I found a new book that I read this Weekend. It has been a great help to me!
I had a lot of internal battles and struggles because as I told you new parts are more present and I perceive them a lot more since the beginning of the confinement (the cowardly parts and the rude parts).
I have a hard time accepting the fact that it's also me, that being cowardly and being rude and angry could have been and could also be parts of my personality, of my way of being ...
I found this book "Souls" by Matt Ruff and this book "fell right on".
It tells the story of two DID people who are struggling to get better and to have a little more consistency in their lives. One Andy Gage who has already made good progress and talks with his various parties using a voting system, and the other Penny who knows nothing and is completely lost. She struggles with her black holes, her absences and is completely lost and panicked.
Books have always helped me to move forward and understand myself. So I spend a lot of time looking for life stories of people going through the same difficulties as me to see how they got out of it.
The two characters in the story have aggressive and very rude parts and cowardly and shy parts. By reading the book one is in turn in the life of a part then of another, one sees with "the eyes" of the different parts and I find that the switches and the amnesia are very well transcribed as well as the differences of points of view, ways of being of the parties and the cohesion of the whole system! This is the first book I find that really describes what it feels like to be suddenly catapulted into a situation and not know what happened before, what we said, what we said. did as I can or have lived it all my life. We understand that each part likes and desires different things, IS different but we also see that there is a cohesion, that each part has a particular reason for being and that the goal of each is to help the person in its entirety, that there is an overall coherence in the existence of the system and its functioning.
What also did me good is to read and understand little by little how the aggressive and coarse parts are accepted, their role in the system… This book speaks very little about the trauma undergone or does not extend on it anyway. but we really get into the head, the experience of a DID. And the epilogue is also good, reassures, consolidates in the objectives ...
Reading it helped me move on and decide to overcome my reluctance and shame in letting these gross parts come into contact with my therapist. To try to understand them too and no longer accept them as part of me. Don't be ashamed of them and laugh at what they can say to me.
All day long they spend their time setting fire to everyone who comes into contact with me (in my head and only in my head) ...
"count on that and drink clear water, you asshole" if my boss asks me to do something, "bastard you piss me off" if my daughters ask me something, "rotten shit you don't get it "if I talk to my shrink or my sister ... (if you read me, excuse me!) ...
At first, hearing them was horrible! They're screaming too, I can't pretend I can't hear anything! And it's hard not to let it show when you hear someone screaming and angry all day long.
To be polite and to do my job as if nothing had happened when in a way I just insulted my boss… to have an attitude and a gesture contrary to what I can hear in my head… A person speaks to me and explains to me the technical functioning of a machine for example, I listen to it, I try to understand, to record the data… And at the same time I hear screaming in my head "Pfff ... you Piss off me, I'm pissed off, but what the hell am I pissing off !!! You piss me off, tell him to break that he's boring to death… But he's going to shut her up yes !!! ! " Try to record data and understand something when someone yells that in your ears ...
It's really difficult and tiring to manage to find the right dose to let them be part of my system, that we tame each other ...
They are there, I cannot change anything. So I have to make sure that they come and confront my reality today. But it is not obvious! I don't just hear their words, I also feel their rage and their exasperation or the fear and terror of cowards… I can't pretend I don't feel anything… How can I continue to live my life, go to work, me? take care of my children ... and face those feelings and means of defense and protection that I have always repressed? What fair place should we give them?
I cling to the fact that in the past, whenever there was a mess and I was completely lost and overwhelmed, after I did a good job in my therapy, things would unlock to get better to be and a time of calm and peace.
I hang on but frankly… DRUNK this DID !!!
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