I have just gone through several very, very trying weeks !!!
I resumed follow-up once a week with a psychiatrist and for a week, I have been taking antidepressants again.
I was losing my footing. Completely. During the last few weeks, I felt like I was pierced with spikes all day long. The body on fire, alive. I was in a state of vigilance, stress, despair, rage ... constant. My brain could no longer calm down, stop. I had thoughts that were looping, very strong emotions that invaded me continuously, the impression that my body, my heart, my head was going to explode. I couldn't sleep, hardly any more to work. I had become unable to listen to the people around me so much I could hear screaming and crying in my head all the time ...
It was excruciating, painful, exhausting ...
I feel like I made a huge leap back, months, years back. There is no longer any internal cohesion. There are no more discussions between my dissociative parts. Many things, routines that I had managed to put in place have become forbidden to me again and I can no longer do them.
Several things have contributed to this. The conflict with my former psychologist, the loss of a friend and things related to my family life and my work. All this caused major conflicts between my different dissociative parts to explode. We don't trust each other again. We blame ourselves for our actions and decision-making in the face of the events that started it all.
We took several weeks to decide and agree to resume psychological follow-up. Lots of inner battles, screaming, physical pain, loss of memories and time. Many of my dissociative parts refused to resume a follow-up and refuse to trust again, to recreate a bond, to reveal themselves again.
In my days, I would hear angry parties yelling: "You told us to trust, to trust endangers, to trust hurts. We never should have! You lied to us. She lied to us. We should never have listened to you and obeyed you! We will never do it again! We hate you. It's your fault! All this, all this pain is your fault! ". And I felt pain. Sudden cramps in the legs, back. I started grabbing my arms and digging my nails into my flesh. I began to strangle my neck with my own hand. I heard all day long a dissociative part that repeated over and over "I want to die! I want to die! I want to die!". At work, I again lost my working skills a lot. I was paralyzed again and panicked over simple tasks. I was wasting time. I arrived at work and then several hours later I was there not knowing what I had been doing during those previous hours. The work I had to do was piling up and I couldn't move it forward. As soon as I started to get into it, another part would come in and I was doing something else. What I don't know but the job hadn't been done anyway. My daily life, my security was beginning to be jeopardized ...
I was constantly exhausted. Hearing a thousand power scream and cry in your head all day long is exhausting! Believe me !!! To escape these screams and this constant noise in my head I have implemented several strategies. I listened to podcasts. The constant outside noise allows me to focus on something other than my own thoughts and internal conflicts. So I spent my days with headphones on, listening to people talking. I stayed that way, focusing on “learn, listen and learn”. "Knowing" was my anchor. So I spent a lot of time listening to these podcasts, reading and analyzing scientific articles. It was my lifeline, my lifeline so as not to collapse.
To sleep, in the same way, I put myself deep into the ears of films or series with a lot of noise, preferably films with violence because the screams and screams covered my own internal screams and screams. I hardly slept anymore with the impression that my brain was overheating and could never stop.
I felt and still feel a lot of desperation, anger. But the antidepressants I've been taking for a week are starting to kick in and it's like they've put some kind of bell on my explosive thoughts and emotions. I feel very exhausted but I finally have a little more calm. My daily life is slowly becoming livable and bearable again.
I don't know yet if I would be able to regain cohesion and internal cooperation. It is as if inside, my dissociative parts have formed into different camps and each is entrenched and refuses to take a step towards the other ...
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