24/04/2021

Saying the positive is important. Saying the negative is just as much ...

But this is something that is difficult for me. I tend to shut up and keep my difficult times to myself.

First of all because throughout my life I have learned through the human encounters that I have had that people tolerate little or no people who are doing badly. Often they break away from it. So I kept quiet and kept my difficulties to myself.

Then when I am in pain, I feel vulnerable and I tend to hide this state for fear of showing myself more vulnerable and therefore of being revictimized or that the people around me use this to make me suffer.

Then because because of my DID, I have lots of "states of mind" in me that coexist. Certainly I'm depressed and sad at the moment but I can switch and be at work without a problem, or take care of my daughters and manage my daily life with them without them perceiving these dark thoughts in me, or I can also be very angry ... My state of mind is not all about one thing. I don't want to be labeled depressed. I am not. Dissociative parts of me are. Not me in my entirety. And I know it's pretty hard for people to understand. The fact that I can have such desperate words at one point when I indulge in them and then 5 minutes later I am able to laugh out loud and be completely different in my way of being ... They will then have tend to think that I am exaggerating my desperation, that I am pretending or then get angry and reject me because they do not understand who I am and do not know how to react to me.

So right now I have moments, full of moments where I'm sad and desperate. But I also have plenty of times when I'm focused on research, I read a lot of scientific articles, books, sites ... I want to understand, I want to know ... no more negative thoughts in my head. I am functional, my mind is focused ...

At work these last days it has been difficult because it is a difficult time of the year and full of pressure in the branch in which I work and for my boss. He is therefore naturally less patient. And if he is less patient, I feel it and my parts reactivate immediately at the slightest sign that they interpret as dangerous. If my boss gets angry and raises his voice, if his body is arched by fatigue, if he is speed ... All of this makes me nervous and puts me on the defensive. At the moment he does not have time to reassure me and take the time with me to discuss with my dissociative parts which reactivate, explain to them that they are safe, tell them why he raised his voice, explain to them that 'he is not angry with them ... all those things that allowed me to move forward, reassure myself, gain confidence ... and allowed my dissociative parts to share my "here and now present" and realize on a daily basis that the time of violence and suffering is over. Currently, this is not possible. It is so and I have to deal with it. Most of the time, I manage as best I can and do the job that is asked of me. And some days, I crack. Like a few days ago, when I was unable to do what he asked me and started to whine like a madeleine convinced that if I did, I would die, with pain all over the place. body. He yelled. And I ended up doing what he asked me to do. And of course I did not die of it. My boss then asked me "so it was that hard to do?" and one of my small dissociative parts replied to her by crying "yes it is difficult it hurts". After that, I was able to resume my work. I was exhausted.

I feel really unsettled right now. I have the impression of suddenly losing all the skills that I had gained for several years, of diving into the one I was a few years ago. I'm wasting time again. I say this in the sense that, again, I have plenty of times where I no longer know what I did just before. I am losing my skills again (like at work these last days) and I feel that again, a lot of internal conflicts are taking place. I no longer have that strong cohesion that I have been able to have in recent months, little or more internal dialogue between my parties. I start switching again throughout the day, part, then another, then another ... it's exhausting!

I think it's because I feel a bit lost and abandoned. I no longer have clear and precise goals for my future, many of the things that I had planned, in which I had invested myself in thought and in action, in the last few months will not happen. It was the first time that I planned things in a sustainable way, for the long term ... And for it to fall apart and not happen was very difficult for me to come to terms with. My future after having been for the first time in my life visualized concretely and concretely invested collapses ... Suddenly I am again in the blur, the uncertain as has been the majority of my life and my experience. I never projected myself very far. I knew that one way or another things were going to turn into a disaster ... Then in the last few months, I allowed myself to think in terms of the future, in terms of the positive, in terms of sustainability ... And when at last I dared to hope, to believe in it ... Everything collapsed. So it really broke me!

I was also at a point in my therapy where finally for several months, all my dissociative parts had agreed to let their guard down. We had all agreed to show us, to discuss with my shrink, to express aloud what we were experiencing and feeling in our head and our body. We had agreed to no longer see things in a systematically fatalistic way. We had accepted that in fact, good people exist, we could trust, we could be us, show ourselves as we are and that this would not generate anything bad, our shrink would not hurt us, we would not would not be rejected ... We had agreed to believe in it. We no longer hid. We trusted.

Then some things my shrink said and did reactivated us.

It is difficult for me to talk about this here. And it is for this reason that I have written very little in recent months. This site aims to testify and be a positive testimony for people with DID. Show that we can get out of it. I am therefore quite reluctant to say the negative things that I am going through or the criticisms of shrinks. Because behind, I know that there are benevolent humans (for the most part I hope) who dedicate their lives to helping injured and suffering people. But I also think that it is important that I testify of what is happening now to perhaps help the shrinks who follow DID patients to understand the conflicts and the why of these conflicts which can lead to a rupture of bond. .

I'm not yet ready to actually write this. I will do it later, when calm returns inside me.

Anyway, I stopped seeing my shrink. And that's something very scary for me! I was at a point in my therapy where all of my dissociative parts trusted her and were ready to address our traumatic past. We were ready to tell him, to talk about it. We were ready. And just then, things she said and did triggered distrust and fear. In this case, if we do not trust how could we have shared with the worst of what we had lived? How could we have been so vulnerable to her, if we didn't feel confident? It just wasn't possible.

And it gives the impression to certain dissociative parties that this recent experience is one more experience that we must not say what we have lived because when we are about to say, catastrophes occur, people reject us. and we find ourselves alone. For these parts, my shrink rejected us because we were going to say. They are therefore afraid to do so again.

