I have had periods of no amnesia, partial amnesia, and total amnesia throughout my life.
I have dissociative identity disorder. I very often have episodes of amnesia from what I suffered during my childhood and I still have moments in my present when I have amnesias of my present.
I am convinced that the establishment of amnesia in my brain is done for a very good reason and is a reaction to those close to me, the environment I benefit from.
Amnesia must be seen not as an impediment to revealing, an obstacle, a pathology ... but as a means of survival, a positive and healthy mechanism in an inadequate environment.
I give you a small concrete example:
After fleeing the sect, I started divorce proceedings. At the time, I was under a lot of pressure and harassment from the sect and from my ex-husband to come back to the sect. The various lawyers that I had warned me, they advised me not to talk about the violence that I had suffered during my marriage and never to denigrate my ex-husband. So I stuck to facts outside me, he came from a sect like me, he was always in touch and he was close to another sect and took my daughters there. Justice did not want to hear any of this. And we are now on alternate custody by court order. 3 times I went to the police station to lodge a complaint, the 3 times I was told either to come back several weeks later because the person in charge of this was absent, or I was told that the handrails did not exist either I was told that I was in the wrong place and I was not opened. So I had to "cohabit" with my ex-husband. The man who raped me when I was still a minor, to whom the sect married me and who raped me (marital rape) throughout our marriage. A man who made me suffer financial, psychological violence constantly. I had to live with it. My daughters at the time cried a lot as soon as I picked them up after a weekend at his house, told me they missed them ... I had to listen to their suffering, console them, find the words not to mention my own suffering and my pain. own anger ... I had to cut myself off from my feelings to be able to endure the moments when they told me that they loved him and missed him ... I had to talk about him in terms neutral. They were caught in a very difficult conflict of loyalty. I had to ensure that they suffered less and flourish despite everything, despite this divorce ... So I "forgot", put aside everything I had lived with him. I then had total amnesia from what I had experienced during my marriage. It was necessary because if not it was too painful for me !!! To hear my daughters say that they loved this monster who had hurt me so much ... To endure their stays with him or to know that he was taking them to sects was unbearable! I was overcome by hatred, anger, despair, the feeling of injustice, of loneliness ... No one wanted to hear me! I nevertheless "made sure" that my daughters were "fine". They were followed by two psychologists who assured me that they were well, that they were not subjected to violence and that their father was a "good enough father". What else could I do?
How to respond to professionals who say that a man who has been violent with his wife is "good enough a father"? What if the courts consider that taking children to a sect is not a sign of endangerment?
So we forget, we keep moving forward doing the best we can!
And we make sure to educate our daughters to spot bad behavior, to talk and ask for help if we have a problem, to question and think, to listen to and trust each other ...
So I had total amnesia from the period I lived with him, bad times but also "good times". I did not remember the birth of my daughters where very vaguely, when I looked at pictures of them babies, I was unable to say which one was on it, I had difficulty dating and locating the places where we had lived ... I was unable to tell anecdotes to my daughters about their childhood because I had "forgotten" everything. And yet it was my close, recent past ... It was a protection for me, a way to face my role as a mother for them, to be able to listen and empathize with everything they expressed, a way of to be able to stay in touch with my ex-husband to inform him of the steps concerning our daughters, to make the exchange in a peaceful way between us when I left them to him during the weekends and school holidays then when we went on alternating custody. .
Now they are bigger. I'm less afraid that their custody be withdrawn, they would have a say in the decision of a judge. They spent a lot of time with me, learned, built themselves, are strong and have good reflexes to express their discomfort and their suffering. They know the "basics". I have therefore had less need to protect myself lately and the memories of the violence suffered have "become accessible to me again".
What I want to explain with this example is that the amnesia that victims of rape or extreme violence can experience is a normal and healthy mechanism. A reaction to the "here and now".
In Dissociative Identity Disorder, the mechanism of amnesia really relates to this! I see it in my daily life. As soon as my daily life, my "here and now" is reassuring, that I am surrounded by helping and supporting people (whether they are relatives or professionals), my amnesia subsides.
As soon as I feel in danger, that "friends" or professionals deny or refuse to me the right to express what I lived, my amnesia, my dissociative barriers can be put back in place, and I do not "know any more ", I no longer have the details, I can no longer explain, say ...
I find this reaction very logical! If no one wants to hear from you, continuing to say exposes you to more suffering, more violence, more difficulty managing and coping ... And there is a risk that dissociative parts will be overwhelmed by anger or pain. , despair and this could lead to putting oneself in danger, suicide attempts ... We are therefore "obliged" in a certain way to function thus ... And it is also for this reason that the sentence that many people say "why haven't you spoken before? why didn't you say anything?" is excruciatingly violent for the victims !!!! It is not us who did not "want to say" anything !!! It is our close environment that did not give us the right to say and forced us to forget in order to be able to survive.
