This week, in a way, I have the repercussion of the "control" that I had to do last week ...
I had a lot of moments where I heard dissociative parts bitching, crying, insulting me ... "You don't pay attention to us, we don't count, you want to shut us up, you don't hear us , you don't believe us, you still want to forget us and make us disappear "...
I felt quite strong emotions of anger in my body, stomach aches, urges to vomit, urges to cry and strong moments of despair. Nothing to do with the intensity of these emotions that I could feel at other times, they were "bearable" but very present!
This week when my daughter was with me, I was doing "whatever I had to do" as a mom. As soon as she left, everything exploded in me.
To go to work, I heard very intense crying again. Sentences such as: "I can't take more, I want more". And I was again prevented from doing my job a lot, with moments of "wasted time" when I remember telling myself that I had to do such and such a task and "wake up" several hours later without knowing what I was doing. had done, the task not having been done. Lots of anguished moments feeling overwhelmed and overwhelmed by everything I had to do and the fact that I was overwhelmed and that is too much, too much for me. With a very strong desire to give up, to lie down in a ball on the ground and not move. Times when I felt powerless, drained of all energy.
A lot of internal conflicts have resumed in me these days.
- Parties that want to stop working.
- Parties that want to flee and hide.
- Parts that want to leave my boyfriend.
All week I was in a struggle, some of my parts wanted to go back to my apartment and others were terrified to go. I picked up my things this week, put them in the trunk of my car. At my boyfriend's house, I am unable to settle down. However, since September I have been living with him almost full time. But I am always ready to flee if necessary. I have 4 spare clothes, books I am reading, my computer and my toothbrush. He had cleared one of his cupboards for me to put my things in. I couldn't fill it out. I put everything in a cupboard at the entrance to his house, left everything in bags. Ready to flee in a split second ... My daughters, it isn't. They each have a room furnished and decorated to their taste, their belongings in their cupboards at my friend's house. I can not. Settle in and like a death warrant for me. It terrifies me! After several days of struggle this week, I managed to make it home. I left my things there. Once home, I felt a lot of anguish. "Run away, run away! Or you'll die!" I had to flee.
I am really literally torn between two needs, two wills. Stay and go. When I obey one, the other invades me. And I no longer know what I want to do, what to do, what to obey, what will finally allow me to no longer feel this discomfort? What will make this finally stop?
I'm in "frozen" mode right now. I can't move, act, decide ... I wait. If I wait, if I do nothing, if I do not decide anything, my world will not fall apart, nothing will happen, I will not die, I will not suffer ...
I warned my daughters, this weekend, we are staying with my boyfriend but during the week, we go back to the apartment. I know that then I'll have to stick to it. But I feel that parties are opposed to it and are fighting against this decision.
This weekend, I feel like a stranger to my boyfriend, cold, distant. He's like a stranger to me, I find it hard to feel affection for him, I feel we are out of touch. I think the part present at the time, is an actress at the moment to help me get back to my apartment, to make it easier for me ... When my boyfriend talks to me, I hear phrases like "mash what 'he's boring, but he's going to shut up? He's getting drunk !! ". (My boyfriend is very intelligent, a kind of Geo Trouvetou who invents and manufactures a lot of things. And he very often explains everything he does. Usually, that excites me, not currently ...)
And at the same time, I feel that some parties are fighting backwards with strategies to ensure that my return to my apartment does not happen. Yesterday I was literally exhausted and without strength. I slept all afternoon. I feel empty and parts cry in my head, I hear "I can't take on the girls on my own, I need him, without him I will never make it, it's too much, I can more ". And some parts kept me awake that night. This often happens to me when I have internal conflicts.
Some dissociative parts have understood very well that the less I sleep, the more exhausted I am, the more it is difficult for me to "control" my dissociative parts and to have a clear look based on my "here and now" and to make adequate and appropriate decisions. I am then much more invaded by "switches" between dissociative parts and I find it very difficult to distinguish the differences between my beliefs and actions based on my past survival strategies and my present.
I've had it up to here !!! Tired of feeling it all and being stuck in it. It's like I saw the scene from the outside. I see myself living, feeling this. I am able to understand everything that goes through me. But I can't change anything, I can't stop this hellish experience. And I feel rage against myself, hatred. I suck !!! A big shit, a good-for-nothing, a culprit.
