glasses) to calm myself down and manage to get some sleep to regain some semblance of calm. It is a means that I very rarely use to "calm down" or to help me cut myself off from all feelings. I have parts fortunately whose internal role is to protect me from this, not to drink, not to take drugs, to forbid me but on rare occasions it is tolerated moderately to help.
I decided to cut myself off again from the news, from the news and put myself back in a "bubble". As during the first confinement, I asked my sister to filter for me and to send me only the important and essential information.
I was assaulted by fear, fear of dying, fear of danger, the feeling that I am going to die, that I am in danger, that my daughters are in danger ... Everything is mixed up in my head, I am overwhelmed by flashbacks. Yesterday, I had a hard time discerning the past from the present. I have angry parts. They say: "No! We are not safe in the here and now! It's the same, everything is the same! We are going to die! We are going to suffer, we are still suffering, it is the same, everything is the same! L there is no such thing as hope. "
So I decided to redo as during the first confinement and re-compartmentalize my schedule, my daily life, cut some contacts ...
Since this morning, my parties have started to do so. No more internet on my phone, no more information, no more social networks.
We will focus on drawing, listen to soothing music, take baths, watch pretty movies with great positive stories, read, laugh, sing ...
The work will help me keep a rhythm, force me to get anchored in my adult life and stay active in the present.
We'll see my shrink at our next meeting. I asked him that we address this problem of insecurity in the present, discuss the threat of Covid, the attacks ... Trying to help my parties to have realistic concerns that are neither too alarmist nor too lax. Calm those who are angry and have the impression that they are being lied to by telling them that the here and now is safe, calm those who cry and are afraid ...
I think in the next few weeks we will continue to post articles on the site focusing on "theory".
Our games are amazing. Since this afternoon, I have felt waves of sweetness and love, a lot of calm and peace. It will be fine. We're gonna survive that too. We've survived the worst.
I think it's important for us to focus on things we can master. Everything that has been happening in the past few days is completely out of our control, making a bubble in which I can put things that I control reassures me and makes me feel good. I can decide tonight to roll up in my soft warm blanket and watch a movie. Tomorrow I can sit on my terrace with a good herbal tea and stretch my face to the rays of the sun, enjoy the caress of the wind on my face. Tonight my cat will come to my bed and I will be able to stroke it and listen to its purrs and enjoy its licks and let my little parts enjoy it and laugh at its raspy tongue and nibbles. Tomorrow, I will be able to make pancakes and put on some good music, draw faces with big eyes filled with love to remind my parties that inside it is like that.
I wish you a beautiful and sweet weekend. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself and all of your selves.
A very nice video to watch :
"How to be at home
Tanya Davis 2020
If at first you feel lonely, be patient.
If you haven't been alone often, or if when you were, you weren't living it well, then just wait. You will see that loneliness is not so bad as soon as you adopt it.
You can start with acceptable places: the bathroom, the tea room, the library, where you can hang out and read the newspaper, where you can take your caffeine fix and sit and stay for a while. Where you can flip through the piles of magazines and sniff the books; you're not supposed to talk there anyway, so it's a safe place.
There is also the bodybuilding or fitness club; if you are shy you can spend time there with yourself and with the mirrors you can put on your headphones.
Then there is public transport, because we all have to go somewhere.
And there is prayer and meditation; no one will judge you if you spend time with your breath in search of peace and salvation.
Just start. Things that you may have avoided until then because of your principle: "avoid being alone".
The snack bar, where you will be surrounded by "on-the-go eaters", employees who have only one hour and whose partner works at the other end of town, like you, they will be alone.
Resist the urge to pass the time on your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with “lunch and go”, invite yourself to dinner; a restaurant with cloth napkins and real cutlery. You are no less intriguing when you eat your dessert alone and take the whipped cream off the plate with your finger. In fact, there will surely be people at large tables who would prefer to be in your place.
Go to the movies. Where it's dark and soothing, alone in your seat in the midst of a fleeting community.
Then invite yourself to dance, in a club where no one knows you, go to the edge of the track until the lights persuade you more and more and the music shows you the way. Dance like no one is watching you, because they probably are. And if we look at you, tell yourself that we are doing it with the best human intentions. The way in which the bodies move to the rhythms, with authenticity, is after all sublime and moving. Dance until you sweat. And the drops of sweat will remind you of the best things in life. Let them flow behind your back like a book of blessings.
Walk alone in the woods, trees and squirrels will watch over you. Go to an unfamiliar city, stroll through its streets, there are always statues to talk about. And benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence, even if only for a moment, and those moments can be so exhilarating, and the conversations you start while sitting alone on a bench might never have happened if you hadn't been there all alone. "
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