I made the decision a few days ago to temporarily close my access to my facebook account.
I do this for several reasons. On the one hand, to no longer read and see threads evoking current events (health pass, conflicts over the vaccine against covid ...) because this exacerbates my own internal conflicts. I am vaccinated. But inside I have parts that think differently and are afraid of this vaccine and adhere to certain anti-vaccine beliefs. Some of my dissociative parts have a way of thinking that is still very much influenced by the sect in which I grew up. All my childhood, I often heard cult members say that vaccines were dangerous, some members did not vaccinate their children and found complacent doctors or homeopaths agreeing to make false certificates. They said that vaccines could bring serious diseases such as multiple sclerosis, autism ... So I learned very early on to be wary of them. Making the decision to get vaccinated was quite difficult and internally conflicting. Some parties internally blame the fact that I was vaccinated and are afraid that I will die. In addition, the catastrophic vision, the arguments and predictions relayed by these circles make me feel in permanent danger. That they say that the state seeks to control us, sterilize us ... All this puts on alert my depressive and pessimistic parts. I feel in danger and I spend my days switching from one dissociative part to another. I am obsessed with flight, the need to find a solution that will save me from the omnipresent danger. I can no longer feel safe and am in constant conflict over where I need to go to be safe, what to do and what my priorities are ... My job becomes secondary and some of my dissociative parts refuse that I work because for them the priority is not to work but to find a solution to survive this "end of the world" which is coming. They are reactivated at my work, I am invaded by enormous anxiety attacks, I have "absences", I have multiple surges of adrenaline in my days when I no longer know if I have done or not my job. I can't remember which tasks my boss requested was done or not. I am invaded by attacks of tetanies, big attacks of trembling, uncontrollable crying ... I have to write down everything I do and check it, reread it several times a day or a week. It is very frightening and unsettling. It wears me out and I feel a lot of internal anger and blame. Why do these dissociative parts torture me like this? I can't take any more of these amnesias and these terrors that punctuate my daily life and make me lose my skills at work. With my boyfriend, it's the same. My dissociative parts and I disagree. Some want us to move in with him. He will protect us, he is strong, he is very intelligent and resourceful. With him, whatever happens, I will survive. I have a lot of parts that still work a lot in "depend on a man" mode, for them, living alone and taking responsibility for myself is unthinkable and would be like dying. My apartment has become unbearable to me. I have a hard time staying there. It is social housing and I can no longer stand the noises of my neighbors, the cries, the crying of the children ... I constantly reactivate by hearing them, parts believing to hear children crying and reactivating my memories of rape and torture, my own tears and calls for help ... I have the impression that this apartment is identical to the sect, the promiscuity, the world ... for some of my parts, this place is equivalent to my places of life during my childhood and it is unbearable. When I am there, I feel anguish, I hear parts screaming in my head the urgency to flee and get to safety. I feel very bad, I have a stomach ache, want to vomit, to scream, to cry ... I am paralyzed, I want to curl up on the ground and cry, sleep, no longer move, no more breathe, let it all stop ... This world is far too scary, dangerous, I'm not strong enough, I'm going to die, I want to die ... I can't take it anymore. I have to find a solution! Settling in with my boyfriend would allow this suffering that I feel in my apartment to stop. Maybe I should do? Some parties agree. They love my boyfriend deeply. He is wonderful, caring, gentle. He knows about my DID, he accepts it, he sometimes helps me manage my anxiety attacks. He accepts my needs, my contradictions, my inner conflicts. He knows. They are able to interact with some of my parts and reassure them. He knows. Then other parts scream in my head. No ! You must not depend on anyone, to depend on people is to be in danger! And they make me feel bad again, paralyzed, anxious about him ... For some of my dissociative parts, my intimate relationship with my boyfriend is very difficult. In intimate moments, they are often reactivated for a few minutes and in those moments, past rapes are superimposed in my present and it is torture. These parts would like never to be touched again, never to feel anything again. When I am at my boyfriend's house, they are opposed. I have to go, depending on him is too dangerous. You shouldn't trust anyone. No one is reliable, everyone gives up. They want to leave, live far from everyone and no longer be in contact with anyone, no longer feel emotions, no longer have emotional and relational needs because for them it is synonymous with suffering, torture, rape, death. . Then anger and rage invade me. They won't win! We will get there ! Thoughts fuse in my head. All of our goals. I have to keep working! We can find a solution, a compromise to all these contradictory desires! It must ! And I try to give a little of what everyone wants. I'm keeping my apartment for the moment, with my boyfriend we are arranging his home properly so that I have a space for my daughters and me, that we feel at home. But I also feel a lot of sadness and despair! Will I ever be able to feel good and fully secure somewhere? Could I one day live my