This drawing represents one of my protective parts, my part that makes you feel love and warmth in the body, the one that surrounds her blue coat of love ...
When it is present, I feel heat waves invading my body. I think scientifically if we studied my brain, there would be a concrete explanation for this. My brain figured out how to get me to get endorphins to calm me down, soothe me ...
At the moment, she is very present.
In my system it is very important!
This period is quite delicate for us. Many parties share their points of view, their experiences ... It's painful, it's scary at times, also terrifying ...
The little one from the cages comes to say what she felt, the little one from the shows too, the "whore" parts too (I'm sorry for that horrible term. My system is still having a hard time accepting them and has not yet agreed that we name them differently), the little one of the rites with chicken blood, the little exorcised, the little one of the confessional and of the forest ....
This period is delicate because the memories they share are sent shovel mixed without distinction of time or place. They share with us their beliefs, their misunderstandings about the things we tell them, bits of their memories ...
I discover the immensity of things that I have to understand in the face of my new life:
- What is it to be a woman? What is it to be a feminist? What promotes the continuity of the violence that women suffer? What is harassment? What is ordinary sexism? How can I change my action patterns?
- What is racism? What is ordinary racism?
- What is homophobia?
- What is normal sexuality? What are my rights over my body? What is healthy sexuality? How do I change the lies that have been instilled in me?
- What is religion? What are the things in all of these religions that are beautiful despite everything? What do my parts think about religion? What parts of lies have you instilled in me? What patterns of violence, sexism, sectarianism do its religions convey? How to fight them? How to remain tolerant?
- What is violence? How should I react if I have suffered from it again or if I see it in my present?
It's very complicated for me because everything I read and understand collides with the false beliefs in which I have been bathed ... I have never been taught to think, to express my opinions, to think ... So I have to read a lot, document myself. And I have big internal struggles over who is right, what I'm okay with and what I'm not ... Agreeing to be patient so that all of my parts can move forward with each of them as they wish. rhythm until we all agree ...
Sometimes this work on myself frustrates me, sometimes it makes me very angry, sometimes it scares me because it touches on my traumas, sometimes I feel very small, lost and insignificant in the face of this immense task ...
But most of the time, I feel immense pride, a thirst for knowledge and happiness and very great joy in understanding all these lies that I have been told. I am no longer a victim. I am no longer passive. I am no longer that trapped little girl too weak and insignificant to fight against my gigantic rapists! I struggle ! I fight!
They don't control me anymore! I'm free !
And I feel immense gratitude for these sharing that takes place! I know this is how I would get rid of all my automated actions and reactions. I know that the more these sharing take place, the more I will be free, strong, whole, coherent ...
With my shrink, we will be working in the coming days on a very delicate and painful aspect of my trauma. But thanks to this part, my part that gives love with her blue coat, I know I'm safe. I can feel her, she is there, she is watching ...
My parties have understood how to do the sharing without it being unbearable. They have accepted to listen, to welcome, to dose, to be patient, to be fragile at times, vulnerable too ... But they all know now that we are safe, that internal help exists, that external aid exists ...
Sharing is no longer this atrocious tsunami that overwhelms me, it's small drops, a small regular drizzle with clearings, passing thunderstorms, thunderclaps, rainbows ...
And my horizon lights up, is tinted with all the colors ...
Now I like stormy skies, I like black, gray and green shades that stand out from the landscape ... Everything takes on a different shade in the light of thunderbolts ... Inside, the work that I do, I imagine it thus ... Yes there will still be a lot of bad weather but I know how to see the beauty and the benefits that it brings to me on a daily basis.
I can't wait for my next meeting with my shrink!
I am not afraid. I'm afraid. And all of this is OK! Because I survived! And it's done !!!!!
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