I have to take steps for my children, take care of their bus card.
I gathered the papers, the procedures are complicated because it is not the same organization which takes care of the two cards. I spent hours on the internet figuring out how to do it. Taking care of this kind of thing always leaves me very anxious and stressed. I'm afraid of misunderstanding, I'm afraid of making a mistake. When the stress rises, then I have anger and exasperation that comes. Why do I feel this anguish? Those are just bus cards! Why are these parties doing this? They annoy me!
Then as the conflict rises in me, fear, anguish, anger, internal reproach, I feel a very great fatigue invade me. I am cut off from all strength, all energy. Going against that requires a huge effort! And I feel sadness and a lot of fatal lines are spinning in my head. I'm never going to get there, it's too hard, I'm not able, I want to die ...
I managed to go to both schools because I had to stamp papers to be entitled to this bus card. In one no problem, in the other the director refuses. "You will have the papers at the start of the school year, we will give you proof at that time." It's screaming inside of me. It's just a tampon! It takes two seconds! She won't let me explain, she treats me like a stupid baby. My daughters will not have their card at the start of the school year and the time they make the cards, maybe two or three weeks will have passed after the start of the school year ... But what a selfish person, but what an asshole! Anger! Rage!
Then Anger and reproach against myself. If you had done it earlier, she wouldn't have refused. It's your fault ! Everything is your fault ! You are incapable!
I switch to a small part which only knows how to crash and ask forgiveness, apologizes to the secretary and thanks and I go out, all shy and self-effacing. Outside, I switch. Anger but what an asshole! Why did you come? You're making me angry ! I don't want to be like that! You make me look like an asshole! We should have shouted and insisted! By your fault we do not have the paper! How are we going to do this ?
I go home. Enough stress for today! We will see another day for the rest of the process!
This morning, I get in my car and head to the location of the body that issues the bus cards. I know the place but I am upset. I just switch and I can no longer locate myself. I put my GPS to succeed in finding the place. Despite the GPS I have to turn it on twice because I pass the place without seeing it. I'm lost. Anger, fear, doubt, howl ... I start to tremble and panic. How am I going to find it? If I can't find my daughters won't get their cards!
Stress is added. It's market day. The streets are crowded with people, cars are parked on the sidewalks, in all directions. My stress is increasing. I have to park far away. I try to concentrate on memorizing the path I will have to travel to get to the office of the organization. I panic a little.
I park my car. I go out. There are lots of people. Anguish is mounting. I don't like it when there are too many people. I feel attacked by the looks, the gestures. As if my body became hypersensitive and barking, hyper vigilant and overdosed because of too much information to analyze.
A lady is behind her plexiglass counter. She speaks very loudly to herself and comments out loud about everything she does. I enter, she looks up, looks at me and puts them down and continues her screams commenting on what she is writing. "Missing envelope, phone mom and tell her to go with the envelope or the card will not be done! There, it's good! There, people are really doing anything! They don't know how to read or what ? ... "
She makes me wait ten minutes. His screams make me stress and panic inside. Then she turns to me. "Madam, to us! The mask is obligatory! If you do not have a mask you cannot approach!". Shaking I dig into my bag and find the mask and put it on. I open my file, meanwhile, she resumed her monologue and only deals with the papers in front of her as if I did not exist. Internally, it yells. But this one is stupid! What a lack of respect! Does she have to yell like a fishmonger? And I feel very stressed and anxious. I hear crying and screaming. Screaming outside (the woman) and crying and screaming inside. Fatigue invades me again.
I'm trying to regain control. I'm here to do some papers. It is important ! Soon it will be over.
The lady takes a look at my file and says "you are at RSA! If you are at RSA this is not where you need to go come. It's written on the papers Madam, you have to read them! "I have a blackout. I can no longer think, no longer move, no longer speak. What did she say?
I regain control and I tell him in a small voice "no I'm not at RSA". People come in behind me. She yells at people "Masks are mandatory if you don't have masks you can't submit your case". A man behind gets angry. He does not have it.
She looks at me and says "Is it good Madam? Next!".
I raise my tone, no, I'm not at RSA, I'm coming to do bus maps and I think it's good here. She looks at me "Oh well, are you not at RSA?" "Good give me your papers". I hand it to him. It's screaming inside. And your mother is she at the RSA old goat? No, but who do you think you are? Bitch!
