I have been seeing a psychiatrist from a psychotrauma center for several months. She makes me do CBT (Cognitive and Behavioral Techniques).
I have a "homework" to do for our next interview.
I take this opportunity to clean it up here.
I have to fill in a "conceptualization grid" on a situation in my present (happening in the here and now).
We are currently working to improve my "vision of my mouth".
The first question is: what's going on? What are the inappropriate behavior (s)?
-I have a lot of trouble taking care of my mouth. I haven't seen a dentist for several years, I have trouble brushing my teeth and wearing a mask does not help because no obligation to brush my teeth since no one sees them ... eats only out of "obligation" and has no pleasure in it. If I could run out of food, that would be fine with me. I cook for my daughters but it gets me drunk, I don't like to cook and feeding myself when I'm alone is difficult. So I tend to eat anything without having a real meal. I do not take pleasure in the taste of food.
-I put clay in my mouth.
What are the triggers, situations, problems?
-When I feel internal guilt, when I feel ashamed, when I feel anger against myself.
This maybe because I am angry with a situation outside of me, it is a way for me to express my anger towards someone in an acceptable way. Being angry with me is better than expressing it publicly or explicitly to someone. My boyfriend says or does something I don't like. I am angry and I neglect myself to punish myself because I am afraid to express my anger towards him.
This could be because one of my behaviors or thoughts makes me ashamed, or because I feel guilty for doing something or thinking something that one of my dissociative parts perceives as bad. Either way, it's a way of punishing me. I'm not worth anything. I should die, get sick, get oral cancer because that's all I deserve.
-To appease myself when I'm too sad, when I'm too scared, I put clay in my mouth. It calms me down, calms me down. Kind of like a magical thought. The impression of being finally relieved.
What am I doing, my reactions (behaviors)?
-my stomach is twisting. I am no longer hungry, I am nauseous. I don't want to eat anymore, eating becomes unbearable to me. I push my plate away, it disgusts me.
-I feel tired and I no longer have any strength. I have to fight against myself to force myself to cook for my daughters. When I'm alone, I don't struggle or eat.
-I swallow very quickly what I find in my fridge, just what I need to have enough energy to work. Without reheating or preparing anything. Just out of necessity.
-I don't touch my teeth for several weeks. I do not care. I only brush them if I know they will be visible.
- I put the clay in the oven. Usually in the evening. And I sleep like this. Quite frantic and compulsive.
What am I feeling (my emotions)?
-by putting clay, relief, appeasement, well-being.
- when I wake up, when I put the clay the day before, I feel shame, guilt and anger against myself. Also incomprehension.
-face to food, disgust, rejection. The shame of having this need to eat, this will to survive by forcing myself to feed myself. Sometimes I wish I could no longer obey them.
-when I have to prepare food for my daughters, anger because I feel obligated, linked to my role as a mother and sometimes I would like to be released from it, no longer having to play the role of the cook, to be free from all actions, all obligations ... And fatigue, I still have to fight against myself, to meet the needs of others. I feel discouraged and sad.
- hatred against me, the desire to punish me, to punish this mouth for what it experienced and did when I was a child.
What are my thoughts, what am I saying to myself at this time?
-I'm not going to die, maybe putting clay will save me, I'm taking care of myself doing this. As if a caring "mom" is there and comforts me, heals me and realizes that I am in pain. In fact, this reflex to put clay comes from the wife of the guru who after a particularly violent oral rape of her husband, put clay in my mouth, telling me that "clay heals everything, healed everything "(I hear his voice telling me this in my head). She took care of me then, like a "mother" when just before she held me while her husband raped me. After all the violence, she consoled me, took care of me ... The contrast is ... excruciating, painful ...
This moment is associated with two incomprehensible extremes. She and her husband were particularly violent, and she was gentle and loving. I feel grateful and dependent. I am scared and reassured. I am an object that we use and I am a little girl that we console and take care of.
-I'm still in the sect in which I grew up. I'm never going to get out of it. The food was "earthly", to be greedy was bad, the food should just be used to have the energy necessary to act and obey in the sect. Not eating, doing a fasting period is good for your health, and it is a way to purify yourself of your sins, mistakes or bad thoughts ... This is the perception that was instilled in me since my earliest childhood. Rich people who eat well are bad and selfish people. We must eat what God gives us without complaining, without complaining. You have to be grateful for having nothing or having little to eat. Complaining is a sin, it is the devil, the temptation that is expressed in us. So I don't have the right to think about myself, to look for good ingredients to cook to make me happy. To do it is to be selfish, bad. It is wrong and against the rules.
-I feel zero, I feel anger inside against myself, I am frustrated ... I left the sect for a very long time and yet, I am still their puppet under the influence. They always direct me as if a mini guru is still in me and still dictates my actions and the prohibitions to which I must obey ... And what am I cursing myself, feeling null and stupid !!! I read a lot about sectarian influence, manipulation ... No matter how much I understand the mechanisms, to be able to dissect them, to have a critical look at my past, I have like "automatisms", "reactions reflexes "which I cannot escape ... I am a piece of shit. I'm not worth anything.
-I come then to tell myself that I am a piece of shit, that I am worth nothing. I deserve to die. Even an adult, even knowing, understanding, I still cannot escape, to escape them. And dark thoughts invade me.
Comments