I see my shrink tonight. Fortunately! I can not wait ! I can't take it anymore! I need her to help me !!!!
I can't work, I can't do anything ... As soon as I go to work, I am overcome by terror. I just want to curl up on the floor, suck my thumb and cry and moan ...
I am no longer able to work, I no longer know how to work ... I have lost my skills. Simple things, which would only take me a short time, become insurmountable. I am terrified at the idea of ​​doing them, paralyzed, cut off from all forces and energy. I just want to sleep, not to move and cry.
As soon as I get down to this task that I have to do at work, my body sends me just one and only one message: I am in danger, I am going to die. If I perform this task I will die, something bad will happen to me.
However, I am not only these anguished and small parts lost in time, I am also the adult me. The one who takes charge of her job, the one who knows she has bills to pay, the one who has two children, those who have done training and graduated to take on the job she does today. This knowledge, this diploma has been recognized, this knowledge and this skill must be found somewhere? ... I AM also competent, sure of myself.
Why can't I? Why do I feel this terror and anguish? Why am I prevented, paralyzed?
I am tired.
I'm mad.
I feel like nothing, less than nothing, crazy, incompetent.
Lock me up! I can not stand it anymore ! I want to die. I can't take all this pain anymore. I can't stand feeling these things anymore. I can't stand it any longer. I'm tired of not recognizing myself. I can't take it anymore for all these people, all these different feelings.
My body is like in this photo, my life is like this photo. I burn, I break up, I don't exist. My life is just a mist, my body has no existence. I don't know who I am. I am a mirage. I want to disappear.
Who am I ?