Whether you are close to a dissociated person who has experienced trauma or a professional who will hear their word, here are some important points that can help you and help us:
Stay in touch with us:
When we have spoken to you, when we have confided in you, we are very vulnerable.
Our different parties will reactivate and fight inside: fear of the consequences of having spoken (being punished as we have been in the past, being revictimized by you, being killed by our rapists if they find out), fear of being rejected and abandoned again, fear of being judged or perceived as crazy or a liar, internal conflicts between needing help, emotional needs and fear of depending on someone ...
We understood that speaking is endangering, our executioners threatened us with death if we spoke, we were tortured if we spoke, the number of our rapists increased because we had spoken ...
So if we manage to talk to you, the days after, the months after, do not remain silent and silent.
We need you to continue to hear from us because without news, we will think that in the end you do not believe us, that our story scares you and that you are abandoning us to protect you. Don't assume it's up to us to get back to you when we need it. Your silence for us means indifference, means abandonment, means new betrayal, means refusal!
We will tend to believe that nobody wants to hear from us and that nobody cares. This is what we have been forced to integrate throughout our lives. If we have a TDI it is precisely because no one has helped us, heard, believed, protected us… The TDI is what allowed us to continue to live in spite of everything and to deal with the passivity, the indifference of the people around. from U.S…
I have spoken with a lot of relatives and friends. Many reacted by telling me that they believed me and then once my story was over, they never contacted me again. Some told me clearly that what I was telling them was too painful to hear and that they preferred not to be in contact with me anymore. Others have said nothing but never contacted me again… Some call once or twice a year but act as if nothing had been said. It is a very great suffering for me! I live it like a slap, an injunction to silence, a refusal and a cruel abandonment!
Talking to you takes immense courage! Be respectful of this!
Please don't tell us that you are in pain and that it is too much for you! These words are violent !!! When I hear this all I hear inside me is screams, excruciating screams of rage and despair! We are suffering ! We relive all day long the tortures inflicted on us so do not insult us by saying that just hearing our story makes you suffer! How can you compare physical, emotional, psychological suffering to a loss of illusion about your vision of the world, of man and of society?
And if hearing us reactivates your own traumas, your own suffering, tell us clearly. Tell us for example: "What you are telling me makes me very sad, I feel that inside me it echoes things that I have lived. I thank you for your trust by having shared your experience with Me. To be able to help you and be by your side I need to clarify my inner feelings. I will take some time for myself and when I am ready we will talk about it again. " Or "Your story awakens in me a lot of hurt and suffering that I have been through. I am not yet ready to face it but I want to stay present by your side, you are important to me. We could for the moment. share good times together without bringing up these subjects and when I'm ready, I'll let you know so that we can discuss it again. "
The most important thing is to break this circle of feelings of rejection and abandonment that we feel. Supporting someone and offering their friendship can be done in many different ways! It's up to you to be inventive and find what will allow you to maintain the link with us while respecting your needs and your limits!
If we send you a text, an email, a message ... tell us clearly when you can respond and put clear rules for our exchanges.
I often talk to my sister or other people. My sister regularly explains to me when she is available and when she is not. Because sometimes, my parts are not able to locate themselves in time and forget that my sister is at her work and is not available. The emails with my shrink are going well because we have agreed together that I can write to her when I need it but that she does not answer me unless I ask her to do so explicitly. I know that she reads my emails and she reminds me of it regularly during the session.
Tell us when you are available and when you are not and regularly reassure us of your support.
I find it very difficult to deal with inner anxieties when I contact someone. When I text or text a friend, if he or she doesn't respond to me immediately, the anxiety mounts very quickly. Why doesn't he answer me? Is he angry? Have I done something wrong? He abandons me! He is afraid of me! I am a bad person! I'm alone ! Nobody is there ! No hope exists!
If you can, get back to us quickly. Because the time it takes to respond, we are going to suffer. We will believe that you no longer want to be in touch with us, that you do not believe us, that we are abandoned again ...
The most important thing for us is that you are as clear and explicit as possible.
We don't need long messages or big explanations, just a word to show you're there.
If you are not well, if you need a break, please tell us clearly with kindness: "At the moment I am a little tired, I need to regain my strength. You can continue to contact me by mail if you wish, I am here for you and I will not abandon you. As soon as I get better and have regained my strength, I will come to see you and I will read your messages and we will discuss "or" What you have lived upsets me a lot at the moment, to be a good support for you, I need that we privilege for a while going out outside and good times to find a little peace inside of me. I'm not angry and I'm not giving up on you! You haven't done anything wrong! I'm very sad that you had to go through all of this and very angry that no one has protected you. I am your friend and I'm here for you."
We are in great suffering but it is the silence and the unspoken that hurt us the most. We need you and you can help us heal our wounds by learning the basics of healthy human relationships.
A good human relationship is made of healthy boundaries based on the needs of each and a bond that endures over time, an acceptance of the qualities and weaknesses of the other in benevolence and mutual understanding. Help us to experience it!
You will surely have the impression at the beginning that your relationship with us is time consuming, we have suffered so much from abandonment and loneliness that finally finding a caring and present person will mean that we will try with you to fill all our emotional gaps ...
Or we will tend to flood you with messages and explanations in order to convince you of the veracity of what we have experienced. After a lifetime of being completely transparent and invisible, having a person in front of us who listens to us and sees us is a bit like a mirage. We tend to believe that this person will change their mind, that it is not real, that one day or another you are going to abandon us… so awkwardly we try to convince you again and again… Without realizing that the person opposite risks saturating and feeling overwhelmed and frightened by our overload of requests. And that in the long run it will produce the opposite effect that we hoped for.
But you will see that quite quickly, with your help and a thoughtful and clear exchange of mutual needs, well-defined boundaries, we will come to learn what a real friendship is, a real healthy bond and we will be able to regulate our needs. .