Welcoming is the correct term, I think, for what I am going through at the moment.
Welcome each part, its feelings, its memories, its thoughts ...
Accept to be in the middle of the sea, on a small frail boat and let myself be carried away, accept to find myself in the middle of a storm with waves of ten meters then on a very flat sea without any wind, without life, then return to the sea. storm...
Accept not to know what my next hour will be made of, what I will be capable of or not… Let go with the awareness and the confidence that this day will finally be a good day when I take stock of it tonight.
Trust and gratitude. This is what carries me and supports me on a daily basis. We now trust each other. Trust that if it is too horrible to share, a pause, a breath will be given. And gratitude from the parties who share their suffering to be finally understood, heard and relieved of some of their burden.
I feel so much love inside that sometimes I have tears in my eyes!
We are many and we are one. This is what we are.
And now we accept without struggling the needs of other parties.
We don't fight them anymore. We are no longer afraid or ashamed of it. And we agree to let the party with needs express them.
Does a game need us to take a 30 minute break and get some sleep? We did it.
A party needs to get out and see nature? We did it.
Do some of them express their fears and anxieties of being outside? We listen to her memories, we reassure her and if she asks, we go back to safety.
Part of feeling anger and frustration at being kept from going out any longer? We listen to it, we reassure it, we explain, we reconcile.
Are some of them frustrated and angry because they feel that we haven't been there enough for our girls? We listen to her and let her resume her role of mother and reassure herself about the well-being of our daughters.
Does any party need to share a painful memory of particularly excruciating rape? We listen, we let the sadness express itself, the despair ... Yes what he did was abject. Yes he had no right. Yes what he did was wrong. No it's not your fault. No you are not dirty. No you haven't done anything wrong and you're not guilty.
Part of it is suffocating, it's too much for her, she doesn't want to feel anything, it's all too excruciating for her? We listen, we surround him, we understand. Yes it is horrible, yes it hurts. Don't worry, we survived, it's over.
Does any part cry and share the affection they felt for the person who committed these heinous rapes? We listen to it, we reassure, we explain, we reconcile. This part had a difficult role. She tried to maintain a human connection with this monster.
Part of feeling anger and shame for feeling this emotional dependence on the monster? We listen to it, we understand, we explain ...
Every minute is like this: dialogue and welcome.
I wouldn't tell you that my days are beautiful and peaceful. It would be lying to you.
Sometimes I would just like my head to be torn from my body, I would like to run away as far as possible, I would like to be dead, the suffering is so intense and intact ...
But every time, at the bottom of this immense abyss, of this despair, at a given moment I hear voices, I hear parts which reassure and which say that it is finished then I feel this love which surrounds me , I feel this heat that comes over me again and the pain and death go away. I can breathe again, my body comes back to life, I see my home again. I am safe. It's finish.
And I feel a lot less that apprehension than I felt before the next wave that would plunge me into hell. Now, when I am well and safe, I hear and feel the gratitude of the parties and their well-being. I no longer think about this next sharing which scares me. I only feel this inner peace and gratitude.
And I finally realize all these little moments of happiness that I can share: watching my cats chase each other and laughing at their antics, observe my daughters and admire the beautiful young women they become, enjoy the wind and the sun, nature...
This is what predominates: feeling better.
Another thing that helps a lot is to experience the fact that my shrink and my sister are there and not giving up.
I regain confidence and complicity during the sessions with my shrink. She is always there. She hasn't abandoned me.
And the occurrence of a particularly painful memory awakened fears of abandonment and negative judgment on the part of my sister and my shrink. Neither judge or abandon me.
It is a need that I have at the moment, like a little child who is testing the limits and the bond with those around him. If I get angry, if I refuse to talk to him, if I get angry ... would they punish me? Will I be abandoned? Will I be rejected?
Test the connection and see that whatever I do or say, they are always there, they listen to me and support me.
To experience what a real human relationship is, with its ups and downs but where dialogue exists and where the link does not have crazy and contradictory conditions
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