I have been very quiet these days as I needed to focus on my therapy and regain a sense of security.
I am currently being followed by a liberal psychiatrist and a psychiatrist in a psychotrauma center. I finally found appeasement and the impression that an appropriate "treatment" which helps me is possible.
I am fortunate to benefit from treatment with propranolol, which is the officially recommended treatment in my case, for complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I have been taking it daily for several months now and it makes a hell of a difference for me !!!
The cells have like locks on their surfaces which will open to receive the molecules of adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine ... propranolol is placed on these locks and prevents them from opening. This is why this treatment is recommended in the treatment of PTSD, the body, the brain no longer receives stress hormones and therefore is less in activation at the sympathetic level, there is therefore less activation in "danger mode" ", the emotions are less oversized ...
And that's what I see in my daily life !!!
I really feel different !!! I no longer have this feeling of the heart which makes a good in my chest, this cold sweat which invades me, these so strong emotions which carry me ... It's like all of a sudden my feelings, my emotions had finally found their rightful places in me ... That does not cut me off from them. Quite the contrary! They are there but remain manageable, bearable. I'm not sure how to explain it to you .... Before, I could be overcome with rage and anger or despair, but it was very painful and unbearable for me. Like a death warrant, an uncontrollable wave that invaded me and that I stopped very quickly by freezing myself or by experiencing very strong internal conflicts. I then heard voices, thoughts in my head like "anger is bad, anger is forbidden", I felt pain in my body .... Then under the effect of all this suffering, I ended up vomiting , lie down and sleep or run away forgetting the reason for this reaction, the amnesia set in ... if I don't know anything, I am not in pain ...
Now, I have much less need to use dissociation (it is a protection that was unconsciously put in place in me as well as my amnesias in my present). Switching between dissociative parts allowed me not to face, not to realize, not to accept in a certain way what I was experiencing or had experienced ...
As my emotions are less disproportionate, I finally accept them as legitimate and finally really allow myself the right to experience them. And what does it feel good !!!!!
What the fuck is it good to feel "me" no matter what you think or feel !!!!! For a few months that I experience this, I love my life !!! Yes Yes!!! I assure you !!!!!
It's good to say to yourself when you receive a private message from a malicious person:
Fuck the rot!
I am scared
She don't believe us, she say we lie
People are rotten
I don't care, she won't silence me!
Who do I know who can tell me how to protect myself?
Publish in public and block it
and act
then move on ....
Before, this kind of message would have made me scream and cry for weeks. His derogatory message would have made me distrust people even more, would have helped to silence me and curl up on myself ... and would have made me suffer a lot ... This is no longer the case.
Now all I feel is me. I no longer feel like a stranger to myself !!! I understand all my reactions. This person tries to intimidate me and scare me. She uses techniques of astonishment. The repetition of sentences and statements in complete contradiction to what she says next. She proceeds in secret, hoping that I will keep her "secret" and that in this way I will feel alone and isolated. Under benevolent turns of phrase she slips horrible words ... All of this, I am able to analyze it while before I would have perceived it but would have been grappling with internal struggles which would have prevented me from doing it. react appropriately ... My danger alarms would have gone on and overwhelmed me.
It is as if, my different dissociative parts are no longer cut off from each other. They communicate and help each other finally .... There is no longer a wall between them !!! I've had times in the past with cohesion and collaboration, but it had nothing to do with it. Before, when I got there, it was no longer a lot of discussions, and "analyzes" but after blows of my thoughts and feelings. Now it's live ... I don't feel like a stranger anymore.
How good is it !!!!
It's a phenomenal WIN for me !!!! A HUGE step forward !!!!!
It doesn't make it any easier or less painful! It does not take away the pain of what I have experienced, however, and it is not an easy path !!!
Because the "counterpart" is that I also have less amnesia from my present and my past. So I "know" every moment a good part of what has been done to me, I no longer "cut" myself from my present and I have to learn to face it in another way. The pain, the rage, the sadness are there. Permanently. Bearable. But there .... And I no longer need to protect myself from these feelings by dissociating myself and "switching" to a part that does not know, just to be able to "breathe" for a minute ... But it hurts . It soothes my dissociative parts, it relieves them, it helps them ... We carry our burden together now and we do not let go ... But the fact is there: I was hurt a lot! And it remains painful. And living in society, interacting with others is complicated and difficult and it requires effort, constant listening ...
We are also much less in internal conflict. More the same way anyway! Let's say that each of my parts is expressed. For some things, we find a solution quickly. For others, we are still looking for the solution ...
For example, currently, we would like to be put on half therapeutic time at work.
