I haven't written for a while. I can not do it anymore.
This site was supposed to be positive. Show my way to "get better" or "get better".
But for over two months, a lot of things have made my situation worse.
I lost my shrink. I lost confidence in my shrink. And since a few weeks that I quit with her, I feel my situation deteriorating.
This site was supposed to be positive. Was meant to be a testament to victory.
So I don't write anymore. For fear of all this negative, this anger and this despair that comes over me.
Am I wrong? Am I right ? Are the reasons that prompted me to stop my follow-up, are they good or not? In fact who cares! The truth is, she sent signs that put some of my parts on alert. She sent signals that set my inner alarms on which made me distrust of her. And she didn't respond correctly for my reactivated parts to calm down. Wrong or right. It doesn't matter. The truth is, she didn't provide the answers, the security I needed to regain my composure and security.
Currently, I am fighting. A few days ago I had a big phase of doubt. I began to deny. I don't have a DID in fact it's all in my head. I invent. It's wrong. I started to do a lot of research. What are false memories in fact? Do I really have a DID? Maybe this is all just in my head.
It was easier to deny. And try to do it again as before and forget, put on amnesia so as not to suffer any more! I wanted at all costs to go back, to know nothing, to understand nothing. Above all, do not ask myself questions about the inconsistencies in my life, my ways of acting, my conditioned reflexes, these foreign thoughts in me, these incomprehensible flashes, these fragmented memories that appear from time to time, these unexplained pains ... I wanted to forget everything, not to feel anything ... Because it hurts too much!
But I am in pain !!! I am in so much pain !!!! How could I suffer so much and do this to myself? Can we inflict it on ourselves at this point and not realize it? Can we invent something at this point and still not know in a small corner of our head that it is wrong?
I wanted to refuse, to deny everything by blocking it. No one wants to hear me. No one wants to know.
Another event that happened at the same time unsettled me. I received a text from a childhood friend a few days ago. My best childhood friend. A text asking me for money. It hurt me to a point. This coldness. I've been trying for years to make something with her and her boyfriend, to make them understand. After years of silence and his coldness, they text me. Claiming loaned money from when I was in the trailer with my daughters. A good number of years ago ... Nothing. No how are you. Just if you're better you owe us money so pay us back. They had been my best friend and the best friend of my brother who committed suicide. They had been important in the life of my brother and me. They were important. That they know was important. That they support me was important.
I showed him what DID is. I showed him. I revealed myself, endangered in what I had most vulnerable, most fragile. I put myself in danger in front of him. I "showed" my dissociative parts to him. We let them show themselves to him so that he understood. And the answer he gave me was "I will give you a feedback as soon as I have it. time ". I waited a month and a half for his" return ". Who has never come. After a month and a half we told him that we were cutting him, that trying to make him understand made us feel bad. wrong and that we stopped. And in response, this text from my childhood friend. You owe us money "time does not count, only words count" ...
I lost everyone around me. There are only my boyfriend and my sister, a cousin (distant contact) and a friend by facebook. Nobody else. The others the only message sent is we do not want to know anything, shut up or pretend to be fine and above all do not talk about it. It hurts so badly.
I feel so betrayed! It's not like I'm raising every 5 minutes ... I leave time, space ... I'm not just talking about what I went through. I question, I question others, I listen, I make an effort ... I do not monopolize the conversation. I am attentive, listening. But I also want to talk about it. Because it's me, it's what I live. This is my story. It is important to me that it is not silent. But systematically there is refusal. And loss. I am losing people. This is what I learn from day to day. These are the experiences I am garnering. To speak means abandonment and loneliness. Point bar.
The conflict with my shrink snowballed. All my wounds are reopening. All my reflexes. I can't trust anyone. I don't have to trust anyone.
Everyone betrayed. Everybody lies. We must not believe anyone.
I showed myself. I trusted him to the point of my showing off. To show us and she betrayed that trust. Each of my parties dared to come and speak to him directly. We no longer hid. We did not make one or more parties "spokespersons" for the others. Each one came and showed herself. We were vulnerable. At his mercy. She lied. She fled. We shouldn't trust anyone. Just when we all wanted to testify and speak, my shrink retracted and fled. She handed over rules and showed that only she was in control and that we were not free or her equal. We no longer had any control over decisions. We suffered. We were again a victim. We would no longer control anything. We were in danger.
This is the very first time that I tell myself that looking for a shrink may not be the solution. This is the very first time that I tell myself that you shouldn't look for a shrink because no one can be someone you can trust. My shrink destroyed this. Before despite the fact that the shrinks I saw were incompetent, parts of me thought that somewhere there was someone who would be able to help me understand myself and get better. This betrayal made all of my parties lose that hope.
I had found her. I had found THE shrink who was helping me. And she betrayed me. And everything in me broke.
I'm wasting time again. I don't remember what I did during parts of my day.
I'm losing my skills again. At work, I am again unable to do certain tasks. Today, my boss had to yell at me for me to move around, whining like a madeleine to do the task he had asked me to do. I was in pain, vomiting on the ground, gasping, paralyzed, terrified and certain that I would die in the instant if I did what he asked of me.
Everything restart. My life of suffering begins again as before. Except that I know, I am aware of the why and what is happening in me.
But I have no control over it again. All the victories made in recent years seem to be fading away.
I am sad again, desperate. Lost. I don't know what to do anymore. How to get out of it. She broke everything.
I cry most of the day or hear it cry in my head.
I can't sleep anymore. As soon as the evening arrives I start to activate myself again as if my life depended on it. I'm afraid. Afraid of falling asleep and dying. Afraid of falling asleep and feeling like this is happening again. Afraid to fall asleep and feel this body climbing over me and not being able to do anything to prevent it.
And I have an incredible rage against her. She does not care. She goes on with her life and doesn't care. That's the difference between her and me. She made mistakes. She didn't say and do what would bring confidence back in me. She stopped everything. And I lost everything I had put in place for the past few years. For her nothing has changed. His job is not endangered, nor is his daily life.
Me it is my balance which is in danger. Depressive parts with dark thoughts. These tears that are there all day long. These howls of rage, anger, these insults, these cries that I hear in my head all the time. "Trust no one, she betrayed us, we are alone. There is no hope."
Is there someone competent? Is there someone who does not betray?
Is healing possible for me? Is there only hope?
I do not see him anymore. Currently I don't see him anymore.
Everything is broken.
I feel in danger. Again. All over. All the time.
And I am in pain. It is atrocious.
I can't take it anymore.
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