27/04/2021

Well ... that's done ...

I missed my appointment with the psychiatrist who had followed me for a while ...

It was yesterday...

I have never missed a single appointment with my different shrinks in 10 years ...

Usually I have a part that knows and reminds me of it. There nothing ... the black hole.

When it doesn't want ...

We don't agree. We can't come to an agreement. Are we safe? Can we trust him? Are we still going to be hurt if we accept to trust one more time?

I'm never late for an appointment, I'm even always early.

There it is as if part of my day yesterday is absent. And it is only today that I realize it ...

There is always a good reason for the blockages, for the ways of acting of my dissociative parts. With the psychiatrist, we had to talk about the conference which confuses me.

I'm afraid of this confrontation. When I saw her two weeks ago, we talked about the conference. I explained to him that things bothered me, put me on alert, the fact that a person participating had studied the shamans. (I hadn't really researched this conference yet.)

She said to me: "I have the impression that you have parts which are not well oriented in the present, I will watch the lecture and we will discuss it to help your parts to orient themselves in the present".

If I go to see her and she hasn't seen anything "dangerous". We will not be able to continue to see her. It is my mind, my balance that I put in danger when I go to therapy. I know from my experience in the sect that handling is easy. And I especially do not want to fall back into a cult or be manipulated. If she doesn't see any of the dangerous signs, she can't guide me, she can't understand what it's like to grow up in a cult. She can't help me if she can't see anything.

Before, I blocked these fears, I accepted to trust while remaining vigilant. But the loss of my shrink and the feeling of betrayal that goes with it reinforced this mistrust functioning.

If I go to see her and she tells me that she adheres to what is said in this conference, it will be a disaster for me. It will reinforce the belief of some of my parts that no one should be trusted and that danger is everywhere. And I may no longer be able to try and find a new shrink. And I would have to fend for myself. And I'm afraid of being alone to deal with my inner shit.

Plus now my angry parts are there. And they won't be shy to say what they think. Before, I prevented them. Expressing anger was forbidden for me. I forbade myself. Now that they are more integrated, I say what I think, I moan, I say bad words ... and I don't want to do it with the psychiatrist.

I don't want to experience one more rejection. I don't want her to close the door. I don't want to have no escape door if I need to.

I know. It is completely paradoxical. But if I don't do anything, if I don't budge, if I don't have this potentially confrontational discussion with her, I have a belief that the situation will not get worse.

If nothing happens, then nothing gets worse.

I know that trusting again is important!

But it's a learning that comes and goes as I live. A meeting can change everything about my perception and the protections I put in place. And for the TDI it's complicated to change that ... I learned to survive thanks to these alarms which told me to be wary throughout my life. So I can't just say "trust" to myself. Because I have many experiences where I have done and which ended negatively.

I also know that accepting disagreements is important! Confronting points of view, accepting to listen to others, confronting my anchored beliefs is essential!

This is how I learn to accept my own internal disagreements too!

It's just a time when I'm more "vulnerable". I "lick my wounds" in a way before going back to the "fight" towards life and towards my integration of my parts ... it will come back! I just need a little time ... A little time to be able to bear the shock if things go wrong and not collapse ... A little time to reassure me, to console me , support myself internally and find this beautiful internal cohesion that was there a few weeks ago ... Knowing again that I am strong, that whatever happens I will survive and I will continue to move forward ... Like I always have.