I took a few days without writing because casually, this time of confinement was not that easy to manage ...
The hardest part, I think, was managing the feeling of abandonment that certain parties felt towards my shrink and the ban on continuing our sessions at her office ...
We had to manage the loneliness, learn to accept not seeing my shrink in real life, find a way to continue our sessions acceptable to all parties (Camera by Skype then just exchange of written messages), and learn to protect myself from the noise. media on Covid. Like everyone else I think, the contradictory messages about this disease have been the source of a lot of anguish for my parties and internal conflicts. I needed to lock myself in a small bubble and my sister gradually gave me the essential information to know (certificates, protections, date of deconfinement…).
So far, I've been back to my shrink's office once. That too was not easy. Parts that have felt abandoned resent her and distrust her, are angry. As if complicity and trust had cracked fire with this forced separation. I felt very foreign to her and her office, a bit like coming here for the first time, on my guard.
During the lockdown, new parties joined in the internal discussions and we had to learn to understand each other in a very particular context ... and finding our marks now is not so easy ...
What is the most complicated to feel and live is this internal gap in the progress of my different parts. Some have made good progress and want to test "difficult sharing" with my shrink in her presence to see what it feels like, if we die from it, if it hurts too much or if we survive ... and others are very angry, consider that she has abandoned us and is not trustworthy ...
Apart from these internal conflicts, I greatly appreciate this time of deconfinement!
We are in a beautiful moment of phase 1: living the here and now and sharing moments of peace and happiness on a daily basis.
I was able to go out for a walk in nature several times a day, my different parts shared the time of my days in an equitable way without internal conflicts on its distribution ... And I felt a lot of peace, gratitude and good to be inside!
I then feel whole and so good, so happy, so at peace!
Sharing is that too!
Go out for a walk by a lake, feel the wind on your skin, feel the heat and the caress it makes on your skin. Burst of laughter and joy because a small party has always loved the wind. Spread your arms and feel so free, like a bird… Watch the sun's rays on the lake and see the world with awe-inspiring eyes from one of my little parts… feel the peace and joy that it brings inside and all that. that it can bring as interior healing….
Then come across a sinner. And to have protective parts that come and start to think about strategy of flight or fight, hypervigilance, rise of anguish, discomfort… Dialogue internally. I am not in danger. The sinner is a young teenager. He can't hurt us. I am safe. Continue the walk and try to restore calm, find peace, invite you to come and see the frogs in the reeds ... Then suddenly turn around in immense terror and have an image that is superimposed in my field of vision: a dog black, a doberman arrives behind my back, the face threatening! Absolute terror of a few seconds. Then realize that it's just my shadow. I was afraid of my shadow! Anger and exasperation! Crying, anguish and terror, howling and screaming ...
Calm everyone down. To discuss inwardly, to explain, to procrastinate… Indulgence and encouragement… To put myself in the sun and to surround my body with my arms, to rock me… All is well, we are safe. It's the past, we're safe. Then go home.
A few hours later, suggest a walk outside again. Some internal protests but agreement of the parties.
Go out and walk somewhere else, admire the flowers, feel the heat of the sun on your face, laugh… Then arrive in a place full of tall grass. A small part happens. Anguish, terror, hypervigilance. You have to stomp your feet very hard on the ground, it keeps the snakes away! Scrutinizing the grass in search of them, wanting to scream and run away, feeling of imminent danger ...
Get out of the herbs and try to calm down. We are safe, there are no snakes, the snakes here are not dangerous, everything is fine. Inwardly imagine that we are cuddling and reassuring the little one who is afraid ... Come home, calm the anger and frustration, explain, delay, reassure ...
Work on the computer, do the papers and hear protests. We are fed up ! We are bored ! Ok, little ones want time for themselves. Ask them what they want: to see the movie Mowgli and Baloo. Search the internet and find cartoon music and put it on. And start singing the lyrics to "it takes a little to be happy" at the top of my lungs, dancing and laughing out loud… Feeling great joy, and feeling the gentle and benevolent gaze of more adult parties… Hear their fun too, I have not seen this film for 15 or 20 years… be amused to realize that the memory and the joy of having seen it have remained intact… Share the overflowing joy of the little one and thank her for this beautiful sharing! To feel your pride and the gratitude of others ... Finally these small parts can be useful, they have a freshness and a glance on the world which is good ... and to feel so whole, so good, so a ...
Sharing is that too! And what does that feel good!
We will get there, peace and there, happiness exists, joy too ...
How good it is not to suffer anymore, how good it is to understand each other, to get along and to share these moments!
It's a constant job, every minute a game can jump back into the past but it's good not to be alone, to support and understand each other ...
Have a nice and sweet day!
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