For 1 week, a big conflict between my parties.
I try to make you understand what it is to live in my head and my body ...
Here is a video that will show you quite explicitly what it is to be in my sneakers when there is inner conflict :
The film "inside" is not a good film to talk about DID because once again, the cinema makes us look like psychopaths or serial killers, which we are absolutely not !! But this scene is quite interesting.
We see the hero and his different dissociative parts, we see how sometimes it can be noisy in our head ...
With my shrink, last Friday, we worked on some aspects of my traumas related to my very young parts, the fact that my rapists lied to me and that even today, some of my small parts still believe that what they told me is true. Beliefs such as that my rapists can know that I am talking about what they have done to me and that they can kill me if I disobey the law of silence, that they have "powers" and can command God and that I be punished by him, the fact that there is a beast inside of me, the devil, the evil ...
Since then, I have spent an excruciating week with a lot of very, very intrusive switches.
My days were fragmented and very difficult to live with.
Lots of angry parties for different reasons would come up and I was feeling the rage and anger physically. It could be rage understanding the lies and wanting all other parties to finally open their eyes or rage against my surroundings and society and the urge to scream and curse everyone and send everything farting with desperation , the desire to stop everything because fighting is useless since even today despite obvious evidence, nothing changes and people still refuse to protect, believe, listen, act ... The impression of having to cut me of all my relatives because in fact none is able to understand. The immense feeling of loneliness and abandonment.
I have since many parties who are afraid that we will address these points of the lies that have been made to me and the false beliefs that I still have and who struggle by trying in various ways to oppose them.
I have parts whose purpose is to prevent me from saying, to know in order to protect me. And we are currently touching "knots" in my therapy which will allow me to make a lot of progress on this point.
I have felt the disagreement of my parts for a week. Should I move on? Should I know nothing and continue to live like this with my amnesias?
I just have the impression of being stuck in a body-torture, a body, an envelope from which I cannot extract myself with the impression of being only raw flesh permanently stuck with a thousand needles or daggers, lacerated on all sides, raw ...
And I just switch. I AM anger, I AM despair, I AM pain and nothing else exists. There is no present, no past, no future. I am no longer able to see it or think about it. I am only this pain, these physical feelings, these thoughts related to this dissociative part of me which comes to the fore and shares with me.
It is very exhausting and scary to feel this way! What scares the most and is the most difficult to live with are these very rapid changes.
I'm angry, I only think about things related to this anger and the next minute I don't know anything about this anger but I'm in despair and I don't know anything about my present. I have no children, I have no hope, I am just this immense despair which engulfs me. Then the next minute, I don't know anything, I'm fine, everything is fine, I smile, life is good, everything is fine, I'm safe. Then I switch again, I can't take it anymore, I want to run away, I'm not good anywhere, I have to run away! Then I switch, I have to go to work, I think about what to do for my boss, then again I switch, I'm scared, I don't know where I am, what to do, I 'I'm scared, I'm lost, then another switch, anger at me, why am I prevented, I'm sick of these parts, I can't take it anymore, I have to find a solution, make sure I am released .... So all day ...
My control parts have a very difficult task to take on. They have to manage a big picture and a common goal to save and protect me. Like all my other parts of course but the difference is that my control parts have the capacity to be "one step ahead" unlike many other parts, to have the capacity to imagine and find what each of my parts need to break free and finally move forward by letting go of the burden she has been carrying for all these years.
How do you explain it?
Let's say that my brain, my personality is a chessboard.
In a game of chess,
The pawn moves straight in front of it, a single square without ever being able to move back (my small parts blocked in what they lived, the suicidal ones)
The rook, the bishop and the queen can move several squares in a single move, in a straight line, as long as they are not limited by the impassable space of another room (my observant, angry, protective parts, those who test or provoke to know if my entourage is healthy or dangerous, the seductive and whores, the servant ...).
The rider is the only "jumping" piece, he "jumps" directly to his arrival square by slipping between the pieces (my control parts).
The king moves a single square in any direction (my part with the blue cloak that protects, reassures and makes you feel love)
The capacity of my dissociative parts is a bit the same.
Some have a lot of leeway, they can jump over the beliefs and fears of my parties and move forward in spite of everything.
Others can move forward, but if they encounter an obstacle, a part that blocks them with their fears, they cannot move.
And some parts can only move very slowly, one obstacle after another ...
Some see the whole chessboard, they see that my life has changed and they prepare the next action to win my battle towards life, peace and happiness. Others are all in their battle and do not see beyond the battle line, they do not see everything that needs to be changed in me to free myself from my past, they do not see the struggles to be waged in the future, all that there is still to change internally ... And others are just in a forward advance, a heavy and painful step at the same time without anything else around ...
Many parties are struggling because it comes down to having to agree to change the way they operate.
When I was little, the guru took me on a trip with his family abroad. One evening, in one of the countries where we were, a little neighbor was fatally struck by lightning in the yard right next to where we were. The guru told me that God obeyed him and that if I refused myself to him, if I spoke, he would ask God to punish me as he had punished this little girl. This dissociative part of me which had to face the guru that day, still carries with it this belief that if I oppose, if I speak, I will be struck down by God. She thus took this role in my system, to make sure to prevent me from speaking and to oppose me because if not I will die devastated.
Changing her belief amounts to making her accept that she has been deceived, that her protective role that she has held all my life is "not good", that she is no longer used for "nothing", that she believed a liar man ... She thought she was doing the right thing, she thought she was protecting me ... It's very difficult for each of my parts to understand that what they believe and how they protect me are no longer suitable. It is very painful, very guilty too. At the time I had no choice. I was a child. A child believes what she is told. All the adults around me believed in God and believed in divine punishment, the devil, the angels ... I have to accept all of this, forgive myself and put things in context. I was a child, no one was protecting me.
All of this terrorizes, is very guilty, angers ... So there is a lot of fear and reluctance for my parties to understand that they have been lied to. They are afraid that they will no longer be useful in my system, that they will no longer find their place there, that other parties will blame them for their protection mechanisms ... They thought they were doing the right thing. They did well at the time, they had no other choice ... But now it is very difficult for them to change.
My progress is always like this: a big mess, a lot of struggles then a big step forward towards better being, better living ...
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