For more than 3 years, with the help of my shrink, I have been trying to make my dissociative parts understand the interest of sharing moments of happiness and joy in my daily life.
I had to struggle a lot to get outside and take a walk in nature. I had dissociative parts which as soon as I left, reactivated and plunged me back into traumas that I experienced in the past. I would go out into the forest and automatically relive the rapes suffered in my early teens by a priest in a forest. I was constantly struggling inside. I wanted to go out in nature, I liked it and it made me feel good but at the same time, every time I did it, I was in pain, I was in pain ...
I also had very young dissociative parts who were afraid to go into nature and went out very regularly believing me to be in danger and reactivating themselves. They saw dangerous snakes in all the tall grass, threatening dogs chasing me, shadows, men hidden behind trees who were going to grab me and rape me ... I was outside, I was working and suddenly I was overcome by the terror of being attacked, bitten, paralyzed, powerless to prevent ...
Going out was impossible for me because it is synonymous with very intense physical and emotional suffering.
Some of my dissociative parts also struggled a lot with "taking care of myself." They had integrated over the years the rules and prohibitions of my father and the sect. Take care of yourself, listen to your needs and desires, listen to your body when it says "I'm tired, I need rest ...". It was all very difficult for me!
I felt a lot of guilt doing it, inner anger, I heard murderous and guilty sentences looping in my head (sentences and injunctions of my rapists in the past). Very simple and harmless things like taking a bath, taking a nap, watching TV, reading a book, sitting down and doing nothing ... All of this was very complicated for me to do and a source of discomfort and distressing feelings .
Go shopping, buy things that I was going to own afterwards, have nice clothes ... Buy furniture so that my apartment is cozy and that I feel good there ... All this was a source of conflict, of guilt and reset my mechanisms instilled by my torturers of self-censorship. Having something of my own is forbidden, owning things for my own well-being is wrong, God was going to punish me, I am selfish and bad ...
In the same way, I imposed on myself an exemplary behavior in keeping my house clean, in my behavior and the image that I gave externally as a mother, as a woman ... I had to show only an image of perfect woman, always smiling, happy, cheerful, available ... I was unable to say no, I am tired. My house had to be always clean, tidy. Preparing perfect, balanced meals when entertaining friends ... I was like a bent bow, exhausted but unable to show my flaws and weaknesses.
At work, in all the positions I have held, I imposed the same rigor on myself. If an employer was kind enough to hire me, I was indebted to them for life and gave it my all and couldn't put limits on my involvement in the company. I couldn't separate my work and personal life. I had grown up with the omnipresent example in the sect where the limits between family life and community life did not exist. When we joined the sect, it was forever and all the time.
When my parts don't agree when I do something, inside it's unbearable! I hear parts crying in my head, constantly, I hear screams, screams. I feel in waves the emotional feelings of my dissociative parts: fears, guilt, anxieties of the dead, distress, disgust of me, rage, anger, despair ... my body is then plunged into an intense emotional chaos. My heart starts to beat, my stomach hurts, I feel very tired, I want to hurt myself to punish myself, I curl up on the floor on myself, I want to vomit , to cry, to scream ...
Now I'm really starting to listen to myself inside.
It's quite funny!
The weekend for a few months, I no longer have to fight to encourage my parties to go out in nature, bathe, take a walk ... This summer was the very first summer where I really enjoyed my vacation and felt real and full moments of happiness.
My "small" dissociative parts have understood the interest of living this kind of moment. And now I no longer have to explain internally the need to work during the week and the fact that I cannot spend all my days outside by a river enjoying the sun ...
going to work, I can hear them bitching in my head. They tell me that outside does them good, they finally feel what it is to live without being constantly in suffering and pain and are therefore angry that I impose on them tasks that they consider boring or tedious and blame me for the fact to keep them in suffering while a solution exists for their well-being.
One of my shrinks told me a phrase that I keep in me: "Be gentle with yourself". This sentence, for weeks, months, I repeated it over and over in my head. Now my parts have integrated it.
When I am tired, I sleep. When I want to make sure that I feel safe and secure at home, I listen to my parts and I decide with her what will allow me to be. At work, I informed my boss about my TDI and with his agreement, I decide my schedule. Sometimes a lot of work helps me feel good and keep me in the here-and-now reality. Sometimes, I am unable to stay focused on the present because very invaded by the sharing of my traumas and it helps me by putting me to physical tasks (where I spend myself physically) where I start working outside. At other times, it allows me to go home and rest and gives me the freedom to make my appointments with my shrink as I wish ...
I rely a lot more on my family to help me in my daily life with my daughters.
I pay much less attention to the judgment of others and their opinion.
What allowed this is that my dissociative parts accepted the fact that I am dissociated and that inside I do not have a single desire, a single need. I don't struggle more or much less when I want to do something and I have blockages. I finally understood that if this blocks internally, it is for a good reason and that this blocking can only stop when I have listened. Then we can decide what is good for us.
All my parts are connected. As long as one of them suffers and still believes herself in danger of death or on the verge of suffering, of being punished, all the others feel it and are affected by it. To be happy, in peace, to feel good, to feel safe ... is a long learning process which involves understanding the lies instilled by the executioners, differentiating the past from the present and experiencing other experiences, positive experiences in everyday life. , benevolent ...
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