This week I did a training course in connection with administrative procedures as part of my work.
Explanation of this day:
I arrive in the room, a little moment of panic. The part that is there is under stress. I sit in the first chair I see vacant in the conference room. A colleague had to be present, I scan all the faces and do not recognize anyone. Masks are not easy for me, I have a lot more trouble recognizing people, recognizing emotions or the micro expressions of faces ... I tend to feel much more in danger because I miss him expressions on the lower face, I feel more watched, or I have the impression that people are angry or angry and suddenly I reactivate a lot more. I text my man: "C. is not there!".
I panic a little. I'll be alone all day with strangers.
The training begins. I switch again.
For 2 hours everything is fine. I am present, I listen, I ask questions ...
A person intervenes. I recognize the voice. It's C.! Oh she's right next to me, just one person separating us. Damn ... why didn't I recognize her? I wave hello to him.
The last hour of the morning is difficult. I can hear sighing and moaning a lot. Some parties are fed up. Some are starting to cry in my head. I have a stomach ache. How am I going to hold out all afternoon? I start to saturate. Thoughts of panic come over me.
My part that is afraid of papers comes a lot in the last hour and I have more and more intense adrenaline rushes. She's in a panic. At each law mentioned by the speaker, she panics. Did I do it like this? Is my boss going to be punished by my fault for doing the papers? "Papers destroy good people, papers are bad, papers are forbidden ...".
I have a stomach ache, want to vomit. I panic a little. If I have a panic attack there. How are people going to react? No! No! We must not! Breathe !!! Do I ask the speaker to call the fire department? I will die! Help!
(All this is "dialogues" in my head)
End of training, mealtime. I switch parts jump for joy. It's finish ! At last ! We will be able to breathe!
One part says to himself, there is C. who is there, politeness would like us to eat with her or that one proposes to her in any case. If we don't, she'll find me weird ... At the same time, other parts say that if we don't have the break to take a breather without having to "control" us, hide, it's going to be hard to hold the afternoon too. They don't agree.
I go out. C. is there, we chat for two minutes. I ask her what she does at noon. She replies that she eats at her sister's who lives next door and says "I didn't know you would be there" and she leaves.
Parts explode in it. But is she stupid or what? It was she who sent me the registration for the training because I asked her when she told me to have registered, I am not going to ask for something and not to go ... Little girls are crying and feel unloved. Thoughts of denigration don't stop ... You're worth nothing, you're too weird, you scare him, but what am I doing here? Why did I come?
I get in my car, I have to find where to eat. Panic. I am alone, I am all alone. I am abandoned. I will die. The speaker spoke at the end, he said what time to come back. What the fuck did he say? I don't remember any more! If I leave, I will not find the place of the training, I will get lost! Panic. I'd better not move. If I don't move I'll be fine, I'll be safe.
I try to calm down. A part intervenes. Calm down. I know. We resume at 1:45 p.m. We have 45 minutes to eat. It'll be OK.
I am starting. And I'm looking for a place to buy food. Panic during the whole trip, very difficult to read the signs, to know in which direction I am going and how I will return. It is an office area. I have to move away quite a bit and finally find a supermarket. I digress. Panic. What if I can't find my car? What is the driveway where I am parked? I do not remember. I hear crying. I'm tired. I have a very strong desire to sleep. I'll never get there.
I quickly buy myself something. I manage to find my car. I put back my GPS to find the place of training. It's rattling in my head. We couldn't rest.
Afternoon training. I'm tired. I find it harder to listen. The lecturer looks at me often and that worries me. I have a lot of times when my part that is afraid of papers comes and I feel its moments of panic show on my face, my cheeks on fire, my eyes in panic ....
All afternoon, I have moments of the conference that I "miss". I hear bits of sentences but not the end, moments of amnesia where I am no longer there. Or in any case, not my adult parts who understand and register these notions. I have plenty of moments when I "come back" and I put 5 minutes to understand that the lecturer is 2 or 3 pages later on the paper support he gave us. It rattles inside every time. Quickly I see what I missed. Anger is mounting. Stop! Today it is I who must be there! Me the adult! Give me a break ! I manage as best I can. I ask the speaker to rephrase what I missed by saying that I want to be "sure I have understood correctly".
5 p.m. End of training. I get in my car. I put the GPS back on. The traffic jam. Damn was missing more than that! On the whole return trip it's a "party" all express themselves, moan, cry, shout .... And at the same time I have to be super vigilant to drive with all this traffic
I go home. My chips are there. They haven't seen me all day, they want to tell me, talk ... And me all I want is to lie down ... The "mother parties" come and listen to my chips. Inside it rattles. Piss off those kids. It's not mine. I do not want it. Give me a break. You manage, I managed well me. Parties are moaning. Moms parties listen to my daughters, cuddle, listen to stories and little sorrows, anecdotes ... Meanwhile in my head, my teens are moaning and commenting on everything my daughters say. A real festival !!!
You may not know how exhausting it is! Being torn internally between these parts and my loving and protective mother side ... I also feel anger, I hear crying, I feel guilt, shame ...
Then prepare the meal. My darling has had a hard day. He has worked a lot today and is exhausted. For him, I had a quiet day, not tiring. I have to take it upon myself.
Today I can not tell him. Today, there, at this time, he cannot listen and understand. He can't help ...
Tell him how difficult it was, how much we struggled, how trying every time I do training for me because I have no escape. I can't go out, have a good cry in a corner, I can't close my eyes for 5 minutes, do breathing techniques, concentrate and listen inside and take the time to reassure ... I can't not put on music to relax, I cannot call someone to help me by talking to reassure, to put thoughts to the right place ....
It's so hard to make people understand that if I'm with people, I'm super vigilant all the time. Hyper vigilance to hide, hide my parts and that I do not have the possibility of using my usual "resources" of calming down. Hyper vigilance because my parts are on the alert. I am potentially in danger in the midst of strangers. I observe, I listen ... Every word, facial expression, noise ... Everything is analyzed and reacted differently ...
It is also times of very intense internal conflicts. Each party thinks it is best placed to intervene and protect me and they fight and yell at each other, argue ... Suddenly it also reactivates my automatisms: if there are too many internal conflicts, my small parts cry a lot. because they are sad that we argue, parts of depression reactivate because if we are in conflict, no hope exists, thoughts of death cross me, of despair ... and part tries to fall asleep to calm down and stop the conflict, I feel a weight of fatigue on my shoulders all my body ... I have to struggle a lot to stay present and listen ... I have a lot of very strong emotions that pass through me throughout during the day, feelings of physical pain ...
It's all exhausting for me !!!!
And it's painful that no one knows all of this. No one realizes how difficult it was, but we succeeded! We survived that day! We are proud and sad and we feel alone and misunderstood.
How difficult is it! But we fight, we try again and again and again ... Even if it hurts, even if it is hard ... Every day is a fight for me. But we don't give up. And sometimes it is hard because for everyone, this day that we have just spent, is nothing extraordinary. We did not do a feat. It was just a training day. A quiet day, rest in short ...
And another boring thing is that despite the fatigue of this trying day, I have trouble falling asleep because parts of when I go to bed spend a good time remembering the day, each dialogue, each moment and try to decipher if we have done or said something wrong and that reactivates internal conflicts and reproaches ... I end up putting a film in my ears, something that makes more noise than the noise in my head to stop hearing and finally manage to sleep ...