The lady looks at the papers. You have not completed this box Madam, it must be completed. I object that it is a box marked "reserved for administration". She looks at me like I'm the last of the morons and tells me it's my job to fill them up. She articulates each word loud and clear as if I didn't understand anything.
I switch. She takes me for an asshole, I become an asshole. I am losing my means. I am again a little girl, lost, shy.
She tells me to come back with the completed papers. I tremble, stammer, put my papers away, thank her, apologize and turn around.
When I go out, explosion and scream! We are not going to repeat this torture a second time, go back there, fill them up and give it to him! Pity but how stupid you are! You are good for nothing! I'm fed up !
It screams so much in there!
I decide to go home. I'm too exhausted again. Every step is torture. I do not have any more strenght.
I look around me. I don't recognize anything. I have a car. I came by car. I have to find where I parked. Where am i? I don't recognize anything. And by that I believe. I walk for 30 minutes. I am looking in all the streets. No car. That is not here ! On the way there I was careful though! I memorized the journey, I engraved in my memory points of details. Why can't I remember it? Anger. Piss off! Go away ! This part that prevents me from locating myself, this part that makes me feel lost every time I have to go somewhere gets on my nerves! I wish it didn't exist! It spoils my life! I'm wasting time! I have other things to do today! Because of her I will lose my day and I may not be able to find my car! What if I can't find my car? I'm lost ! I'm afraid ! Help !
Another half hour passes.
I finally manage to find where I was parked. Whore ! 1 hour ! I lost an hour !!!
Piss off!
I don't have the papers! I did not succeed! I suck! I'm good for nothing! I am a bad mother!
I'm fed up ! This life sucks! I can't get anywhere. I will not arrive there !
It is like this all the time.
The little part that knows nothing and is lost. She comes in front of me when I have to take steps and no one listens to me, when the person opposite is aggressive. Systematically, it appears and with it I feel anguish, a feeling of incompetence, fear ... I no longer know who I am, what my name is, I no longer know how to fill out papers ... I become a very little lost girl who is afraid when she is there.
The part that prevents me from finding my way in space. This part always comes when I have to go somewhere. Sometimes her presence lasts a second, sometimes she stays for hours and prevents me from finding my way or going to a meeting. If my boss asks me to drive other new employees to a location, for a second, I have a huge stress spike. I panic, I no longer recognize anything, I no longer know where this place is, I am unable to go there. Often I use my GPS as an aid but it does not always work because this part scrambles my bearings and despite the indications, I often have to turn for several minutes or even for half an hour before being able to find the place. .
For several years, I was prevented by this part from going to a place that I love very much with my daughters. It is a swimming area not far from my home. This place is beautiful and heavenly. To get there, it's not complicated, I just have to go straight from home. Well for 3 years, I tried many times to go there alone or with my daughters and I never found the place. I went there with a friend, there the path was easy to find but alone, I was unable. In fact, every time I've tried to go alone, it's like a black veil is put over my vision, a shadowy area and I can't see where I am have to park. This place does not exist in my brain, does not exist in my vision. I finally understood why I was forbidden to go there. Three years ago, a woman, a jogger, was found dead there, probably murdered. I think that several of my parts did not want me to be able to go there because for her I would not be safe there ... And I think that this part that prevents me from finding my way in space is there because when I was little, I was taken to places outside to be raped. I shouldn't know where I was going. I should not hold back the road because my rapists would have killed me if I had been able to memorize the route. I think this part was created to take on this role: to protect me by preventing me from knowing where I was being taken.
For the little part that makes me lose my skills as a grown woman, I don't know. I still don't understand why she comes believing she has to protect me. I have noticed that this is when I have to do administrative procedures and find myself facing an aggressive person who does not care about doing their job properly and treats me badly or disrespectfully. And if the person opposite takes me for a moron and insinuates that I have the intellectual capacities of a goldfish it increases the stress of this part and makes his presence in the foreground continue. I have also noticed that this part comes when I have to face an aggressive or pointing person. I think my system believes that if I present myself as fragile and vulnerable as a child, the people in front will be more forgiving, more benevolent and less aggressive. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it makes it worse. Some people tend to overwhelm fragile people even more and this has often happened in my daily life. This modus operandi may or may have revictimized me in the past. And I can't really change that gut reaction yet.
The presence of these two parties is a great source of internal conflicts. They are very present on a daily basis. Not understanding exactly why they think they have to come and intervene in my daily life to protect me exasperates me! Their interventions handicap me enormously! And for the moment I can not yet reassure and calm them and show them that their intervention is no longer necessary in my life today.
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