life without being invaded by conflicts, anxieties, flight emergencies with the certainty that if I do not respond immediately I will die? Would I be free from my past one day? Sometimes the desperation is very strong. It is all so exhausting! I can not stand it anymore ! I can't take any more of these anxiety attacks, this suffering that overwhelms me and this feeling, this certainty that I'm going to die, right there in the moment. I can't take amnesia anymore, no longer knowing what I did or said in my day. I can't stand being this weather vane anymore. I don't know who I am, what I want. I am unable to project myself into the future, to make plans. I don't even know in an hour what I will or will not be able to do. I can get up in the morning and have goals and arrive in the evening and have done anything else that is absolutely not according to my will. I can say to myself, like yesterday for example, that I want to read scientific articles to advance my understanding of dissociation and in the end last night to realize that I spent the day in my bed watching series and films and feeling a lot of anger because I still lost a day doing nothing. Or feel a very strong urge to go out for a walk, tell my boyfriend, warn him that I'm going out and prepare my things to leave to be invaded by overwhelming exhaustion and not be able to do anything other than lie down and m 'fall asleep suddenly. Waking up a few hours later, my boyfriend telling me "haven't you been out after all?" and hear it cry and scream in my head. Parties opposing my exit because seeing the outside world as dangerous having prevented me. It is therefore to succeed in that all my parts reactivate less in the face of the feeling of imminent danger that I decided to temporarily cut myself off from the news and from facebook. Another reason is that I absolutely have to regain confidence in the caregivers and my psychiatrist. Facebook and some people's posts about psychiatric care proposals generate too much conflict inside of me. When I read certain publications, some of my dissociative parts are reactivated and I have the impression to see sects and sectarian aberrations everywhere. Some of my alerts are good, in the field of trauma, there is currently a lot of drift on treatment proposals from the new age, anthroposophy or religious. I needed to read and understand this for a while, analyze it. But now I need to close this and not see it anymore because my dissociative parts are still extremely injured and wary of psychiatry. What exacerbates my depressed parts who see no hope and no solution in our future. And that does not help me to project myself into the future, to hope for a better being in my daily life, to hope for an end to this omnipresent feeling of suffering. I need to refocus on concrete goals and above all save my energy, find how to reactivate myself less, be less in internal conflicts. I must find an inner understanding, find common goals. With my psychiatrist, we are going to start Brunet's protocol with propranolol. This treatment has been shown to be effective for simple PTSD and was used following the various attacks that have taken place in France in recent years. I don't know if it will work and help me ... Everything is so much more complex with a DID! I do not "simply" have memories of trauma to integrate into my autobiographical memory so that they no longer come to "haunt" me with the heightened emotions associated with them. Each of my dissociative parts must agree to tell what it carries as a memory but it is also necessary that all the others agree to relive it with it, accept how we acted at this precise moment, agree not to judge, to criticize , to reproach, to feel shame and anger ... It is not "simply" my brain which refuses to accept the event because it is incomprehensible, unimaginable and too atrocious. I learned to act with these fragments of memories. Each of these events provoked the formation in me of an identity, of a way of being and of acting according to what happened. Each of my dissociative parts has its own will, its vision of the world and if it does not agree, nothing can be done. It will be enough for one of them to decide that I will not go to the next appointment with my shrink and when I do, I will switch and not go. I will "wake up" then several hours later realizing that I missed the appointment and having to explain the reasons to my shrink as has already happened in the past ... I have to convince my parties, I have to make them trust. My shrink needs to show us that we can have confidence in her, that she takes into account the will of each of my parts and that she hears them, understands them and respects their wishes. You have to match the rhythm in each of my parts. Some are buldozzers, they want to move forward and be freed, as quickly as possible. Others, those whose function was not to feel anything, are not used to emotions, to pains ... And the smallest of sensations overwhelm them ... I then hear screams in my head "I don't. can more, it is too much, it hurts too much ", my body tenses up and I feel the urge to leave my body which is only torture, that this sharing comes to an end! Taking medication, writing my story and rereading it over and over as done in the Brunet protocol is not enough for me. There is a whole dialogue to do, my therapist must "tame" my parts, I must test, go step by step and prove to them that it helps, it relieves and that it is the right direction, the right objective to take. In addition, with a DID, the memory of a single event is fragmented between different dissociative parts. It would therefore be necessary that each of the dissociative parts which possesses a fragment of this event agrees to collaborate and to tell in a linear way what happened. Throughout my life, my dissociative parts have followed one another in my