It is Sunday evening and I am only emerging.
Where did my Saturday go, what am I doing today? I don't really know.
I feel exhausted, my head hurts, my eyes hurt.
I was robbed of my weekend. Even today, despite the dialogue that has developed between my parties, hours, days have been stolen from me. I am sad, angry, exhausted.
My mouth is mushy, as if I had swallowed an ashtray. They must have smoked like firefighters ... Big dark circles under their eyes, sleep must have passed over them ...
Have I eaten? I have a vague memory of toast with cheese and a background of fruit juice.
What did I do ?
Flashes come to me like a distant dream that blurs. I think I stayed on my bed for two days. The state of my room attests to it ... What littered the floor gives me clues as to what I was able to do.
Nice! In addition, it is I who will have to tidy up and clean everything!
I did not go outside ! The weather was super nice though! I wanted to find a beautiful place and bathe, a place full of peace where I could lay down and read in the shade while admiring the rays of the sun shimmering in the water ...
All of this they stole from me!
I just looked at my facebook account, they posted things, deleted friends, removed subscriptions ...
A few weeks ago, one of them did the same. She had deleted friends and subscribed to plenty of vegan and vegetarian cooking groups.
I found the "interposed message" quite funny!
Yes it's true I eat badly! Yes it is true I am not logical in my thought. I love animals, I am horrified by the tortures they suffer and the mistreatment that man inflicts on them. I was like, ok, you tell me what you want, I'm going to watch and test some things.
It is not easy to get everyone to agree on this point of view!
Some "identify" with the suffering of animals, think that as I have suffered, they also suffer and therefore that if I rebel and I cry out after the indifference of the population to my suffering, I reproduce the same pattern of indifference by closing my eyes to the way I eat and the animal suffering it generates.
Others have understood that eating only vegetables and grains is eating like we ate in the sect. And we're no longer in the sect, so SHIT I'm not a fucking bunny! I don't want to go back to the sect, I am free now and my freedom goes through this ham, this sausage, this cheese that I buy and devour like a drug. Eating animal protein makes me feel good, I'm fine, I'm safe eating it. If I eat more I am again in the sect where we were deprived and restricted.
And so, tonight, I find out that these subscriptions have been deleted. The anti carrot gang have struck!
It tires me !
It's less scary than it used to be. Before that happened to me often of course and I did not understand anything. It worried me, terrified me. Now I know. One or more parties have taken time for them.
I am obviously angry. But I also manage to put things into perspective. If they did it maybe because I didn't give them enough time for her, so they "stole" it ... Or maybe they tried to talk to me and didn't are not felt enough listened to? Or maybe I did something that worried them and they needed reassurance ...
I have my little idea but I'm not sure. I would talk about it with my shrink, but maybe they are worried because we made an important decision (my shrink and I) and maybe they needed to "take time" for themselves, see that they still have control over things, making sure they are always heard and taken into account ...
I am frustrated but I understand why they are doing this. This decision that we have taken is a big step forward, a huge and very good step forward!
I write this blog for the people who read me but also for me, all of my "me".
This blog and this site are a way for each of my parts to learn, to engage in dialogue, to explain ... I reread myself a lot. When I write an article, many of my parts go back to that writing once it is published and take turns reading it for information.
So I would like to say to those parties that have lived this weekend, that I love them, that this decision that we have made is going to be fine. We are no longer in danger. What we are going to do will not put us in danger. I hear you. And I'm ready to listen to you whenever you want.
I love you ! You are me. You are a part of me that I need. I want us to share more things when you feel ready.
And I can't wait to see my shrink to talk to her about it and see if these "time-stealing" parts agree to dialogue ... The rest of the next episode!