I'm mad !
Angry with cowardice!
I'm fed up with the silence of people around me. Fed up with their silence. It weighs on me all the time. And that awakens in me anger, a lot of anger!
They are not mean. They don't think badly. They interact with me sporadically. Wonder how I'm doing, how my daughters are doing, if I like my job, what I'm going to do for the holidays ... They talk about everyday life, everyday life ... It's nice.
They are not mean. In the sect, some adults were not mean. They asked me how I was. If my studies were going well, if I had friends, what I was going to do on the next vacation, what studies I wanted to do ...
It was nice. They weren't mean ... The looks and the unspoken. That's what obsesses me right now. Silences, emptiness ...
They are afraid. They are not mean but they are afraid. Afraid to speak out, afraid to hear more from me ... Afraid to know, afraid to imagine ... Afraid to understand ...
Soon it's the holidays. A moment for family, for friends ... A moment when we say we love each other ... My family, she closed her eyes. She looked away. And even today, she does. When my brother died, committed suicide, no one contacted us to find out how we were doing. They sent us Christmas wishes or for my birthday. When I told them that my father had raped me, they didn't say anything and since then they haven't said anything. They send Christmas greetings and my birthday. When I told them about my TDI, some said I believe you and then since then they have not said anything. They send Christmas greetings and my birthday. It's better than nothing. They are nice, they don't think badly.
I understand why they are doing it. I understand that they are afraid of being dragged into a bottomless pit if they listen to me. I understand they are afraid of the dark. I understand that they are afraid of being dirty listening to what I have to say to them. I understand that they cling to the security of their daily life, their routine, to appear so. Because it's easier. To accept to listen to a victim is to accept to listen to his feelings and ours too, his emotions and our emotions.
I think that's what scares the most. Our feelings and emotions. Face it, become aware of it. I understand their point of view.
But I also understand that I have needs. And I decided to listen to them. I have decided to take ALL my needs into account. I need to be seen. I need to be heard. I need to be me. I need to no longer hide, no longer be silent, no longer hide. I need a real genuine connection around me. I want to be ONE. I no longer want to be dissociated, fragmented. I do everything to get there.
I am a survivor. I am strong. I deserve better. I deserve better than kindness. I deserve better than "How are you at work, and your daughters?" I deserve "forgiveness for not being here all these years". I deserve "forgiveness, I knew your father was violent and extreme, I should have protected you" I deserve "forgiveness for not asking questions, forgiveness for not saying anything, doing nothing". I deserve "forgiveness I saw in what environment you were raised, I was cowardly I preferred to close my eyes and not know anything" I deserve "you were a child, we should have protected you".
I deserve that when I dare to say the unspeakable, I am answered. I deserve that when I have the courage to say, to trust, people tell me I hear you and I see you. Say nothing, take weeks to respond or say 'I didn't have time but I will listen, I'll get back to you soon' and then say nothing ... all of this I don't deserve.
Do you know what it does to me when I finally dare to talk to you? Each time, I feel like throwing up or I throw up in terror. I feel hands strangling me, I feel the blows on my back. I smell the rapes. I feel all the times my rapists told me to shut up, the threats they made to me, the knife ... I relive in my flesh every moment ... When you stay in the silence, do you know how I feel? I am overcome by terror. Are they going to betray me and tell them? Am i going to die? Will they silence me once again? What I felt comes back. Fear of dying, internal conflicts ... Was I right to trust you? Am I going to be punished? We must not talk! Talking is forbidden! If we talk we will die! If we talk we will suffer! I try as best I can to reassure myself. Those to whom I spoke are not or no longer in contact. Everything is fine, I'm safe. Then the anguish, the terror returns. Immense.
I leave you time, space. I know that if I come back to you too soon, you will flee. They are all fleeing.
I wait. I wait. One week, two weeks. A month. A year. Then, either me or you, we text each other. "How are you? What about your daughters? What about your job? What are you doing next vacation? It would be nice to see you again!" It's nice. It's not mean. You take news.
But FUCKING BORDEL OF SHIT !!!!!!!!!! You have a heart in your chest ??????? Since WHEN is it to be a good person when you are a coward and a selfish person?
I fight ! I have the fucking balls to accept to face my past! It's not a piece of fun! It's not just memories like you remember when you were on vacation when you were little!
I have a FUCKING DID. I relive everything in its entirety. ALL. I know this is very hard for you to figure out and design. And what I wish you could come to my head to feel for yourself !!!
This is torture !!!! A daily torture that I cannot escape. I am strong, incredibly strong. Many would have killed themselves in my place. Many would have given up in my place. I deserve better ! I deserve more! I will no longer be satisfied with your crumbs.
Are you cowards? It's your choice ! I am not like you. And I deserve people who see me for who I am. I will find courageous people. I have already found some. I will find others. I deserve people around me who are not silent, I deserve people who are not afraid of what I have to say to them. I deserve people who are not afraid to hear me. I deserve people who agree to talk to us, understand us. I deserve people who make the effort to put themselves in danger when I put myself in danger by talking to them. I'm mad.
And this anger is legitimate. I have the right to feel it.
No, it's not normal for people to pretend they haven't heard anything. No, it is not normal that they are silent and flee. No friendship, love is not that! I don't want you. I don't want your crumbs. And if that means severing ties, well, no problem! I cut ! Is that a "link" for you? The appearance ? The comedy ? Is this the world you want? A world where we don't see anyone, we don't hear anyone? A world where you are alone, constantly? I want a world where we look each other in the eye, a world where we can tell each other without fear what we feel inside. A world where you can be yourself without fear of losing the other, without judgment. A world where we are simply there. A world where we are not afraid to speak and hear. A world where we support each other.