27/04/2020 Containment of bip !

I'm fed up ! Not tired of being confined as all people can live it right now with the containment of the Covid but tired of being confined in my head with these mashed "parties". Fed up with them ruining my life all day long. Tired of constantly doing yo-yos in my feelings, my thoughts, my goals, my decisions ... Tired of being prevented from acting as one person could do, tired of never knowing in advance to the minute what sauce I will be eaten, how will my day be, what I will have to endure and live ...

Tired of being chained to mashed balls!

I am confined all year round, every minute with a daycare center, a summer camp, a colony, a community… just in my head and I can't escape them… NEVER!

I'm sick of not remembering what I experienced a week, a month, a year, ten years ago… I'm sick of ending up in situations without understanding anything and not know exactly what I was able to say or do the minute before. Tired of deciding something feeling like it's good, my decision is made, feeling at peace and after having an emotional tsunami that calls everything into question ...

This Weekend alone was horror! New parties came to speak with my shrink (they hadn't done so before, had stayed hidden and hadn't shown themselves to her). Parts that I hate. Parts that I would like to say that they do not belong to me, are not "me". Those are parts which aim to "fit in", they have swallowed all the precepts of the sect and they like to have a guru, someone who dictates to them what to think, do, say, be. … They look outside for a brain, a decision maker who will make the choices for them. Because making choices is too difficult, making choices is dangerous, making choices is having responsibilities and they don't feel capable of it.

Just before confinement, with my shrink we had found a good balance. I had the impression that everything was rolling. I felt good, I suffered less (physically and psychologically). The parties that were there got along quite well, we voted, we came to an agreement, my daily life was improving, I was able to do things that I had not done for a long time ... and confinement arrived ... We had to do our sessions by Skype.

A disaster !

To give you videoconferences, it's easy, harmless… For me it's torture!

I have a part that comes by complaining "I don't like the videos ouinouin !!!!" and which shortens or prevents me from doing it with my shrink. (She was filmed during her rapes by our rapists and feels like it's going to start again).

Other parties don't like videos because we can't observe our shrink the same way. It's true we don't see anything, either we only see her head and suddenly you can't see her body anymore and you can't observe her body language to know what she is thinking, or you can see her whole body but you no longer sees the expressions of her face and her eyes and we no longer hear her well suddenly impossible to know what she is thinking with her micro expressions ... And in addition with Skype we do not see the whole room in which she is suddenly impossible to know if someone else is in the room and listening ...

Yes I know it sounds paranoid. She's my shrink. We are supposed to have confidence in her, the code of ethics and all and all… But I have these new parts which have come out who do not know her and who do not trust her. So I have the right to all the remarks and monologues that go with it. "She's nice, she won't hurt us." "What do you know, lots of people betrayed us, we can't trust anyone" "Fuck you all!" "send everything for a walk, no one is there, we are completely alone, nobody cares about us" "it is useless" ...

Suddenly not many sessions since this containment biiip and as a bonus lots of other voices who speak and express themselves up there… Thank you the pangolin !!! Great the gift !!

And as if that was not enough, I have a new group which arrived following the Béniouiouis… The coarse ones.

People who spend their time insulting and making comments with lots of swear words at every moment.

In everyday life, for someone around me, I hardly ever say bad words. The ones I use are like: "goat poop, damn, thin, Wednesday ...", it's very rare that more raw come out of my mouth.

And there I hear all day long with the rage and anger that go with it ...

I want to yell at everyone, I want to shit everyone.

I feel abandoned. I feel lonely to deal with all this shit. No one understands what I live with on a daily basis how hard it is to be the way I am!

But damn it's not my fault !!!!

I had to survive stuff so horrible that I did what I could to survive it and now I have to scramble on my own to put the pieces back together, to figure out what's going on. And frankly I'm sick of it!

Fed up that people around me don't care, don't try to understand or help ...

It's all well and good to have a shrink and a sister who they listen to but they are not there with me all the time… Nobody is there when I cry at night, nobody is there when I am paralyzed during the day , nobody is there when I want to hit on everything I have around me so much everything I live is unfair ... Nobody can do things for me to succeed in making themselves understood so many people in my head that sometimes I have the impression that I'm going to drown, that we're all going to drown ...

No one is there when I find myself on all fours and I am once again this little girl who has been raped. No one is there to help me when anger overwhelms me or shame… All that I still have to do it alone…

And on top of that I have to be a mother to two little girls (my 2 children), be careful to continue to manage things with the fear of making a mistake that would allow their father to recover custody, go to work, pay my bills ...

It is so unfair and revolting !!!

Nobody measures the energy, the pain it is to live with this fucking TDI in your head! And if I try to talk about it and explain, people take me either for a madwoman or for a weak one… But my coconut comes! Come on we'll see if you could do better than me! We'll see if you don't give up after just one day !!!

I have no choice ... I am confined for life ...

And that's just the horror!