I'm doing a quick post to feed this site, but I admit that writing articles with a retrospective on what I live daily has become very difficult for me and a source of internal conflict. Hence my silence and the few posts published lately ...
I find it really hard to take a step back from what I'm going through at the moment, as if I had lost my ability to analyze my experience. I no longer have internal explanations of my "control parts" as it could be the case before, they could explain to me internally why I was going through such and such a phase, why they let such and such a part do, why such or such a part was experiencing or thought that way ... But that's no longer the case. So I can no longer write constructive articles clear enough to be published here. I devalue myself a lot and I have a very strong feeling that I am somewhat of an "impostor".
Let me explain: I have "lost" my ability to analyze "but also my" intellectual "side capable of" giving a scientific and objective look "to what I am going through. I can no longer do it at all. I no longer have access to everything I have read on TDI, on research articles ... I have the impression of having suddenly become stupid and no longer able to explain what I live from day to day I can no longer read books or scientific articles I have big problems memorizing and concentrating and reading has become difficult for me.
The fact of having stopped my access to my Facebook account for a while was "positive". My recent "obsession" with finding an escape solution, the urgency to do so seems to be subsiding. I am less obsessed with my project to build a tiny house. The fact of being completely cut off from current events and current conflicts has reduced my anxiety about danger and urgency to flee.
I started a follow-up in a psychotrauma center in addition to the follow-up with my psychiatrist. And I started the treatment with propranolol. I have no idea if this will help me and work. I am still very skeptical and on the defensive. But I also have the impression that my distrust of the medical profession seems to have slightly diminished as I have stopped reading articles denouncing sectarian abuses in this environment.
Well, that's the positive ...
The current negative is that I am extremely overwhelmed and that I am really losing my footing in my daily life. I have memory problems, almost daily amnesias. Lots of difficulty concentrating, remembering things, what I am told or asked during my days. I have never been impacted to this point. This poses very big problems for me in my work and I am even considering taking a break or part-time therapy ...
I am starting to have quite significant TOC and I feel that they are becoming more and more important. Because of my memory problems, due to my constant switches (between dissociative parties who no longer collaborate) in my days, I spend my time doubting whether I have accomplished such or such tasks requested by my boss. If he says something to me orally, 5 minutes later I no longer remember his instructions and no longer know what to do ... I have to write everything down, write everything I do because if not i can't remember if i did it or not. Even just 5 minutes later. I hardly have days without panic attacks or anxiety attacks. Working has become a real source of suffering for me. So I spend my time worrying about being very, very bad and going to check several times in a row what I have done in my day, my week ... I wake up at night with anxiety attacks, doubting of what I did or not and unable to calm down until I checked whether or not it was written as a task done in my calendar. And even after reading it, I still doubt, telling myself at times that maybe a dissociative part could have written it when I didn't ...
I am also suddenly, a lot in the flight and the avoidance of these situations generating anxiety. I run away from part of my job and push it back as much as possible (the administrative tasks that generate these anxieties) and it ends up exploding in a very strong panic attack because I do these tasks at the last moment when I have no more others choice.
My flashbacks related to these anxieties are very strong and I can no longer control them at all and reassure myself, realize that in my present things are different ... I am extremely overwhelmed! "Doing the papers" is like getting raped. I replay this trauma of my childhood in a filigree loop with my present. I relive this moment in my pulpit. The physical sensations, the emotions felt ... It's torture !! And a memory comes back over and over to the fact that "you can't trust me", I hear my rapist screaming it at me, I'm tied up, paralyzed, I'm going to die ...
I also have more and more verification TOC in my daily life: if I have closed my window, my door, turned off the gas ... I have to check again and again ... and once I leave home me, I often have flashes of anxiety forcing me to turn around to go back and check again. I don't trust myself anymore.
My present is entirely fragmented. And I just switch all the time. So I have a lot of difficulty putting my day or my week together and knowing what I did, with who I was ... car. I can no longer find my way, I do not recognize anything of the places, the landscapes .... I am in total panic ... I therefore also flee trips and outings because they generate anxiety. I'm too scared to go for a walk and not be able to find my road, my car ... And when I have to be outside for my work, I start having flashbacks again or I feel in danger. I see behind the scenes the monk chasing me in the forest, the snakes .... And I am terrified. If I am accompanied, it goes well. But alone, it's just horrible!
I also tend to shy away from "responsibilities" these days. I have always known how to manage in one way or another my own papers, the procedures and appointments for my daughters ... I no longer trust myself, we are in a lot of internal conflict, I no longer have trust in my present and do not feel safe there, I no longer have or very little confidence in the shrinks and the care system that is offered to me and I have this recollection of the fact "that you cannot trust me "reproached by my rapist because I dared to tell my father what he was doing to me. I think this "phobia" of responsibilities is due to a mix of all of this. And also due to the very strong presence these days of my parts "who feel like teenagers" and their way of seeing the world and their desires for freedom, their refusal to be an adult, a mother, to have to work ...
I sincerely hope that the propranolol treatment will work and help me and the Seroplex that I am taking !!! I can not stand it anymore !!!! The psychotrauma center offers me help for my TOC.
To see...
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