A new part has been very present for a few days. I took steps a few months ago, at the time, this step seemed legitimate to us but the response received to this step has greatly upset the internal cohesion. A sentence from my shrink also called into question the cohesion, she said that perhaps parties had sought to sabotage this approach by sending contradictory papers. Suddenly, a lot of internal mistrust arose. We are no longer able to dialogue, all our choices are called into question. The feeling of security in my daily life that I felt disappears regularly and I am very lost. I find it extremely difficult to set goals for myself during the day and to complete tasks. I sleep very little again. When the evening arrives, I am hyperactive, as if overexcited and I am unable to fall asleep before 1 am. During the day, my parties fight to have time and each achieve their goal and desire, but I have the impression of not succeeding in doing anything concretely. I feel frustrated, angry, sad, depressed ... I feel like I am going back in time in my functioning and that makes me very angry.
We can't come to an agreement.
I believe that a mode of defense reactivated following two events: this step that I took and a stage in my therapy where we tried with my shrink to do EMDR to relieve certain parts of their fears. .
A defense mode was activated at this point.
I write here what I feel and think a lot in my days at the moment:
"I don't trust anyone, I don't have to trust anyone.
My sister, I don't know who she is. We don't know each other, she doesn't know anything about me, why is she talking to me? I don't know why she is talking to me. I must not speak to him.
This shrink, I don't know her. I don't know who she is.
I don't know where I am. I don't recognize where I am.
Everything is foreign to me.
I can't trust anyone.
They must be silent. They put us in danger.
I'm mad. All the time.
I don't want to move on. I must not move. Not to move is to survive. I don't understand what happened. I don't recognize anything.
I'm afraid.
People talk to me around me and I am a puppet. I pretend to know them. I am a puppet. I am nothing, I am nobody. The world around does not exist. I am wrong. I am a liar. They said so. They said I am lying. I lie all the time. I am wrong. I do not exist. I am no one.
My body is on fire. He is hurting me.
I hear voices speaking but I don't know who they are. I don't want to hear. I don't want their help.
I'm alone. No one can understand. Nobody knows.
I will die. I'm afraid.
I am in pain. All the time.
It is the email received which made me come. We're in danger. We're still in danger. In the mail they said I'm lying.
We must flee. Or we'll die. We're in danger. No one is protecting us. No one understands us. No one sees us.
There are some they speak to me. They say we are several, they say I am not alone. They are lying. Everybody lies. Everyone is bad. I don't want to hear it. I want to get out of this body. I can't take any more.
Why is this shrink talking to me? What does she know?
You shouldn't talk to anyone.
We're in danger.
We must flee.
I don't know where I am. I don't recognize anyone. I don't know what to do.
They said I'm lying. They will punish me. They have already punished. I will die.
I provoked them.
It's my fault. Everything is my fault. I haven't spoken yet. I don't know who spoke. It's not me. I do not remember. I am tired.
In the mail I saw. They called me a liar.
It will start again. Everything will start all over again. They are going to hurt me again.
To flee I must flee. To survive it is the only solution. Everything will start all over again. I will die again.
Why did I speak? Why did I provoke them?
I didn't do anything yet!
I do not understand. I'm lost.
I don't know where I am.
Why are they talking to me? Who is it?
They want me to listen but I don't want to.
It's all because of them!
It's their fault, it's not my fault. I did not do anything.
You don't have to say anything. We have to move more. To move more and to be silent is to survive.
We have to stop this shrink. What is a shrink? Who is she ? Why is she talking to me? What does she know? She's going to put us in danger! We are in danger!
She's going to talk to others and tell them I'm a liar and a bad one too.
I will be punished. I will die. They are going to hurt me.
I do not want to die !
I'm afraid !
Where I am ?
What happened ? I don't understand anything, I don't recognize anything anymore.
They want me to listen but I don't want to. I don't trust them. "
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