Whether you are close to a dissociated person who has experienced trauma or a professional who will hear their word, here are some important points that can help you and help us:
Don't think of yourself as a superhero or a savior:
We have great emotional and relational flaws, we are constantly looking for a savior, a surrogate mom or a surrogate dad.
Help us realize that we are adults and that we can heal our emotional shortcomings on our own.
Regularly clarify things with kindness, tell us that you are there, that you will not leave and that this "savior" that we seek is in us. Tell us that you are our friend, that you are there to listen to us and support us. Define with us the right limits to set so that our bond with you can last without causing suffering and destroying the bowl on your part or conflicts with us.
Don't fall into the trap of playing the role of a mom for us telling us what to do and how to do it. The most important role you have is to help us understand that we are strong enough to get by, that we have the necessary resources within us.
We don't need you to tell us what to do, we need you to help us understand ourselves, to understand why we act this way or that way.
So when we talk together, focus on questions rather than advice and injunctions.
For example, if we have self-destructive behaviors, that we suffer from it and tell you about it, do not condemn. Reassure us, tell us that for now we are doing the best we can, that you have confidence in us, that we will succeed in changing this. Help us understand why we do this through kind questions, help us to change our behavior by seeking with us what would allow us not to do it.
Support every little victory positively, be encouraging… If we relapse, be positive, don't condemn. Tell us that we will get there, that we are strong ...
If a small part pleads with you for help because they are lost and scared, remind us that we have mature parts that can take on that role and find the solution.
Help us to favor mutual aid, mutual understanding, dialogue within us. Help us understand that by working together we are stronger!
Encourage us to see the strengths and strengths of each of our parts and what positive things they can do in our life.
Help us to decompartmentalize our operations.
Throughout our life, each of our parts has assumed a role, a function, a way of acting. Help us realize that we have many parts and many skills. Help us make our parties aware that they are not alone and can seek help from other parties.
If you answer this small part by talking to her like a child and telling her what to do, you will plunge us into chaos and inner war. Our adult parts will get angry, our parts afraid to show our vulnerability will be overwhelmed, and we will suffer both physically and emotionally. And one way or another, your advice will fail because our parties will always be in conflict and we will be prevented from acting.
It is only by focusing on dialogue, understanding and mutual decision-making that we can move forward. Help us make it happen.
Remind us regularly of our age, our knowledge, our current situation, our abilities, our later victories. Remind us that we survived and are safe now.
Remember that we have parts that are desperate to attach themselves to you and others on the contrary who are afraid of that connection and shy away from it. If you take the role of "savior," our parts that are afraid of depending on someone will fight that addiction and we will be suffering internally. It is for this reason that it is essential that you help us to set healthy limits to our relationship by reassuring and taking into account the needs of both sides fighting inside us.
If you are a shrink, try not to advise us by giving us ready-made solutions but help us by seeking them with us, by seeking the opinions of all our parties.
Our rapists have used the charm and the hold on us to achieve their ends. We therefore have vigilant parties who protect us from this and fiercely fight all control of our actions so that we no longer suffer the same situations. And we have other parts on the contrary who are suffering from not having been loved, protected, not having been important enough to our parents or our family that we are rescued by them and desperately seeking to be loved. We can sometimes behave like little children in emotional need ...
We have been dehumanized, objectified by our torturers. Help us understand that they weren't allowed and don't make the mistake of doing it too. Help us to realize that now we are adults and able to protect and defend ourselves and that only we know what is good for us. Help us to become again fully-fledged beings endowed with reason, independence, choice ...
Whether or not you are disassociated, when talking with a friend, what you need most is to feel that the person in front is listening and understanding (or trying to understand).
Help us understand that one person cannot give us everything. If we are in mental pain, we must turn to a shrink. If our material situation is dire, a social worker can help us. If we need companionship, a friend may be called upon. Listen to us and remind us that solutions exist, help exists and that we are no longer alone. Encourage us to call on them and identify who can best help us in this situation.
I had and still have many moments when I was paralyzed, without strength, without any more the slightest energy and when I asked for the help and the help of my sister. For my administrative procedures, for example. I wanted her to do things for me, I devalued myself a lot and I no longer perceived that I had a part dedicated to this capacity, my "paper" part. If my sister did not comply, it made me very angry, I felt like I was abandoned and that she did not understand me and did not want to help me.
In such moments, ask yourself the question: "What is the real need hidden behind this request?".
Is this request for help because the dissociated person is overwhelmed by their flashbacks and emotions? In this case take the time to listen to us, tell us your support, your presence and help us to orient ourselves in the present, to see the positive. You can then suggest that we come and see us and share a good time together. Is this request for help because the dissociated person is in internal conflict and therefore prevented from acting? Listen to us, remind us that each of our parts is beneficial and that it has a good reason to act as it does and invite us to look internally for the reason (s) for this blockage.
What helps me the most in this situation is having someone who is caring by my side. If I have to do some papers and I feel I'm stuck, I call my sister and tell her. My sister reassures me and listens to the frustration or despair of my games, then she suggests that we do it together. She encourages me, repeats me that I have a part which assumes this role and while remaining on the phone with her, I carry out this administrative step. Each time, thanks to this presence and this listening, I feel my body which regains life and energy, I find my faculties. My sister helps me to regain my foothold in the here and now, I become an adult again and I regain my strength and self-confidence.
If our little parts are in pain, remind them that we have mother or adult parts that can comfort and reassure them.
If any parties are afraid, remind them that we have fighters, protectors and warriors inside.
If parties are worried about meeting people, remind them that other parties are comfortable in society ...
You are the little bit of electricity that can help us restore the connection, the power between our parts… and realize that we have everything within us that we need to get by!
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