I almost always feel in danger.

In danger at work because my boss gets angry, I feel incapable, that I lose my work skills again and so catastrophic scenarios are spinning in my head ... I will lose my job, I will starve with my daughters, I will end up on the street ...

In danger because I feel alone. I lost friends recently, my shrink ... I hear a lot of parts crying in my head again. Imagine having to work while hearing constant cry ... Believe me it's just excruciating! Exhausting! I can no longer converse and reassure internally. So I switch, I switch all day long so as not to hear them, to feel them ... And I fall asleep with a film in my ears, if I turn the volume up, I end up not hearing them anymore and I can fall asleep ... But it's exhausting! And it is clear that my sleep is not the most restful!

In danger because I see the world around as dangerous. The Coronavirus of course is not a climate that reassures about the future in general ... But the world of psychiatric care also ...

A conference on dissociation and trauma organized by a group that promotes "miraculous healing through holistic treatments", "curing people of cancer by imagination", "changing DNA by intention", which speaks "healer, shamanism, healing by energy, vortex created by emotion" ... All this necessarily reactivates all my dissociative parts ... It sounds strangely like things already experienced in my childhood, already heard ... And that caring professionals participate in this means that some of my dissociative parts say to themselves that no one should be trusted, that the danger is everywhere !!

How can these pros participate in this? How can they advertise it?

Don't they have a duty to protect their patients? Preserve all the people who will listen to them and who will believe that all the stakeholders are placed in the same row, that all the approaches are validated, are they good? How can they not ask questions and not warn? I have a lot of trouble understanding it! After a while the "error is human" has its back !! It took me 10 minutes to find this info. They weren't hidden, the articles in which these sentences are written are for everyone to see and know ... So does that mean these pros endorse it, okay? In this case, there is a big problem !! We patients are already struggling to find a competent shrink so if in addition we have to go through shrinks who relay this kind of theories ....

Thank you but no thank you !!!

This is why it is so important for me to understand, to search for myself, to question, to decide in my therapy !!!

So for shrinks like these, a person victim of a sect in his childhood, who lived there continual violence, rape, will be treated with irrational care?

A person with dissociation or an DID who has been manipulated, who has lost control of his body, his mind will be treated with care such as these?

My dissociative parts flee this, like the plague !!! And here is the consequence, patients who are deprived of help and care because professionals think that shamanism, or exorcism or prayers or whatever will help us to heal ...

I am SO, but SO angry !!!!!

And that's what also participates in this phase where I am so destabilized.

My future is bleak because I doubt that I can find a shrink with enough feet on the ground who will not offer me a strange and eccentric treatment.

I want concrete, I want verifiable, I want scientific !!!

I have nothing against those who believe in it. Everyone is free! But keep in mind if you are a pro that your patients have been desperate for help, often for years, that they are weakened, vulnerable and that you have an ethical responsibility towards them! And I also want the possibility for me who categorically refuses this kind of practice to have the right to quality care free from this !!! It's my right.

Another thing that this kind of practice also generates in me is that because anything and everything is associated with the treatment of trauma, a lot of things are inaccessible to me. Yoga scares me and reactivates me. In itself it could help me but too many strange practices are associated with it, so I am unable to apply it to help me in my daily life because some dissociative parts see it as dangerous for me.

The term "mindfulness" reactivates me. It awakens in me traumas that I experienced as a child. All this to say that it would be good if there was a FRAMEWORK of practices to be done !!!!

I am well aware that science does not yet know everything, that we need to experiment with certain approaches that initially seemed far-fetched and that this is how science advances and therefore the treatment of patients as well. But is it obligatory to speak of other worlds, of chakra, of vortices, to deny entirely the validity of medicine, of drugs which have saved and saved lives? Could I one day do meditation without stumbling across a site that doesn't have a guru to listen to? Would it be possible to separate and regulate the practices for and especially for the treatment of trauma victims ?? !!!

The dissociation is very strange to live, the DID even more. We finally began many years ago to have scientific evidence of what happens in the body and brain of patients with these disorders. So why go back to delusions of "possession" and spiritual or esoteric explanations? Why not stay in the scientific, the tangible ...? You are serving our cause by doing this. And that puts me in a black anger !!! We were finally becoming credible, our word is finally starting to be heard ...

So I'm looking for a shrink again. I saw a psychiatrist who had followed me for a while several years ago. But I hesitate. My trust is shattered and between dissociative parties we fight a lot inside to see if we try to resume follow-up with her or not.

Some of my parts think that only a DID could really help us. At least with a DID one would not have to play the guinea pigs and to "explain", "inform", "make understand" to our psychologist. A DID would know. A DID having gone through this, this healing path that we are currently doing could give us a concrete answer, testify to how she lived it, what it does, how is her present ... We are also digging on this side the.

There you go, sorry for this mic mac of messy thoughts ... That's what's going through my head these days ...

That and make me a tiny house. Some of my parts are deeply into this project and do a lot of research. Not to depend on anyone, to be able to flee at all times, to have my home, everywhere ... When these parts are there, only these searches count ... Quickly, quickly! Set up the project, carry it out to be finally safe ... Well, luckily other parties are tempering this project. Letting these parties have this project allows me to calm down. So I have something, a project to hang on to, a new project looking to the future even if I feel that those who carry it are not really very well oriented in the present and the fact that I am no longer in immediate danger. It just has the merit of calming me down and channeling my thoughts towards something positive rather than the hopelessness I feel, the feeling of abandonment, the anger ...