Big weekend of reflections ...
My psychiatrist at our last session asked me the question: "What do you need? What do you want?" ...
Big question !!!!
I spent the weekend thinking about it, confronting my different needs, my different expectations ...
Obviously, with dissociative identity disorder these questions are complicated !!!!
In terms of needs:
- a supportive entourage who helps me on a daily basis!
- feel myself seen, heard, understood, accepted, respected ...
In terms of expectations, hopes, projects, dreams:
There it gets tough !!!!
-some teenage dissociative parties want freedom, no constraints, travel.
- my intellectuals want time to read, learn, understand.
-my mothers want to work less in order to be more available and to give back privileged time to my daughters.
-my parties who are suffering want us to continue to relieve and help them.
In fact, I've been realizing what has been bothering me for some time.
I always need an entourage that allows me to no longer hide, hide my dissociative identity disorder. For several reasons. Because I need to be myself without hiding, it helps to heal the wounds of betrayal, negation of my dissociative parts, to be seen, to no longer be invisible does them a lot of good. Because I need help to develop my dissociative parts "stuck" in the past so that they can confront my present and evolve in their beliefs and their ways of reacting by having the possibility of expressing themselves in their proper names with my entourage.
And currently this is no longer the case.
My boyfriend since I started to file a complaint for the rapes that I have suffered has put on blinders and implicitly and explicitly refuses that I let my different dissociative parts interact with him. He pretends he doesn't know anything, sees nothing, hears nothing. When we got back together a while back, when he hired me, we laid the groundwork together. He took me as I was and with full knowledge, me and my dissociative identity disorder. And he was committed to being a help, a support in my "healing" of my traumas. He was of course not a psychologist for me but a companion who is informed and able to help me in my moments of anxiety attacks or terror to find safety ... There, it is too much for him . Managing his business, the covid, and my complaint process which seems to awaken fears in him ...
My entourage is very restricted in recent years. It took up a lot of space. Maybe too much on his shoulders ...
What is it that makes me feel unwell right now?
I moved back to his place almost full time. My complaints process aroused fears in me ...
The fear that one of my rapists will come back and hurt me, kill me. I have a hard time realizing that he is old now, that I will be able to defend myself. I can't see it that way. When I see him or imagine him, he is still that strong, threatening and all-powerful man.
The fear that being alone will lead to another suicide, the death of another loved one. The last time I rebelled, my brother committed suicide. It's my fault. If I hadn't fled, he would still be alive. Some parts are terrified that if I go back to my apartment, that I'm alone, my mom or my sister or my daughters are going to die because of me ... My mind takes shortcuts. I am aware of it and at the same time I am unable to control and master this fear ...
And beliefs that are deeply rooted in me such as, you must be under the protection of a man, a man to whom you belong must give you permission to speak if not you cannot, if you do not belong to anyone you do not exist, you will die ...
So I'm struggling in there now ...
What i need Not needs related to bad beliefs, but MY needs ... What are they?
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