30/05/2021 Amnesias in the present in DID

Dissociative present amnesia in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), what is it?

I will only speak here of what I am living. Each TDI is different so I cannot speak in terms of generality, each of us does what he can to survive and has access to different resources depending on his entourage and his encounters.

This functioning of amnesia in my present is quite automatic with me.

As soon as something is painful, difficult, for a few days, the memory is very intense in my memory. I could tell you the scene in great detail, repeat word for word the exchanges ... this memory loops in my head, I can no longer sleep, as if I was unable to stop my thoughts and reflections ... The event is sifted through my head, the words exchanged, the non-verbal messages ...

What happened? Was I right to react like this? Am I wrong? I turn in my head all the possible ways, all the possible scenarios for this event ... If I had done if or that would it have given the same thing?

Then something happens and I think that's what triggers these amnesia events in my present afterwards.

My dissociative parts each start to comment and argue the event.

Little ones who are crying and depressed because they think they have been abandoned, say that I cannot be loved, that no one loves me or will love me, no one will protect me ...

Anger that blames me for this broken link and says that we need someone to survive and blame my dissociative parts in demand for emotional ties.

Cowards who reproach me for having asked too much, talked too much or not having given enough, shown my affection, thanked ...

Sexualized people who say that if we had let them be, they could have given the body and if we give the body people love us, respect us and pay us. That thanks to that we are safe.

Intellectuals who say that if I had been less babies, less in demand, less ... and that we had left them to manage, the person in front could only have stayed in touch.

Religious and culculous who say that by praying things will calm down, that this person does not want, cannot and who explain his point of view, the very laudable reasons for the decision. And everyone is right according to them, everyone has done their best, the world is filled with love and peace ...

Anger that explodes and screams ... How did she dare? I am suffering, I have not suffered enough! And who resent the whole earth and ultimately resent my parts that demand and seek links and blame them.

Depressed women who see the world as hopelessly selfish, blind and black ... No hope exists. Only death will deliver us from this excruciating suffering.

An internal conflict explodes in me. All these parts follow one after the other in an infernal round.

It is getting so overwhelming! I hear screaming, crying in my head. I feel pain all over my body. I do the yoyo in my emotions.

My balance in my present is threatened.

So I think that's one of the reasons I'm having amnesias right now.

Because the emotions that I feel, the conflicts between my parts are too intense! It's too trying for my body, my brain, my heart ... Feeling everything at the same time is too trying. My body is on fire. It is really the impression that I have. To be pierced, raw, skin, soul on fire.

The more exhausted and tired I am, the less I sleep, the less I manage to concentrate, to listen to others, to understand when someone talks to me (realize that it is to me that we are talking but also hear and understand what I'm told).

The harder it is to focus on and do a task.

So at the beginning, there are these conflicts and all these parts which reactivate and relive and make me relive their suffering. As everything explodes and it is unbearable, I start, on the one hand, to forget and flee the thoughts related to the conflict that generated this situation. I put in place hyperactivation strategies to be always busy, with very loud external noises (music, movies ...) that will prevent me from thinking about the situation and analyzing it. Because my dissociative parts cannot agree on what to think about the event and what to do. But also on what to think about it, how to record it in memory: is it painful? Is it liberating? Is it a success or a failure? Is it positive or negative? And we do not agree on what we feel: we are sad, neutral, indifferent, angry, pessimistic, alarmist, grateful, in danger ...? We can't put it away, analyze it and that generates too much conflict and upheaval.

So we skip him. Switch: forgotten.

Then, I start to rewrite in "split parts" as I did in the past. "Walls of amnesia" are being put back in place and my "time in the present" is no longer shared and common.

I can no longer control myself, control which dissociative part is there and "take" control of the body to do what I have to do in my present.

To be able to be safe, to be able to continue moving forward, to live my daily life, I forget. I not only forget the event that generated this conflict but I also have amnesias of my present and my actions because my dissociative parts instead of sharing my present fight to act and do what each one wishes and believes to be. the best way for me to be safe.

This puts an end for a time to internal conflicts. But it is an expensive strategy. Because it does not mean that my thoughts and my conflicts are resolved! Quite the contrary!

My dissociative parts blame each other a little more, blame each other for their suffering, their loneliness, the weight and the pain generated by the memories and emotions linked to what they wear ... And my daily life is despite everything punctuated by the thoughts related to that which come back in small stings of reminder.

According to this part, with the "executive control" of the body, I "lose" my skills.

I can no longer remember for a fraction of a second how to drive, I no longer recognize the pedals, I am overcome by a rush of anguish (it never lasts long). I can no longer know how to count, write, conjugate, speak English ... I can forget my name, my address, my age ...

This is due to the fact that according to the dissociative part present, I do not have the same skills or knowledge, not the same memory ... Generally these losses of skills and knowledge are quite short and are the result of a particularly stressful situation which made one of my small parts come to the fore. Usually I'm lost, in a panic for a few seconds.

I can also have moments of blackout or a little obsessive when a part lost in the trauma that it has experienced in the past comes "ahead".

In this case, I'm going to be a bit like a drug addict. My vision seems to have narrowed. It's like I see the world through blinders. The contours of my vision are as though cloudy and narrowed. I no longer see and perceive the world, the reality of my present with a whole and objective vision. I have very strong opinions on certain subjects, I am unable to discuss calmly with my sister for example ...

I have a lot of times when I find myself "parachuted" in situations. Without understanding anything. I don't know what happened before, sometimes I don't recognize the person in front of me or I don't know who they are talking about, or what they are talking about ... For example when I lose my skills in math, for the first few seconds, I'm in a panic. I don't know, I don't know! Then thoughts fuse at all speeds. I find strategies to compensate for this loss of skills. I look on my phone for my calculator, I count on my fingers, I speak to divert the conversation until I have the answer by having counted on my fingers behind my back ... I always have the first minutes of questions. I lost my skills? Why ? Then I forget that I forgot. I forget all these situations that have marked my life with these amnesias. There is no need to ask questions! Especially not !

Amnesias come and go depending on the security of my present, the encounters I make and what I live on a daily basis.

The dissociative amnesia that I live in my present can stop when I am safe, away from my attackers and in a stable situation and when my internal conflicts are resolved, when we come to agree and forgive each other our actions, our decision making ... My dissociative amnesias in the present stopped in the past as my personal situation improved. Trusted people with whom I had been able to learn new healthy and solid ties. Have a job, an apartment, financial security. Being able to share time in my present with several parties at the same time and live positive experiences that allowed each party to realize that everything did not end in disaster, in suffering, in systematic abandonment ...

I currently need to find a way to renew the internal dialogue between my parties and find consistency, common decision-making, agreements on what we must and want to do in our present ... And find a way to appease all this suffering linked to the feeling of betrayal and abandonment that we feel ...