When I started this site, I asked several people around me to be my "guardians". Let them "watch me", and make sure that I don't write anything that puts me in danger. I asked them to reread my posts and validate them for me.
I didn't trust myself, I was afraid to write things that could be misinterpreted or misunderstood, to say things that could have put me in danger ... I needed "guards" to reassure me.
Little by little I gained self-confidence, I made less use of these "helpers" to validate my legitimacy to bear witness to what I was going through.
Since I was little, in the sect, I was taught that talking about our needs is forbidden, talking about what we feel (especially if it is negative) is forbidden and that criticizing or questioning is forbidden.
It is still very difficult for me to do it, and it is at the cost of a lot of inner suffering that I manage to do it !!!
The "Ellen Lacter Stories" that I read with my shrink helped me free myself from it all a few months ago. My dissociative parts carrying these fears of "dying if I speak" began to free themselves from these prohibitions. I was no longer hindered to free my word.
Concretely, before that, I could write what I thought then erase everything suddenly seized with a terrible anxiety attack. I had a stomach ache, wanted to vomit, I was paralyzed, I began to hear crying in my head, I had pain in my arms, my back ... It was all so overwhelming and painful that I backtracked and deleted everything.
I had near-death anxieties, I heard dissociative parts in my head telling me that speaking is forbidden, criticizing is forbidden ... I began to think that I was zero, that I had no legitimacy to to think what I was thinking and even less to testify to it ... I belittled myself. When I feel this anxiety, I tend to eat almost no more, and I try at all costs to escape these overwhelming feelings. By ignoring them or using means to obscure them. I can immerse myself in a task or make sure that I put on a covering noise (put the music on blast or a movie blast) so that I no longer hear my anguished thoughts spinning in my head ...
This was my daily life.
Then there were these Ellen Lacter stories. It has been a tremendous help for me and my dissociative parts. In a few months, my behavior changed. My small dissociative parts agreed to listen to them. And they started to change the way they act. When I did things or said things (expressing my needs, saying what I thought, expressing reservations or criticisms about certain things ...), I did not reactivate myself, I heard in my head my thoughts saying "They lied, we are safe now, we have the right to say, say it's not bad, we are safe ..." ... And above all, I no longer felt any physical pain, d strong emotions of terror or guilt. I no longer thought of negative sentences against me.
It all starts all over again. My last two posts generate a lot of anxiety in me.
With each sound notification from my phone, my very first thought is a rush of anguish that I physically feel. I have a lump in my stomach, and waves of anguish and fear that invade my body and disaster scenarios cross my mind. It's my shrink who calls me to yell at me and forbid me to say what we feel. I'm scared, I hear crying in my head, and I hear these sentences over and over: "To have criticized is bad! I have no right to criticize! It is serious! What I do is serious and bad! I will be punished! I will suffer! ".
And I feel the fighting picking up inside me. To speak or not to speak? Let all parties speak or not?
How do you explain?
There are times you have an opinion. You are sure of yourself and you want to express yourself ... But imagine that you are at that moment where some kind of adrenaline rush comes over you where you say to yourself "this is the moment I have to speak". It's a moment in our head where things are clear, we know what we are thinking, the arguments in favor of what we think are crystal clear and jostle in our mind ... I live the same thing except that in a matter of seconds, I'll be able to have an opinion and a few seconds to have the exact opposite belief. It's exhausting. I am one then the other. Completely. One minute, I am convinced that describing what I live daily, explaining my struggles and internal struggles is essential. I want to testify, I want to inform ... Then the next minute, I am convinced that doing it is useless, that doing it is dangerous, I feel pain, strong emotions ... Then again, I tell myself that I am not doing anything wrong, that I am safe. It is okay and forbidden to express your opinions. What to do is important. Then again I'm cut in half.
It is very scary! On the one hand, because yo-yoing emotionally like this is physically draining. Then because I really feel that my life is a fog ... Who am I? What do I think and want in the end? I have the impression of being an empty shell tossed about in the heart of a gigantic storm. I feel like I have no control over anything. I don't even know what I'm thinking so if I don't know what I'm thinking what legitimacy do I have to speak and say to others? I am nothing, I do not exist.
Then depressive thoughts. I am nothing. I should go. No one wants to hear. This is useless. I'm alone.
Then anger with myself. If I didn't have these fucking thoughts blocking me, my life would be so much easier. I blame myself, I blame my parts carrying my "forbidden to speak". I suck. It's their faults !! Without them, I would be free!
Then the doubt. Is all this true, am I not making it all up. I am actually crazy. If I pretended that all of this didn't exist, my life would be easier. If I forgot everything, my life would be easier. We must deny everything, we must forget everything. I do not want to suffer. I can't take any more of these internal conflicts. I don't want to suffer anymore!
Then physical pain, crying in my head, screaming ... Parts that scream. They are there. I can not deny. I can not hide.
Despair again. How to do? I'm never going to get there. It's too hard!
And so on and on ... Anger, despair, sadness, will, calm and peace, guilt, emotional needs, anger and refusal to express, sadness, doubt, anger, acceptance, sadness, willingness to speak, guilt, anger, despair .... Every minute of my life is like this.
I have a DID. A fucking DID. And this is my PROOF. The proof of what I went through, of what I was done. My life is a fucking whirlwind.
Another concrete example:
Her I published a post as well as another a few days ago. People contacted me to encourage me. When I read their kind words, the first few minutes of reading, I thought "what are they talking about?" I no longer remember having written. I couldn't remember that I had times this week when I was sad. Reading their encouragement, I had a feeling of strangeness, of unreality. It took me a few minutes for the memories to come back to me. But I was as if detached from this experience that I had shared. Today, I don't feel any despair. I have a few negative thoughts which follow one another but not this big despair which invaded me for several hours during the past week. This "reality" is like a cloudy dream in my mind. Something that I experienced but in which I do not really recognize myself today ...
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