18/02/2020

Night less agitated. 3 glasses of wine made it possible to stop the round of thoughts, contradictory desires, injunctions, tears and howls ...

Wake up 5:30 am. A little better than usual ...

Like every morning a lot of parties tell me that they don't want to go to work. Crying, one who sings the song "work is too hard" by Bob Marley.

A weight that crushes me, I am without strength ....

It's like this every morning ... on the drive to work ... Crying, sometimes tears running down my cheeks as I drive ... until I cross the doors of the workshop where I work.

Then I face each encounter, each event ... until noon. I eat more or less quiet for 30 minutes then the procession of complaints and whining resumes. Soon the time to go back to work ... again the tears, the discomfort, the cries, the anger, the crushing. ...

Face it again ...

Until the end of work ....

Yesterday evening, in order not to be overwhelmed by the struggle of the parties who want to write the articles for this site, I had to flee from my home and go to my boyfriend.

My whole life, every minute is like this ... run away. Always flee to be able to gain a few minutes of calm without inner voices, without cries, without tears, without anger, without ill-being, without suffering ....

Living is that for me ... to be in constant search of what will allow me to have inner silence and not to feel anything inside my body, no pain, no anxiety, no despair, no terrors ...

8 am to 10 am order preparation. 2 hours of happiness, calm, concentration. 2 hours or finally I am one and only one, I am not a bitch who whines nor a teenager who sulks. I feel nothing. Pure happiness. The order, its description of the tasks to be accomplished ... turn in my head in a mantra. The numbers .... nothing else!

A little normal, I feel so good! I wish so much that everything was always like this!

I feel strong I control everything. I am an adult. I am well!

I also know that the price for this calm will soon pay off.

As soon as I sit down with the others doing my repetitive task, the chaos will take over a thousand strength. All will come out and express their dissatisfaction at having been relegated for 2 hours behind ...

My life is a minefield. The slightest glance, noise, word ... makes my mind explode in me and overwhelms me with overpowered feelings.

My boss sighs and groans. .. worry wins me anguish. .. am I doing something wrong? How can I get him to calm down? Fear. Guilt.

Do I meet a person? A gesture, a look, a word…. Everything explodes anger fear terror anguish. ...

I control and I control nothing.

A worker talking to me?

I will observe where I can flee I will examine his facial expressions and movements and seek to detect his implicit message. All of my parts will react and think. .. who will be in front of which party to save and protect us?

The cost of all of this is physically exhausting for me. I'm exhausted. My body is in constant overdose.

Sometimes I would love to take you into my body so that you can see and feel what I am experiencing every moment.

The debate of whether or not TDI exists if we are simulating. .. it makes me scream so much! It makes me so angry! !!!

If only a researcher put a sensor of my heartbeat, headphones on my brain. .. Receivers that can capture what is happening at the level of my emotions of my pain ....

I am sure they would see how our hearts are constantly racing. He would see sweat when I'm scared. He would see everything that's going on in neural imaging. I feel it. I am suffering. All the time....

And it is an injustice that we are not heard protected. ....

And those who do not believe or doubt ... It would just be enough for you to listen to us with kindness 1 week, 1 month ... our speech is built. We are not in the fabrication. We do not simulate. You just have to agree to listen and watch ...