Whether you are close to a dissociated person who has experienced trauma or a professional who will hear their word, here are some important points that can help you and help us:
Specifically name what you feel or think:
If you are stressed, tired or angry tell us clearly. Tell yourself that we are going to feel it anyway and that we may draw the wrong conclusions.
If we need to talk because we are suffering internally but you are tired because the night before you had insomnia, tell us: "last night I did not sleep much, you may be going. feel that I am tired but that has nothing to do with you. I am here and I want to listen to you and I will do my best to stay attentive to your word! ".
If you are stressed because your child is having problems at school or one of your parents is ill: "At the moment I am a little stressed because there are difficult things going on in my family that worry me, you you may feel that I am preoccupied but it has nothing to do with you, I am present by your side and I am happy to hear your word ". If you are angry or sad hearing us: "What you are telling me makes me angry or sad. I am angry with the people who have done all this bad to you, I am sad that you have been through it all ".
This passage is essential for shrinks!
I know that in your training you were taught not to say anything about yourself, not to say anything personal… But in order to be able to create a bond of trust with you, we need you to express aloud what you feel or think! We don't need to know elements of your personal life, no need for you to go into details ... But whether you explicitly name what you think or feel because even as a shrink, your attitude sends messages to us and us we need you to explain them in order to be confident and be able to talk to you.
If you are tired after a whole day of listening to your patients, let us know. Let us know that you are tired but that you are here with us and that you will do your best to help us. If you don't say anything, we'll perceive your yawns and interpret it as rejection ...
I spent many years in therapy with shrinks who didn't say a word or express what they were feeling. It was causing me pain! I felt like I was being rejected, judged and they didn't explain anything to me. Inside, I was in constant conflict and in physical pain. A raised eyebrow, a sigh made me think that the shrink doubted me then a benevolent smile from him, that he believed me… suddenly inside I could only hear screams and anger, panic… Should I to trust him ? Should I be silent? Am I in danger or safe?
Growing up in a cult and having been mind-manipulated, I have parts that constantly observe and analyze my surroundings. If someone is lying to me or avoiding a question of mine, my parties see it as a danger. To be successful in confiding and trusting, I need those around me to be honest and clear.
We need you to tell us how you are feeling because we will tend (if you do not express it to us) to believe that we are being rejected and that we are being silenced.
We have painfully integrated throughout our lives the fact that no one listens, no one wants to help us, no one wants to hear and believe us. Help us to free our word and to integrate new positive experiences of human relations.
And we tend to interpret all outward signs in a pessimistic and negative way.
Tell yourself that one of our parts will feel and analyze your emotions and that they will draw pessimistic conclusions from them, so do not hesitate to formulate what you feel, what you think so that there is no doubt and ambiguity… The key word is clarity, honesty and transparency. Do not spend your time explaining to us everything that is going on in your head and in your body ... But listen to and observe your inner reactions and our outer reactions! And if you feel a change in our attitude, take a break with us and help us understand what's going on.
This will help us enormously in learning to listen to ourselves, to feel the occurrence of a switch and to dialogue internally!
We find it difficult to take a step back and see if an external feeling or an emotion expressed in front of us concerns us or not. If someone next to us is angry, parts of us will think we did something wrong, that person is angry with us. We will be overcome with fear and anguish, guilt… It will take time and help to be able to distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not, and the degree of seriousness. In the face of anger, our small parts will activate immediately and we will no longer be able to react, to understand the entirety of the event and to place it in its rightful place.
Observe us. Look at our eyes, the posture of our body… usually when one of our parts is worried and reactivates, our body and our attitude show it. If you perceive a decline, a distancing on our part tell us.
Ask us what worries us or scares us. And try to understand with us what in our environment triggered this reaction. If we are in a restaurant and someone at the table next door gets angry, we might freeze or start to freak out… word it out loud. Explain to us that this person gets angry but that it is not against us, that we are not risking anything, that we are safe. We will be able to calm our anxieties.
If we do talk and suddenly stop doing it and sink into our seat with our faces closed, try to analyze what just happened. Perhaps a movement on your part, a word reactivated one of our injured parts. Make us notice this decline and ask us what just happened, reformulate your word or explain your gesture ... The more you will help us to become aware of our switches, the more we will be able to take a step back in the face of events and no longer react in instinctive and immediate ways. Little by little, we will be able to weigh our reactions and call on our reflection, taking into account all the data.
For a dissociated person, becoming aware of their inner world, dialoguing and understanding each other is essential! Professionals like our loved ones can be incredible helpers in helping us to remove our amnesic barriers and divergences of objectives, beliefs and modes of protection between parties.
And the little extra to be by our side is that you will get to know yourself better and understand yourself too! You will become a kind of scientist who observes and listens. You will learn to be vigilant on a daily basis and you will see that your outlook on society and the world will change, your relationships with others as well ... You will be more attentive to your children, your family, your co-workers ... And I find that for you and for us, learning to understand each other and to understand the other is something wonderful and positive… And that makes us a better human being, doesn't it?