I haven't written about my daily life for some time now ...
My parties and I have been able to put ourselves in a bubble of security in recent weeks and focus on the essentials: assume and manage my daily life from the here and now and do everything so that I can continue to work without myself. collapse.
With my psy, we took the time to "deal" with the conflicts generated by the re-containment, restore security, listen to my angry or frightened parts ...
We put the discussions around my traumatic memories and explanations of the lies of my rapists and the "false beliefs" that some of my parts still have about them on "standby" and we just resumed those discussions.
I had the hope a few weeks ago to be able to let my parts express themselves in certain circumstances in my daily life. For a very long time, I control what I say and show to others. Someone who doesn't know my story or who I don't have complete confidence in will never see that I have DID. I have always managed to hide it and camouflage it. But it turns out that ultimately what my parties hoped for is not achievable ... At work, for example, I can't work and be a little girl who cries and is afraid, be angry and moan, be paralyzed and professional ...
Throughout the month of November, with this reconfinement, my boss had to face difficulties and needed me as an adult, self-confident, efficient ... So it's been a month since I have been in control at work to camouflage what I am experiencing inside. It's really, really exhausting for me! I hoped I could let my little parts come when they were anxious so they could talk to my boss and help me reassure them and show them my adult abilities, so that they could confront their mistaken beliefs about things. papers and the dangers that this represents in my present. Some of my little parts believe that "doing the papers" will kill us, put my boss in jail, or make me suffer and be tortured. I hoped to be able to explain this to him and that he would become a "helper" in my daily life to modify my beliefs and soothe my anxiety attacks. The re-containment has undermined this project.
I then had either the choice to stop working and plunge into the chaos of my internal conflicts or to accept that this project was not feasible in my daily life as an adult woman and to continue to work and find other solutions so that my small parts calm down and change their view of the world and their beliefs.
It is a real shame because I am convinced that if people like me had the possibility of having an entourage (friends, family, boss, health professionals ...) who understand our functioning and know how to listen to us and talk to our dissociative parts, we could "heal" much faster! What keeps our dissociation and our partitioning going is the phobia of dissociative parts and traumatic memories, the fear of suffering ... But to be able to no longer be afraid of it, we must learn to share our daily life, live things together and either coming to the "foreground", "taking control of the body" each in turn without keeping in mind what each dissociative part has lived or lives in the present. We have to get to know each other, understand each other, compare our points of view, our beliefs, our objectives in our daily life and accept to analyze the role of each of my dissociative parts in my life.
I have to see what is useful to me and what is not useful in terms of way of acting and opinion in my present. Now I am an adult, a mother, I have a job, an apartment. I am no longer a little girl raped on a daily basis, constantly in danger of death and torture, prisoner of a sect. Some of my parts are useful to me in my adult life, others still have backup objectives and survival mechanisms that are no longer suited to my adult life.
In an ideal world, I would like to be recognized as disabled. It would make my injuries visible. It would be official recognition of all that I have been through and allow me to let go of this incessant and exhausting control that I have always had to do to "appear normal".
You cannot imagine how hard it is on a daily basis to have these blackouts, these anxiety attacks, to hear this internal hubbub of crying and screaming ... The problem is that people tend then to "lock up" the mentally ill in stereotypical beliefs, to put people in "boxes" ... I am a little lost, I am cold anger, I am immense fear, I am paralyzed and submissive but I am also very intelligent, able to understand concepts very quickly, to be passionate about many subjects at the same time, very effective in terms of workload ... I am both.
And people in general have a hard time understanding this! My boss is very understanding, trusts me and understands these dualities in me without reducing me to my fears and weaknesses. He sees my qualities and my strengths in me and has agreed to trust me and give me important tasks in his company. But that does not prevent him from having performance and quality of work obligations that I must fulfill in order to be profitable in maintaining my position with respect to him ...
So, for a month, no time sharing at work contrary to what my parties and I had hoped. Only my adult parts come when I'm at work. I work a lot of hours and at night I'm too exhausted to really take time for my other parts.
So I only have the weekend to let go of my control and let them express themselves. My weekends for 1 month have been quite complicated! On Saturdays, I am invaded by many conflicts, my parties express their dissatisfaction and evacuate their excess. Then on Sunday, gradually, I regain my footing, I take care of shopping, cleaning ... I begin to psychologically prepare my games for the week to come. And Monday comes and my adult parts resume their role ... I am really exhausted by this operation! It's very very frustrating for me!
I feel a lot of anger because once again it's up to me to adapt, up to me to be content with the little support that they agree to leave me. Crumbs, scraps ... Once again I am asked to "play a role", to silence my thoughts and feelings ... Once again I am asked to deny who I am, my story, my personality ... Again I am asked to smile and pretend ... And I have my slap !!!! I have the right to be "me", all my "me" two hours a week, in sessions with my psy. A few minutes by text with my sister or a few minutes on the phone with her ... The rest of the time, I have to manage, control, hide ... Yet it is not for lack of trying to find other allies! I tried to share, to explain to those around me but they remain silent and absent ... I'm sick of the injunctions of this company to shut up, to make me invisible !! I'm sick of the looks away, footsteps that move away, silences ...
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