11/09/2021 Propranolol

For the past few weeks, I have been under treatment with propranolol. (See my post on Alain Brunet's protocol published previously for the explanation).

I take this medication an hour and a half before the sessions with my psychiatrist or the psychiatrist at the psychotrauma center. And I have a follow-up with a cardiologist to see if my heart is handling it well.

It's been two sessions where I really feel a difference. When I arrive, my psychiatrist offers to wrap myself in a blanket. What I do. Then we talk for 1 hour 30 minutes.

Until recently, I was still very suspicious of her. Many of my dissociative parts are still very hurt and angry with the health care system. We were therefore wary and many refused to come to the "foreground" and speak with my psychiatrist. Confidence seems to be building up little by little. Several things made this possible.

First of all, what helps me a lot is that my psychiatrist gave me time to decide whether or not I wanted to take this propranolol treatment. Then, she was not offended or hurt when I mentioned another follow-up that I wanted to start at the psychotrauma center. She even encouraged me there. We agreed together, that the "trauma" side would be managed by her and that the psychotrauma center would help me more on the OCD and phobias side. She understands my fear of "depending" only on one person, my fear of a bond that is too strong or that exceeds the limits. And it allows me to find the safeguards I need to feel safe again. She regularly reminds me of the environment we work in, what she can do and what she never will. It helps me a lot and reassures me. I was able to "test" on several occasions its "reliability" and if it left me really free and decision-making in the care that I receive from it. She reminds me very often that she is imperfect, that she does not know everything, that she can be wrong ... And she is frank about the knowledge she has and her limits. All this reassures me and allows me to regain confidence.

After concerning the effect of the drug, the impression I have is to be a bit like cotton, very calm, very calm ...

During these two really meaningful sessions, we talked about several rapes that I suffered. What's pretty crazy is the difference between these sessions and the other times I've talked about it before.

Usually, when I speak, my breathing becomes choppy or stops, I am overcome by emotions of fear, anguish, terror ... To say often amounts to being pierced by blades throughout my body. I am suffering. Truly ! In addition, when I tell, when my dissociative parts tell, I have the impression of being caught in a tunnel, my vision, my field of vision is as if narrowed and it is as if the memory is superimposed on the real , and I'm no longer able to tell the difference between past and present. I feel in my pulpit what was done to me, I feel the same emotions that I felt at the time and I am in panic ... I am going to die ...

These times it was different, really very different and quite confusing! I begin to speak, my body tensed in anticipation of the wave of panic and pain ... and ... nothing! Calm. An incredible and unknown calm.

The first time I was worried. It's like I'm missing something. As if suddenly my memories became less real and some parts worried about this lack. Are we going to forget everything, if we no longer suffer, maybe my brain will protect itself and multiply amnesias? We are so "used" to this suffering which is like a constant reminder of what we have lived, a way of "forcing" us to remember when we are constantly struggling to "forget", "deny", act as if all this had never existed ... Some parties were afraid that their suffering, everything they had to say would be denied again and put aside if this suffering no longer came to remind their existence ... 'we will be believed if there is no more this horrible suffering? If we no longer have this excruciating suffering that turns these events into very real acts and that we cannot deny, will people continue to believe us? I had the unpleasant impression that I was missing something, to be like an amputee ... On returning home, after we had spoken for 1 hour 30 minutes with precision of particularly painful events, I felt light. I took back 1/2 pill in the evening on the advice of my psychiatrist and I slept as rarely I could!

Then the next day, little by little, I realized what had happened. I heard howls of joy from certain parts ... "it works", "we suffer less" ... And also realize that I had been able to describe more precisely the places where it had happened, details that have always been there in my memories but that I was unable to verbalize and describe because too focused on pain and suffering ... I have also felt a difference in my daily life for a few days. The permanent mess seems to be calming down. Internal dialogue resumes. At work, my anxiety attacks are a little less strong. I am no longer obsessed in my days with finding a leak solution (my tiny project). I was able to chat with my boyfriend, express my fears and needs to him and he was great! Very reassuring, in non-judgment. All this helps me enormously to find security in my daily life.

What I also notice is that the conflicts between my dissociative parts seem less violent. For example, I have a dissociative part who came and said that the guru is the “messenger of God”, that God listens to him and that if we object, at his request God will punish us. Immediately after another part came and I slammed my thigh hard in rage and anger. Fucking stupid party who still believes in his bullshit! It's not me ! It's not me ! I no longer believe in this bullshit me !!! I often reacted like this in the past, but the parties angry with his beliefs in the past refused to listen, to really discuss. And generally, the following days I was very bad, hearing internal conflicts, words of reproach, tears ... As if this angry part was expressing its rage internally and sought to punish me, to punish this believing part and still conveying the rapist's words ... This time, she listened and there was no internal fight or "punishment" after the fact. Calm.

Good in the second session, I went a bit all over the place ... I had too much to say and I have the impression that a lot of parts wanted to come and tell to see what it was like not to suffer by saying ...

I also still feel blockages of certain dissociative parts. "Is the propanolol going to make us feel in the body what caused us? Are we still going to smell when it hurts?"

"I'm scared! I'm scared that if she says we're dirty forever" "If she says, it will really have happened, we will be really dirty, forever" "I'm not sure I want to have the pictures, I'm afraid that everything will be too dark afterwards, that we will never be able to see the light again if she says "..." As long as we don't have the images, that she doesn't say, it's like if it hadn't happened ... Afterwards, if she says, we can no longer pretend that nothing has happened to us "..." I'm afraid! I don't want to! Not yet! "

So we are moving slowly with my psychiatrist. As soon as one of these dissociative parts comes and expresses its reluctance, we listen to it and try to reassure it. My psychiatrist remains humble. She explains to me that she does not know how I will react, she does not know whether or not I will feel the penetrations and acts of torture but that she will be there to accompany me and support me. She explains to me that no longer in pain does not mean that I will forget and have amnesia.

And my dissociative parts which are in a hurry to advance and no longer suffer are tempered by it. These dissociative parts tend to look for a "miracle drug", a "miracle person" who in a few sessions can make us "normal", remove this daily suffering, erase this experience in a way ... a magical thought still well anchored. .. Here too, my psychiatrist helps us stay in reality. No medicine is miraculous, she is not a "savior". It helps us by reminding us of what propranolol does biologically on our brain and body. It re-explains the mechanisms at work in dissociation. The benefits of the drug and its limitations.

I feel like I'm finally getting my head out of the water after months and months of suffering, conflicts ... I find my ability to hope, to project myself into the future, to have goals ... I begins to find a little internal dialogue and the permanent hubbub of the last few months seems to calm down and subside ...

I try not to get carried away too quickly.

I have parts that are still very scared, afraid that everything will fall apart and that we will still be hurt or betrayed. I still feel very fragile but my ability to hope and regain confidence is slowly coming back ...