I think I'm starting to understand why this has exploded in me for a few weeks. I'll try to explain why.
For many months now, my parties and I have been procrastinating and fleeing, we fight to decide whether or not we are going to integrate. Some want to do it but without feeling the suffering (which is impossible!), Some want to do it "to be rid of the boring girls who cry", others to have well-being but without themselves having to. disclose what they have been through, and others refuse "because it is useless, because it is dangerous, because they do not give a damn about the other parties and it is not them , because we are going to die of it, because sharing is death "...
Before confinement, the parties that were present (I mean by that, those who agreed to show themselves to my shrink and talk to her, those who try that we dialogue together and that we accept compromises to function better in our entirety) were in the midst of a discussion to improve certain things in our daily lives.
We would like to change jobs because the one I am currently doing is very physically exhausting and we would like to agree on an interesting future job.
Some of my parts would like to become a shrink. So we need to find a way to pin a job that allows me to support myself and resume my studies at the same time.
The thing is, we've been bickering over this for months and we can't come to any compromise, no agreement. We would also like to improve our daily lives, such as being able to go out for a walk without feeling anguish and tetany.
I believe the coming of the cowardly and the rude parts and a way that my control parts have found to shake things up.
It's like "oh yes you can't agree and well we'll see what you're going to do by being really indecisive and lost…" and poof the cowardly parts have been catapulted into the system. "oh yes you can not make up your mind and well we will see what you are going to do by being someone who slices in the bacon and does not take gloves and tweezers ..." and poof the rough parts have been catapulted in the system.
I don't know if I am very clear ...
How do I make you understand that I have switches that I do not control that are related to my traumatic memories that last a few minutes or a few hours when someone yells at me for example? In these cases I "am" only one part "and I" relive "the trauma in connection with what" made this part come (the fact that I was yelled at) ".
But the rest of the time my controlling parties are managing and trying to get us all to move on and be better. There is always a purpose behind their actions and I always come to understand why I had to live or do what they orchestrated.
My control parts decide who can dispose of the body and act and who can be present or not and feel and share the way of being and the thoughts of the part or parts that have the body. Sometimes this sharing is done with the agreement of all the participants, sometimes (and it is often the case), this sharing is a forced sharing. My control parts oblige several parts to be present and to "live" the experience and the lived of another part to push them to accept and understand each other.
At this moment, all the parties that until now collaborated with each other were forced to be present but only as helpless spectators. They could only watch and did not have the right to act with the body, they could only feel and share the way of being and the thoughts of the cowardly parts. I then feel anguish (my stomach hurts), I am paralyzed, paralyzed. I only have thoughts of helplessness, despair, incompetence. I feel like a lost little girl. I no longer have my skills at my disposal, I no longer know how to be an adult woman who knows how to respond firmly to my male work colleagues, I have a small mouse voice, I am all shy and withdrawn, and I am looking for someone to hang on to to guide me.
For example, I called my sister and wrote to my shrink, asking them if they could phone my boss and tell her that next week I couldn't come to work because I have to take care of my daughters and help them. to do their homework. I wanted them to do it and not me because I was too scared to get yelled at, my boss seems like a giant to me and I'm scared of him (there's no reason for that but those cowardly parties don't know it)… I was no longer a grown woman capable of simply saying things. I was unable to ...
It's very frustrating believe me!
And I'm not telling you the mess up there in my ciboulot!
In my head it's a bit like waves, suddenly I AM only the little cowards, I am in panic, I am in physical pain, I cry, I am lost… I do not hear and feel nothing else. Then another wave and there I have access to all the thoughts of the other parts and it's screaming all over the place.
"What the hell is this? What the hell are you doing? We're going to lose our job because of you! No, but she's stupid! It's simple, however, call them and tell them! Yeah yeah I'm scared! Yeah yeah it hurts why you're all angry I don't like when you're angry! Yeah yeah I want paaaaaassss to feel it all. Yeah yeah I want to find a daddy and a mammmmaaaaannnnn … Nobody gets along, we can't get by on our own, we need help! ”.
And I reached out to my shrink to see if we could do a Skype session with the hope that she would brief those fucking cowardly parties and teach them to be stronger and more confident.
But she was not available… She replied that she could the next day.
And there the explosion ... "No one is there, we are all alone, we are still abandoned, no one is interested in us, no one wants to help us ..." Suicidal thoughts, tears, total despair ...
Then anger. "Go and show yourselves, you're just liars, society is rotten, we'll never get out of it, it's just shit, it's useless all that, this shrink sucks, it's is a liar, I hate her… I'm going to fart everything, I will never go back to see her, I will never do her damn sharing, I don't need her me, no one tells me what to do! ”.
And I have these rude parts coming. I am the cowards but I am also the rude ones. And since the start of confinement I have been following these two groups of parties. The cowards who are afraid of everything, who do not know how to do anything, doubt everything, look for a savior and from behind, I hear the insults and the harsh remarks of the coarse.
At times, things escape me, I have more and more facial expressions, sighs of exasperation, angry kicks or whispered swear words that come out without my noticing. My boss comes and talks to me, she leaves and I whisper "you bitch!", A worker talks to me, my face tightens and I make a noise with my mouth ...
It is very scary. All my life I have always been in control of my actions so that nothing is seen, that my inner world is not seen. When I needed the skills and knowledge of a part, she alone was present to accomplish the assigned task then hop I switched and another took over. My life was just a succession of switches. Sometimes "good switches" (not related to memories of trauma), and sometimes "bad switches" (very painful and frightening). Each part was catapulted one after the other to play its role of protection and help and neither questioned and sought to understand what had happened before she reappeared. I had some clues, of course, but too afraid to confront them to understand what was going on.
Now that many of my parts have understood that there are several of us sharing this body, things are getting more complicated!
To succeed in being more coherent, smoother, more "normal", I must accept my feelings and my thoughts. In my past, I didn't have the right to be angry or to be afraid or to be desperate… So I "had" to "separate" from these feelings in order to survive, to put them in a small corner of my head. Now, I must relearn how to face them and accept them, understand them and measure them so that they take their rightful place in my actions and my decisions.
For that I have to let the parts that contain them "be me". With all the rage they contain at having been killed and hidden for years. So that they can be heard and that they can finally feel loved, understood ...
But this is a very difficult part of my therapy!
Having those cowardly, rude, unfiltered parts will be an asset in my life. To be able to decide the things in our life we need to take time to listen to ourselves, to weigh the pros and cons (what the cowardly parties do) but also to be strong and determined and sometimes to decide on the quick to have what we want (what the coarse do).
Even though I am currently very confused and confused, I understand the purpose of my control parts. I think that when these new parts have been accepted and integrated with the other parts, I would be in a better position to make decisions and put them into action ...
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