A little list of what I can feel or be at times:
I hate myself for depending on my boyfriend. I hate this bond that binds us. He scares me because a link is a weakness, a means that people have to hurt us, to torture us. If we are not related to anyone, no one can hurt us.
I hate being alone. Not having a man in my life is synonymous with death. If I don't belong to anyone, no one will worry about me if I die, if I disappear. Not to depend on anyone is to die, it is not to exist, it is to disappear.
I am scared, I am a child. A child does not know. If I don't have a man who makes the decisions for me, who reassures me and tells me what to do, people are going to die because of me. Girls could die because of me. I cannot decide on my own.
I am an adult. I know how to manage my adult life. I don't let anyone dictate my actions to me anymore. I read and learn a lot about influence, sectarian movements, manipulation ... I am very intelligent. I do not need anyone. My daughters, I have always known how to protect them and I know how to make the right decisions, I know how to listen to them and to act properly. I know because that's what I've been doing for the past few years. I am an adult and a good mother.
I am scared. The current climate scares me very much. The covid, global warming, wars ... All the catastrophic information, the conflicts of opinion of television and the media terrorize me. I want to die. I am too small, too weak to survive all of this. Everything is too complicated, dark, apocalyptic ... I would like to die and be finally delivered from this fear which invades me and paralyzes me.
I am strong. I survived. I will still survive. What do I need to survive? I want to prepare a survival bag for myself if I ever have to flee with my daughters. I think about survival strategies. I want to build my tiny house or my truck to be ready if things go wrong. I feel strong and determined.
I am weak. Currently, the situation is dangerous. I cannot put myself and my daughters in danger by stopping work. I might not find any more work, I might die of hunger and cold. I must obey and give the body to my boyfriend. If I'm nice, he will protect me, he will take me under his wing. I will be safe and so will my daughters.
I'm free ! I am an adult! I decide for my body! It only belongs to me. My boyfriend understands and respects him. He respects me. He asks me. When I say no, he listens to her. He doesn't force me. It is good. No one has ever been good to me. I love it. I'm lucky. I want to stay with him. We love ourselves. He listened to me. He knows. He's not perfect. Perfect, that doesn't exist. He was and is there for me. Right now he needs me. That's what a couple, to compromise. I am indebted to him, I am grateful to him. With him, I feel like a woman, I exist. I am not a piece of flesh that we use.
I'm free ! I am an adult! I decide for my body! It only belongs to me. I want to be free. I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. I don't want to feel guilty anymore, to have to give something to thank, to be indebted. I want to leave him. He doesn't want to listen to me anymore. He doesn't care what I live and feel. He does not realise. He lied. He had promised to help us. He doesn't do it anymore. You can't trust him.
I want to be alone. Learn to manage my life on my own. I have had very few moments where I was really alone without a guy. I feel that I need this passage to free myself from the past and from these automatisms that I have. I want to find out who I am. And that I can only do by being alone. I still have too many times when I have dissociative parts which think that I must depend on a man, that I must give myself to him, give the body to survive.
I want to change these beliefs. But how to do it while being in a relationship?
Loneliness terrifies me. I'm afraid to live alone. I feel abandoned, invisible, non-existent, dead ... Loneliness is death. To live, you have to be in a group and be in a relationship. I'm afraid of the desperate dissociative parts. I'm afraid that if I'm alone, I won't control them anymore and they'll kill me. As a couple, I am obliged, obliged to act, obliged to hide, obliged to continue and to fight. Alone, there is only me, and these dissociative parts are in me. I'm afraid of what they might do. I have to prevent them.
I'm mad. Currently, I am no longer moving. I had to hide everything again, put everything back. I am angry that the current situation is forcing me to operate this way. My daughter's needs, my boyfriend's needs ... I can't, I don't want to go on like this anymore. I want to get better, I want to suffer less, I want to free myself. I don't want to be separated anymore. My boyfriend does not want to understand. I file a complaint. It is necessary that I make so that my daily life allows me again to express myself and to be all my dissociative parts. If not, how could I testify and say? My priority is my daughters and me. I have to make a decision and make sure to find a daily life where I no longer hide. As was the case a few months ago.
This is the kind of tension and reasoning that can assail me at times ...
Not easy !!
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