The end of summer is a trigger. Back to school, back to school, to routine ...
For a few days now I have not been well.
Many of my dissociative parts come to talk to me during the day.
I hear them cry. I hear them talking to me ... "Is he going to come? When is he going to come? I don't want him to come. I don't want to hurt myself yet ..." They cry.
I feel very depressed.
When I'm alone and no one can see me, sobs escape from my mouth, in my car when I drive to work, tears run down my cheeks, moans, howls of despair ... waves of terror and despair come and go. "He's going to come, he's here, he's right behind. I'm scared! No not yet! Not yet! I want more! I want to suffer more! I want her to stop!"
I really want to sleep and it is intrusive in my work. I feel exhausted all day and when the evening arrives, I can no longer fall asleep, I am in hyper activation, I wake up very early in the morning.
I am caught in a vicious cycle.
This is the first return to school where I am as aware that this period is a trigger. If I ask my relatives if the previous years were the same, they say I was having a period of despair at that time as well. My sister had noted it down, blaming it on the depression linked to the onset of winter.
I had a great summer. I was able to benefit from it overall. I was able to walk, share very good moments with my daughters, my family ... I felt a lot of joy. I was able to go for a walk and fill my heart and eyes with beautiful places in nature ...
This is also quite new. This is the first summer I have been able to visit my mother and not spend my days at her house sleeping constantly. I was a bit hampered the first two days but the rest of the time, we were able to share some great moments!
Flashes have invaded me for a few days, I feel pain ...
I hear the terror of my dissociative parts, their despair. They are very present!
It's hard for me! I feel like I'm lost in time.
I KNOW that I no longer live in the sect. I know my rapists: the guru, the priest, the teacher, my father and all the others are no longer there. None of them live near my home. I am safe. But when my dissociative parts share their memories with me, I no longer know. I can't see the differences. I do not see that I am in my apartment. I do not see that I am driving a car and therefore that I am of legal age, an adult. I am this little girl who is mistreated, raped, tortured. And I know that in a few days my suffering is going to start again and I'm going to have to find the strength to survive it, again, just once, once more ... And I feel lonely. So lonely. So abandoned!
I see the cages in which I was locked. I see the threatening dogs growling. I am helpless. It's all going to happen again and I can't save myself. I am nailed to the ground.
Soon I will hear the moans and the crying, I will see these shapes around me. I'll hear those fat laughs. Everything restart.
I'll see the teacher again. He's going to start over.
You will have to go see the priest and "go to confession", rape in the woods, blowjobs in the confessional ...
I should obey my father, be his "nice little girl" ...
I should "give the body" to the guru and all the others for all the good times I had this summer, "it's fair payment, we have nothing for nothing". "For all happy moments, you have to pay with your person, nothing is free".
But it's late August, I'm an adult. I am safe.
The good times that I lived this summer, I do not have to "pay" for them with my body. I'm free. I am safe.
But a lot of my parts don't know it yet ...
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