I think there are several explanations for amnesia in dissociation. There is of course the dissociative amnesia of the different dissociative parts that I have. In my childhood, many of my dissociative parts were amnesic from the violence and rape I suffered. It was a matter of survival. Each of my dissociative parts had its own memories, its own experience, its own story to tell. For example, my dissociative part "confession" lived only the moments of exchanges in words with the guru, his interrogations, then, when he raped me, another dissociative part came and supported, survived these moments. My "confession" part saw the guru as a listening, caring, tender and loving father. She had no awareness of his dark and violent face. She had amnesia since she had not experienced the rapes. Now, for several years, we have been sharing experiences and memories. Each of my dissociative parts now "knows" the whole of what we have been through (not necessarily the details but they know who raped us). These barriers and this distribution of roles were vital for me because in the sect in which I lived, I had no possibility of help and escape. So I had to not "know" at times and other parts of me to endure and outlive others when necessary.
Mechanisms like flashbacks allowed me to regularly reconnect with my story, dissociative parts tested and tried to alert those around me regularly. A way for me to try again and again in the hope of finally being protected. Then as my attempts failed, the amnesia and dissociative barriers would fall back into place.
There again, it is the necessity that made these dissociative barriers and therefore amnesic barriers to be put in place.
However, now an adult, having fled the sect, I perceive that my amnesia is a little different. Before it was about the distribution of roles and actions with a real compartmentalization in my mind. Now, when I have amnesias, it's more like "hiding information", pretending it doesn't exist. We are now fully aware of what we have been through and what we have had to survive. So I cannot say that I am amnesic from the facts. But I have a lot of moments in my present where a veil covers my memories and my ability to describe them, to talk about them.
I see it clearly with the coronavirus. This pervasive sense of "danger" has a lot to do with my sense of security in my present and my ability to face my story. If in my present I have to deal with difficult decisions, my story will "disappear" from my mind so that I can face the "urgency" of the here and now.
Integrating my story is no longer the priority, so it becomes fuzzy again so that I can act adequately in my present. As if my mind "put aside" some things to free up space for me to think about something else.
I wrote my testimony a few weeks ago for the prosecutor in connection with my rape complaint. My amnesia was lifted and I was able to date, partially locate and describe the facts. These days, the "threat" of the 5th wave for the coronavirus, the fear of finding myself in difficult financial and material conditions is causing everything to be blurry again in my mind. In the past, I have lived in a trailer, suffering from cold and hunger with my daughters right after fleeing the sect. I am terrified to find myself in a similar situation again. My environment in the here and now has made "sharing my story" between dissociative parties "dangerous". I cannot face all the threats, feel all the worries and fears, relive and integrate my experience of violence and threats while my present is not secure ... So everything becomes blurry and it's like if my brain of itself again put up barriers, protections so that I could find calm and security before continuing our work of assimilating my lived experience.
It is very very frustrating !!!! Especially since the propranolol that I take really helped me to move forward !!
My girls need me right now, my boyfriend needs me right now. I have to make sure I stay safe, have a job, keep my apartment, manage my role as a mom. My "here and now" is essential. My progress and my internal work therefore take a back seat.
But what is it frustrating !!!! Having to pause our sharing, our reflections, our progress, our awareness ... because external things, beyond our control mean that this is no longer the priority ...
My priority these days is my daughters, meeting their needs, making them feel good. Make sure that my "life as a mother, as an adult" remains stable. The rest is put aside while waiting to find safety. My need to take part in therapeutic time became secondary this week. I was able to work and take on my job without difficulty. My system of parts has ensured that for the moment the priority is not my psychic healing so that I can continue to function "normally" and assume my obligations and my responsibilities, adult functions.
It is frustrating because it is the environment in which I evolve which makes that I have to make a "choice" between my psychic care and my present. It would be easier for me if the French healthcare system allowed me to "heal" quickly. If when my daughters are going through difficulties I could have some help to back me up without being judged or denigrated as a mother, I could continue to be a "good enough mother" while continuing to move forward in my psychic reconstruction. But currently, my mother is not available so she cannot come and help me. So I have to manage my chips on my own and fend for myself.
My boyfriend cannot help me at the moment, he is focused on his company and has to manage it. He needs me to be operational at work now and the immediate priority is no longer to help me by accepting that my dissociative parts are no longer hiding, so that they can evolve in my present and see little by little everything that is is different in my here and now and thus change their ways of acting and thinking. So I have to function again at work, letting only my adult and "work" dissociative parts come in. If the current situation weren't so complicated, my boyfriend wouldn't be worried about the future of his business and we could continue to operate as we did.
What helps me and has always helped me the most is being able to not hide. Not having to cover up my dissociative identity disorder. Being able to talk about it openly. And today, it is my environment that forces me to function again in a "dissociated" way.
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