I have too much to deal with in my daily life at the moment. The famous "mental load" speaks to me a lot these days! I have to manage my daughters, their schooling, their daily difficulties ... I have to manage my boyfriend's house, shopping, cleaning, laundry ... Prepare meals, fold the laundry ... My boyfriend who is so my boss is hardly or not available to me these days. He works a lot and I find myself alone at work. When he comes home he is exhausted from an intensive and very physical day of work ... and therefore not available to listen to me ... My disability, my dissociative identity disorder and my complex post-traumatic stress disorder do not see each other. No one sees the battles I have to fight day by day. Nobody hears my dissociative parts crying because we go to work, nobody feels the same memories of atrocious rapes as soon as I start "doing the papers" at my desk ... Nobody is there with me to help me in my internal dialogue to reassure, console, help to look at the "present" to distinguish the difference between what I lived in the past and my present situation ... This fight, I must lead it to every minute that passes ... It's exhausting!
But suddenly, I am so in fights and urgent tasks to accomplish by necessity that I no longer have any time to sit down and simply listen to myself. I have the impression of being in a state of emergency all the time.
Urgently to make my dissociative parts understand that yes I have to go out shopping because there is nothing left in my fridge and my children have to eat. But suddenly I don't have time to sit down and tell myself, the parts that hate my mouth, those that refuse to eat, those that put clay in my mouth, what would you like to taste? Take the time to sit down with them and think, experiment ...
And all I manage to do is manage the panic that invades me in the store when I see the masked faces, quickly do the shopping, do not forget anything, what my boyfriend wants, what my daughters and girls like. Dry food for cats ... And in the end I didn't solve any of my problems ... And I feel washed, exhausted and exhausted!
I come home in the evening, I manage everything and then I go to bed. And another day went by without me being able to really listen to my parts and meet their needs ...
And that frustrates me !!!!
I have gained a lot in quality of life thanks to propranolol. I can't deny that! But not everything is easier ... Let's say that I manage myself better. I have fewer anxiety attacks, I am less invaded. On a personal level, I finally feel one and I feel a lot less strange, I really understand and accept myself in a much deeper way than before.
But right now I need to have some time for myself. Kinds of "rehabilitation sessions" ... A person with a broken leg, we will give him an X-ray, give him a cast, painkillers and then he will do rehabilitation. Likewise for me, I had a diagnosis, I am on therapy, I have propranolol and seroplex and now I need time to rehabilitate myself.
And that is hard for those around you to understand, even if they are helping and supporting!
I have initiated a step I cannot and do not want to go back and function again by cutting myself off from myself. I don't want to be separated anymore! I want to listen to my needs and my limits. I want to do what I need. I want to take care of my family AND take care of my dissociative parts that are suffering. I no longer want to pretend, deny, hide, forget ... And there my current environment does not allow me. I don't even have time to listen to what's going on inside me anymore.
How can I fight my phobia about food and my mouth when I come home exhausted from a whole day of fighting? And the WE? I suck too much. I sleep. I shop. And in the end I can't try anything else because I can't take it anymore. I can't try to go out for a walk because on Monday I know I will need energy to fight and get to do my job ...
I am dissociated. Severely dissociated. Integrating what I have experienced is not done in addition to a lot of other things. It takes time, energy ... And you have to give myself to me so that I can do it. I have my brain broken, my body broken. No one would be asked to walk with a broken leg. I have an invisible handicap. But there it is.
And I'm tired of carrying everything at arm's length. To always go after others. I want to give myself time, take care of myself. I have a lot of things changing inside of me and I can't do anything about it because I have too much to deal with outside of me. I have 3 full-time jobs: mom, my job, and my mental health care.
And that the entourage has a lot of difficulty to understand it! It's a long therapy for a person like me. It has been almost 5 years that I have access to effective and appropriate care with trained people. 5 years ... (I do not count the years lost with charlatans of psychoanalysts ...). And my boyfriend took me out last night "you should start weaning yourself, you are better now, it is time for you to move on" ... Yet he is a caring, loving, tender person. Who in my daily life for some time has been very helpful and supportive ... But after a while, it's too long ... And when we show that we are managing better, that we start to get better, it is as if my troubles had disappeared ... But NO !!!
However, he inquired, read, listened ... He knows the dissociation. He knows the TDI. He discusses with several of my dissociative parts, he recognizes some of them ... He has helped a lot my part which is afraid of papers. He spoke with her a lot. But despite that, he doesn't know in the end. He does not understand.
What the fuck does it hurt and it makes you feel lonely !!!!!
Sometimes seeing the world and people in black or white is easier. Some of my parts are wondering about leaving it. He does not understand anything and does not support us at the moment. Others say to themselves that he has strengths and weaknesses. We should give him some time. At the moment he is exhausted by his work and therefore not very open to understanding and exchanges. We are there. Wait. Try again.
And we are also afraid. We file a complaint. For some parts, my boyfriend is essential so that they feel safe and protected enough to accomplish this step ...
But what I also see is that in order to file a complaint, I have to feel safe, have a secure and supportive environment. If not, I don't have the conditions to do it and some parties might stop me if they feel I'm putting myself too much in danger. I might have amnesia again and not be able to say what was done to me. I could switch to my "confession" part and stupidly answer the inspectors that "I don't know anything, don't know anything" ... My environment is essential in this process! And I haven't decided what to do yet ...
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