daily life according to my needs. Most of the time, they were present for their skills and every now and then reactivated by an event or a person's contact. My autobiographical memory is therefore very fragmented. When I first meet someone I tend to panic for the first few minutes. I am looking for which part is the most suitable for this person. So I have a certain form of "control" and decision-making, collaboration on which dissociative part I put in front to interact with my interlocutor. Do I present myself as a confident, intelligent, strong person? Or on the contrary must I be shy, withdrawn, discreet so that she appreciates me? Do I have to be very empathetic and attentive to her to succeed in creating a lasting bond? Then when can I test if it is a trustworthy person? When can I reveal myself, explain? And if I am facing an unhealthy person and I did not notice the alerts in time, then I switch in my vulnerable parts and I no longer have control. Now it is less the case because I am more able to listen to myself, to listen to my internal warnings and to take them into account. However, my memory of the present still remains very fragmented when there is no collaboration. And that of my childhood even more! So to succeed in "reprocessing" what I experienced with propranolol, it remains very complicated! I am able to relate certain things. Some memories are quite precise, others are just sensations, smells, tastes in my mouth, pain in my body. For example, I remember being asleep, drugged I think. I remember (with very precise sensations in my body) being carried by a man, his hands embedded under my arms and behind my back to a car. I hear, I remember the words exchanged by several people around me, they are afraid of being surprised by someone and are in a hurry. My eyes are closed, I can't see anything, everything is black. I am left in the trunk of a car. I can feel the blanket in this chest on my cheek. I feel the jolt of the road, my body is shaken when the car is moving. But I don't know any more. I don't know where I was taken or what happened next. I remember the monk, his fingers like eagle's talons encasing around my neck and squeezing it. I feel his fingers clawing at my shoulders and back. I feel immense terror. I am suffocating. He guides my body and my head towards his crotch. I feel the urge to throw up. I am suffocating. I hiccup. I feel disgust, shame. I feel angry. I struggle. The talons cling to my neck. The eyes and the face that look at me are full of hatred. I am suffocating. I will die. I am a nice girl. He's the one who says it. God loves me. God loves my pure and good soul. What I am doing is good. My body is soft, whatever it asks I do. I am a puppet, a rag doll. He tells me that he loves me, he also says that I am his "adopted daughter". Then I switch. This monk is my idol. He is admired and loved by the sect. He is a good man. He loves me. I am his favorite and I feel pride and gratitude for it. The rest does not exist. What happened a few minutes before does not exist. We return with the other children and the sister of the sect. You have to smile. He's holding my hand. I am a good girl. The sister says I'm lucky, this monk is a holy man. Everything is fine. Nothing happened. I don't know exactly how old I am. It didn't happen just once. It happened every time we went to confession in his abbey. Over several years. I must succeed in disentangling the memories from one another. Successfully put them back in chronological order. Once I tried to rebel. Once I tried to do whatever he wanted right away in the hope that he would finish faster. Once I tried to run away and was caught. Sometimes he strangled me. Once he gave me a crown of flowers ... Sometimes he was kind and gentle, sometimes he was threatening and violent, sometimes he was evil and vicious. I had to adapt and switch. Some of my dissociative parts were active because if I wasn't it was hurting me. Some dissociative parts were all soft, lifeless, passive as if out of my body because that was the only way to survive. Wait until it is finished. Some were rebels in an attempt to escape. Others have tried charm and affection in the hope that he will have mercy and be softer ... For each event, each rape, I tried different survival strategies. But these were opposite. We cannot love, admire and hate. If we pretend it shows. My rapists knew how to read weaknesses, knew how to spot weaknesses, knew when we were lying. So I had to find a way to hide from them what I felt, thought, tried to do to save myself ... And the result today of this fragmentation of my way of being, of my actions and of my wills to act is that I am not one but several. And I fail to integrate it all, to be one and only. My dissociative parts are autonomous. This is the difference with dissociation as can be seen by people with PTSD. They reactivate and switch to something in their present that recalls an aspect of the trauma they have experienced. Me, there is that too, my dissociative parts also come when something looks the same and then I start to act like I did in the past. But it's not just that. I also have switches related to objectives, visions of life, wills for actions without direct and exclusive link with my traumas. They have of course an origin linked to it but they have evolved in a way of perceiving life, society, people, the world around me ... Some of my parts, for example, want to leave my apartment and live in my home. boyfriend because they are fed up with being a single mother, taking care of my daughters inflates them and when I am at my boyfriend's house with my daughters, everyday life is easier, we share tasks and responsibilities. They therefore have less to assume and accept as the role of "mother" to take on. They are therefore in the camp of "for" my move. Others talk a lot with my boyfriend