I cannot find a balance in my daily life. I feel in danger. In permanent danger.
Not only do certain things reactivate my traumatic memories and take me back to the traumas I experienced in my childhood in the sect in which I grew up. But besides the "real" things in my present reactivate me for good reasons. By that I mean what I perceive as dangerous in my present, which is really.
To get better in my present, I have to learn, that my dissociative parts learn to differentiate past and present. Whether they learn all of their predictions, their thinking may be different in the present.
For example, that a bond of friendship can last. That surrender, showing vulnerability, creating bonds of affection ... will not systematically end in betrayal, injury, abandonment ...
Or that in my present, people will not inevitably seek to manipulate me, use my loopholes and weaknesses, enlist me in a sect, control my mind ...
I find that currently, in the French healthcare system, there are enormous abuses. Everything puts me on alert and that does not help me to regain stability, to recreate a therapeutic link with the psychiatrist who is currently me, to accept to regain confidence ...
I find the covid crisis has exacerbated this. I have the impression of only seeing drifts. Sectarian drifts, dangerous drifts that use people's fear, their wounds, their flaws and this does not encourage me to find and renew a healthy therapeutic link that would allow me to find an internal balance and in my daily life .
This exacerbates my anger, my rage against these people who are supposed to help others and make care orientation choices that seem serious and dangerous to me!
This exacerbates my despair and my pessimistic view of the world because I cannot find a therapeutic treatment that suits me and allows me to hope in the future, in my well-being.
It exacerbates my internal conflicts between my dissociative parts struggling to know what to do.
There are internal struggles between those who want to find this agreement and this collaboration that we had managed to put in place and those who refuse to do so again because it is following this agreement that we found ourselves in this situation. so difficult and confrontational now.
There is internal hatred against my control parts and all those who have accepted and pushed all my dissociative parts to show themselves, to trust. Currently, we no longer collaborate, we no longer dialogue. We blame each other for putting ourselves in this situation of vulnerability, of weakness that put us in danger.
We feel ashamed, guilty for having had this need for connection. Without a bond, we would not suffer autan, we would not be so vulnerable and upset now.
Parties are trying to get us away from all ties with people. I have moments in my daily life when I no longer feel anything for the people around me. I am cold, indifferent. I try to keep people away from me. And I think that this way I will no longer suffer. Without emotional dependence, no one can hurt us, no one can betray us, no one can reach us.
I also still have a lot of times when I am very desperate. I see no hope, no escape, no future for me. And suicidal thoughts go through me. It persists despite the antidepressants I take. I can't trust the healthcare system anymore, so I don't see how I'm going to be able to "heal". And the conflicts that pervade me are exhausting and very, very painful on a daily basis. I don't see how to escape this physical and moral suffering that I feel every day and every night non-stop. Some parties would like to end it. No longer to suffer, no longer to feel. There is no solution. No hope. No escape.
To counter these thoughts of death, other parties see flight as an alternative solution. They tell themselves that if we run away, if we give up everything and go very far, we will be able to find a balance and calm. I read a lot about building a "tinyhouse" (a tiny house you can tow your car in) and some of my parts want us to do that. We would then be free, free to go anywhere, anytime. And we would stay safe, we wouldn't be homeless, we would have a home anyway. We would be safe no matter what, wherever we were.
But I have two daughters and I am on alternate custody with their dad. So I can't leave, run away ...
Internally, I have big conflicts about this. Certain parts which want to detach themselves from my daughters, consider them as "balls" and seek that I no longer have anything that binds me, hinders me and that their escape solution is put into action. And parts that refuse this and try to explain and make it clear that this is not possible, that my daughters need me. Parts that mourn and suffer and resent those that refute the maternal bond, the obligations I have as a parent, and the love I feel for my daughters. I am constantly invaded by contradictory feelings and it is exhausting !!
Understand me well! I adore my daughters and I have always done everything to protect them, bring them safety, love and well-being! They have always been my priority and still are! But that doesn't prevent me from being invaded internally by these contradictory thoughts and these battles. Like any parent, I imagine ... We love our children, we would do anything for them, but sometimes they annoy us, they exhaust us and we are crossed by ambivalent thoughts about them. We would like to be able to have more free time, worry less about them, have time to take care of ourselves ... Feeling that does not make us "bad parents" but just normal people ... Being a parent, it's difficult, trying, wonderful, magical, exhausting ... For me, it's the same. Except that these feelings are exacerbated, split. I don't experience exhaustion and at the same time gratitude and love. Everything is dissociated with me. I have dissociative parts which do not consider themselves mother! At times, I have no memory of motherhood. How could I be a mother since at that moment I think I am 3 or 8 years old ...? A child cannot be a mother! And I refute, I refuse this responsibility. Sometimes I am a teenager, a selfish teenager who "has nothing to beat" and who considers that my daughters only have to make do. I did a pretty good job of surviving myself so why couldn't they? And I feel angry, I blame my daughters because they prevent me from being free, from running away, from killing myself ... I consider them responsible.
I am explaining all this to you not so that you will judge and condemn me. I consider myself a "good mother". I do everything so that my daughters do not know, do not feel these ambivalent thoughts and urges that I feel. I have always controlled my inner world and I only let it "express itself" to the "outside" when possible and it will not endanger me or harm my loved ones. I am explaining this to you so that you better understand how trying it is to have dissociative identity disorder. How split, exacerbated and painful what we feel is. How there can be "internal wars" that eat up my daily life! I feel love then immediately after anger then after sadness, then shame then anger ... It's constant. I am like a weather vane. I don't know who I am, what I'm feeling ... It's exhausting and very painful and scary, unsettling!
I have to find a balance. A balance, a feeling of security in my daily life. I am aware of it.
But what to do when all around you can only see a threat?
I have always had games that like bulldozers no matter what setbacks were convinced that we would find the therapeutic help we needed. Now that belief, that conviction has been shaken.
How to do when the care system is mainly psychoanalytic oriented? How to do when certain professionals who know and recognize the consequences of traumas offer care which largely drifts towards sectarian drifts or in any case what I perceive as such? How to do when the practitioners of cognitive behavioral therapies mainly think that the thesis of "false memories" is the only explanation for DID?
What solution do I have? What hope do I have?
I don't have two dissociative parts. I have plenty of them. Really full.
And I can no longer make them listen to each other. I can no longer calm down. There is no longer any voting, meeting, consultation or joint decision-making.
We are at war. At war for our survival.
And we do not agree on what will allow us to do this.
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