This week was excruciating! Lots of sharing of traumatic memories. Lots of internal conflicts. Very regular and very strong anxiety attacks.
This is what I hear in my head, it is the voice of the guru's wife:
"You are crazy my poor girl! God will save you! God will remove the demon from you! You will see! His messenger on earth will put his hands in you and bring out the beast! He will extract the evil one from your body so that you do not speak with the forked tongue of lies. Let it go! Let it go or we will tie you up! Be a nice girl! We love you! (The name of the rapist) love you! Let yourself be guided, let yourself knead by the hand of the messenger of god. "
This is Jade's story.
Jade, she liked doing the papers. Jade, she liked to draw on the papers.
Jade drew on the papers what the cruel ones were doing to her and she showed her mom. Her mom told the cruel people about it because she was worried that Jade would draw this and that Jade couldn't sleep at night. The cruel's wife told mom it was the survivor's guilt. That it was because of his sister's death.
Then the cruel people kept the drawings.
The cruel took the drawing and put it on the jade face. He said that papers are bad, that Jade is naughty, that papers are forbidden. And each time they pushed his penis very hard into the jade penis and he went back up to the drawing and he did the jade again badly. Lots of times. Jade was crying. Jade promised to redo the papers. Jade begged. Jade was in great pain. Jade wanted this to stop.
This is what the guru did to me, did to one of my dissociative parts, Jade. All my life I have struggled to do the papers. I did not understand why when I had to take steps, immediately and systematically, I felt anguish and terror, often I was prevented from acting. Something, I didn't know what, was preventing me. A threat was hovering, I didn't know how to identify it or name it, but something serious was going to happen to me if I did these papers.
This week I was prevented at my job from doing the "papers". As soon as my boss asked me to take care of it, I had an anxiety attack. I'm choking, I can't breathe, I feel like throwing up, my stomach hurts, I cry ... And I have this belief that keeps coming back: if I do these papers, by my fault my boss is going to die, I'm going to die, I'm in danger of death, my boss through my fault will go to jail if I do the papers. Jade is bad, she writes bad things on the papers, she shouldn't do it, if she does, she's going to send people to jail and it's bad.
I wanted to stop my work several times. I even asked my shrink to speak to my boss, to explain to him that if he makes me do the papers it is dangerous for him, that through my fault he will go to jail. I begged her. I don't want to hurt my boss, I don't want him to be punished by me.
I still feel anxiety today and I had a few anxiety attacks this morning but I am less lost in time. Jade (my little dissociative part) is less present than these last 2 days. When she is there, it's excruciating, I suffer !!!! What she went through is horrible. I am then unable to discern "reality", the past, from the present. I am incapable, I can no longer touch these papers. If I do, I will die, I will suffer, I will be punished, I will hurt those I love or appreciate.
I am unable to realize that doing "papers" does not put people in jail, kill them or kill me. All I know is that there, when this sharing takes place, I am raped, I am in great pain and I hear these injunctions from the rapist. I integrate them into my brain. If I redo the papers, he will do me badly again. Papers are prohibited, papers are dangerous. Papers are bad, papers hurt people, it sends them to jail. Papers are prohibited.
As I told you on another post, with my shrink, for more than a month, we began to work in therapy on the "false beliefs" of my dissociative parts who still believe they are children.
Here is one of those beliefs.
Jade's role in my game system is to protect me by forbidding me to do the "papers" because if I do, I will be punished.
I also feel a lot of resistance inside, a lot of conflict over the work we do with my shrink. Parties do not agree to help these dissociative parties to understand what has been done to them and the lies that have been told to them, they are afraid for different reasons. Some are afraid of sharing and don't want it to be done, they are afraid of suffering, they are afraid of knowing. Some are afraid that by doing this they will lose their role in my system and no longer know what goal they should follow, what backup goal they should adopt if they too believe things are wrong.
What I also realize is how much nothing is adapted in our society to help people like me. We are alone, absolutely alone to face the worst moments of our life. And nothing is done to help us take these necessary steps for our healing.
I see my shrink. Yes. But how do I get anxiety attacks when I'm not in his office? Who helps me breathe when in the middle of the night I wake up and feel this rape I experienced years ago as if it was happening? Who helps me when at work I vomit and am overcome with terror? Who helps me minute after minute of my day to relate to my present and not drown in my traumatic memories? Who helps me resolve the conflicts and the screams, the tears that I have been hearing in my head day and night for a week?
This is all unfair !! You have no idea how torture this is! You don't know what it's like to hear screaming and crying all day long. You have no idea how exhausting, scary it is. How expensive it is in energy to show a neutral and impassive face, to smile, to act as if I can't hear anything, don't feel anything all day.
I have a double sentence. I was raped, tortured and since no one protected me, I have to relive it again and again until I finally integrate it. And to do that, I am alone, or almost. My family, my shrink, my boss are there. They say "don't worry, you've got the skills, you're gonna get there, it's gonna be fine ..." and all I want to do is yell at them. You do not know ! You don't feel! You don't hear how horrible it is that they did to me.
I so want you to feel, to be in my body. You would understand! And when they tell me no, doing papers isn't going to kill me, doing papers isn't going to put people in jail, I just want to yell at them!
How can you say that? How can I believe you when I live it in my pulpit? Doing these papers comes back to feeling what he did to me, I feel it, I FEEL in my pulpit everything he did to me. How can you say it doesn't kill, it doesn't hurt? My own reality is that. I did the papers and I AM raped, tortured. Their words hurt me. They say that what I feel and life is wrong, does not exist there at the moment but my reality, my feelings are quite different!
When the sharing stops, I am able to see, to understand, to discern the differences. But when it does, I am only pains and denying my pain, denying my feelings is one more violence.
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