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Writer's pictureLeelah

29/08/2020 DID meeting


In a while I will attend a meeting to talk about DID and I will testify as a person living with this disorder to professionals already practicing in the field.

This meeting is great for me, for us!


Great because we are going to testify publicly for the first time. It is a good training for me and my parts because it will allow me to assimilate the fact that speaking will not kill me, speaking will not put me in danger of death.



Great because many of my parts want to get involved and start to do the hummingbird too and carry our little drop of water to extinguish this burning world ... We mean, we want to train, inform ... We want to show, show the existence of TDI and bring our testimony so that perhaps thanks to these courageous and involved professionals who agree to attend this meeting, other people like us wander less and find help more quickly than we didn't.


But this meeting is also very emotionally trying for me!


Troubling because since I know I'm going to participate, some of my small parts are reactivating.

They know that I am going to be "in front", sitting on a chair and that people will look at me, listen to me ... That's all they heard. And they are terrified!

"After the show, am I going to have to get naked and do things with people? Are people mean? I don't want to do things naked with people!"


I've talked about it a lot lately with my shrink and when those little parts come in I'm very scared. Often I look at myself. I look at my body. But it is not my body today that I see. I see a little girl's body. The naked body of a bleeding little girl. I'm sitting there, in my shrink's office, but what I see is my little girl's cock bleeding. What I feel then is the terror of this "show" that is going to take place, and I know that at the end of this show, I will be taken by the guru and by these people. I know that during this show, I am on sale, as in the slave markets, their looks weigh me down, judge me ... I know that the guru put me in this role, put me forward for that . And he is jubilant. Nobody knows that this little girl who kindly plays this role, that this "Christian" show is in fact a masquerade, is a sale to slaves, a sex slave. He knows it. I know it. But no one else sees it.


This small part is about the same age as the "cages" part, a little bit bigger, it hasn't told me its age yet, it's just starting to come and tell in snatches. I think she's around 3 or 4 years old.


The guru would sell us and get things in return. I had to do this in order to have food, so that my family, my parents, the people I lived with had food and a place to live. The guru. That's what he said. If I didn't we would all die. And it would be my fault. "You love your parents don't you? You love your siblings? You don't want them to die like your sister? So you have to donate the body for everyone's sake."


My shrink talks to this part. She explains to him again and again with the patience of an angel that no, I would not have to get naked. No I shouldn't do "things" with people. There will be men and women but they are not mean and they will not hurt me ... No the men will not ask that I get naked ... No I would not have to wear the clothes that they brought. No there will be no animals and no chains at the meeting. In a meeting, we talk, we listen to each other and nothing else ...


I saw my shrink yesterday. Again we talked about it again and for the first time it made the head of the little girl. At this meeting nothing will happen, no one will hurt me, no one will hurt me. I am safe. It's finish.


Since then, I have heard him cry loudly in my head and my heart is heavy.

This little one, I feel SO much love for her! This little one is so wonderful, so brave !!! No one has seen you my darling. No one protected you. Nobody reassured you, consoled you but now this is no longer the case.


This little one, we all surround her with our love, we cry by her side, we wipe away her tears and we burst out laughing and tears of happiness with her ... Because it's over! The time for shows where I had to give the body is over!


And these professional psys that I am going to see, now in his eyes, they are super heroes. Super heroes because they go using their "super" vision to see her. She who has always been invisible, they will really see her, really listen to her, really believe her and take her into account. A super power of vision that will make that finally she will be seen as the child that she is who does not want sex, even if she is "on stage" and we are watching her, she will not have to pay for this highlighting with her body.


Today, I want to write and say out loud all the gratitude I have for her, proclaim loud and clear her courage and her strength, and thank her for allowing me to survive by taking such a heavy part of my history. , by agreeing to keep it, to wear it in my place, in our place so that I can pass it on to me the day I will be ready.


And I would like to thank my shrink. This wonderful woman who day after day helps me save myself, helps me find myself, helps me understand myself ...

Also thank all the people who agree to see us. Thank those who agree to hear from us.


Today I hear a lot of crying, sobs lift my chest but they are sobs of joy. This is sharing. It is certainly painful to face these horrors lived but then there is so much inner love, so much relief, so much joy ...


If you are a victim and you read me, do not be afraid. Sharing is that: love. This is what is left after the pain has passed. Love, gratitude, tears of joy. It's finish. We survived.

This is what TDI is: the strongest, most courageous act of love that we have made for ourselves.

Don't be afraid of sharing. Each of your parts is wonderful and benevolent. Each of them. You are wonderful and so brave!

Be proud of yourself as I am proud of myself, of all of my selves.

We survived!

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