about the project to build me a tiny house (a small house on a trailer), he is very handy and is able to help me build it. They hope in this way to gain autonomy and be able to travel and go around the world (a dream that I have had since adolescence). The only problem is that when they are there, present in the "foreground" in my head, the plans of my tiny are with one and only one chamber. My daughters do not exist and are absolutely not part of my project ... They are therefore also in the camp "to" move. When they are present, I do not see any flaws in my construction objective, everything is clear, limpid, simple ... Then I switch to "part mom" and frankly this project is stupid !! What would I live on? and my daughters where will they be? It makes no sense ! I do not agree ! I oppose this idea. The mother parts are therefore mixed and do not know what to decide for this move. They are partly opposed to it because they are afraid that by accepting it, we will start carrying out the construction project and that I will then find myself in an inextricable situation, without a solution for my daughters. They love my boyfriend, they want a family life for my daughters and me. They feel good with him and we share very good moments together but they are afraid of "losing control" and that I will start acting like a utopian and selfish teenager who does not recognize herself in her role as mother and who forgets that my boyfriend doesn't want to go around the world ... Other parties want this tiny project for other reasons. They want to testify and go to the police, say everything that has been done to me. But are still very scared! They agree to do so on the condition that we can flee as far as possible and as quickly as possible if necessary. They are terrified of the guru and think that if I file a complaint, he will come and punish and kill me. We must therefore find a way to escape. This means is the tiny. They forget that the guru is old, that I am an adult, that I can file a complaint against him if he threatens me, and that one is much safer behind a locked door in a house than in a box of keep in the depths of the woods ... But when they are in the "foreground", the only way for them to survive after having testified is to flee as far as possible so that no one can ever catch me. All these needs, these desires, these objectives are related to my traumas but not only. In a way they are "lost in the past" and not quite objective about what is happening in my present and the material and financial reality of being a mother, an adult. But these are also objectives linked to my future, what I want to do with my life, desires and thoughts independent of what I have experienced. I love to travel, I love nature, I love the simple life. The environment is important to me. This simple way of life, reduced to the essentials, appeals to me. Thanks to this tiny, I could possibly resume work-study studies and why not become a psychologist. I could go visit friends without being handicapped by some of the blockages I have. I could enjoy nature and help my parts that block my going outside feel safe. Others see this tiny as a way to cut yourself off from the world and no longer depend on anyone, to live as a hermit in the depths of the woods. But in these cases, I have no awareness of the money, water, electricity that will be necessary for me ... All of this is totally absent from my reflection ... Each of the decisions that I take, of the actions that I manage to carry out, are the result of big battles and inner arm wrestling. It is the fruit of compromises going towards several objectives which come together, not for the same reasons or desires, not for the same objectives or visions of the world. All this to make you understand the difference between DID and PTSD. And the titanic work that remains for me to do to smooth and internally harmonize my needs, my desires, my future life goals and my relationships with others ... Integrate my suffering and my experience but also and above all to agree and see the world the same internally. So I have three objectives on which we are more or less in agreement for this year. Concentrate on my therapy and test propranolol to see if it improves my daily life and if it decreases my painful feelings and my amnesia. If that does not work, seek and read to find where else to direct myself in terms of the type of psychological care. Continue to move forward towards my goal of bringing a complaint to justice and testifying. Make this tiny by accepting several compromises between my parties and continue to live in my apartment and with my boyfriend. Accept that we do not agree, accept the very strong presence these days of my parts who feel adolescent and have difficulty with my role of mother and adult with attachments and responsibilities. Accept to listen to their needs, their desires, their fears. Let them act in my daily life without feeling ashamed or angry with them. Accept that these needs, these thoughts are part of me and that I have the right to a certain extent to feel them and to bow to them, to allow myself for once to think of myself, to have dreams, hopes , desires, needs without going after others (my boyfriend, my daughters, my family, my relatives ...). No longer feel guilty or feel ashamed. I keep my apartment, we set up some of our business with my boyfriend and I make a place for myself and for me only. Each party thus gets what it wants.
Pff what a mess !! If only it could be easier! If only with a wave of a magic wand, my DID could disappear !!! I would so much like to do away with all that, to start over on a blank page and be free to live my life as I see fit without conflicts, without different goals, without suffering ... I would so much like to be free! Free from my past!
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