I am starting to see more clearly and to feel better after 3 rather complicated weeks for me.
The integration of new games into my system has gone this way every time.
I find myself feeling and being things and ways of being that seem foreign to who I am. It overwhelms me. Overwhelms me. I am upset, I do not understand anything. Lots of internal conflicts and misunderstandings ... Then I confront them. I learn to accept these feelings and thoughts as legitimate, I become more tolerant of myself or of others. And finally I accept to recognize that it is also part of me, that I have the right to think or feel it and I welcome it.
And peace and calm returns. The dialogue resumes and my day-to-day functioning improves and enriches. I become more whole.
I have these very provocative, angry, suspicious and suspicious parts that have become more present in my daily life for 3 weeks.
I am someone in general who gives his confidence very quickly, always very politically correct, well behaved, gentle and calm ...
I began to doubt my shrink, my sister, everyone around me. Systematically, during my exchanges with the people around me, the conversations were fragmented and I focused only on a word, a sentence spoken, taken out of context.
For example, my shrink tells me that she exchanges with other professionals on dissociation, I deduce that shrinks have an information and training network. Let them hide information and guard their knowledge jealously instead of helping us. And I reproach him and reproach them for all these hours wasted on the internet looking for scientific articles on dissociation, books, films. I feel judged, rejected and demeaned to the status of "sick". I am angry that I cannot find this "perfect and ideal" "exchange group" that I am looking for. A group where people like me would share their findings and where only the "good supports" would be put forward. I forget the fact that people can have different opinions, different points of view. And I completely hide the fact that my shrink also told me that this group to which she refers is in fact a support system between shrinks, a kind of supervision and is not a place where they give each other support but rather, share their experiences and difficulties with their patients to help each other.
During a session with my shrink, one of my parties explains to him that "the sabotage of the papers" for the procedure I made was done deliberately by this party and explains to him the reason. My shrink is talking to other parties who were not present and did not have this information. My shrink keeps telling me that this "sabotage" was done by a party. I start to be suspicious of her. I think she tries to sow discord inside me and wants to turn my parts against each other ... I forget, I refuse to hear what she explains to me. I must beware of her.
I spend my time being in emotional demand with her and then blaming her for this dependence. If she is "cold and distant" she is a monster, I must be wary of her. If she's compassionate and understanding, she's a freak, I must be wary of her.
I am in the provocation. Permanently. Seeking to get it off its hinges. Seeking the faux pas which will allow me to prove that I am alone and abandoned, that this therapy is useless and that no hope exists.
A campaign is taking place on social networks at the moment, where the victims take their picture with a sign mentioning the age when their rapes took place and a hashtag stop denial, stop prescription, recognition of traumatic amnesia, instead of an age threshold for non-consent ... Some parties ask my shrink what she thinks if I participate. We are discussing this and my parties agree that I am not yet ready to testify publicly and some of them would be very anxious and terrified to do this and would feel in danger. My provocative parts retain only one thing from the conversation: my therapist refuses that I participate, she is on the side of the impunity of my rapists. I must not trust her. She's trying to control me.
Parts of me want to press charges against my ex-husband for rape and domestic violence. I discuss it in session with my shrink. Many parts follow one another and give their point of view. We recount the violence suffered. My moms parts explain that they don't want to do it because it would destroy my daughters. Despite all the harm he did to me, he is affectionate with his daughters and takes care of them and he participates in their "well-being and their balance". They need a father. Other parts explain their anger at my daughters, finding it unfair that they may have affection for him, finding it unfair that we cannot explain everything to them about what we have been through. Blaming them for preventing me from filing a complaint. Other parts say we need to focus on our healing and get better in our day to day. That the justice of men will not bring peace and that this justice is often unjust and full of disillusion. That what we have lived will not necessarily be believed and recognized and that this is not our main goal of healing. Parties bearing the memories of the rapes scream their hatred and anger. They want justice, they want to make them all "pay". They want to go to the police right now! I tell about marital rapes explaining that sometimes I screamed, sometimes I struggled but sometimes I was just a plank of wood, I didn't move, didn't say anything ... My shrink said at one point that this kind of marital rape is extremely widespread and common, trivialized in society, that many men do not perceive inaction and passivity as non-consent. My parts retain only one thing: it minimizes and excuses what I have experienced and what was done to me. She's on the side of rapists. I can't trust him.
I start putting my shrink and my sister "in competition". I ask his opinion of one then the other and if their opinions differ I deduce that one of the two is lying, one of the two tries to manipulate me and set me against the other ... can trust anyone.
I have a lot of times when my vision is truncated, biased. In session, I have times when parties come and do not recognize my shrink or his office. Everything seems foreign to me. I start mixing my shrink up with the wife of my main rapist again. I see the color of her eyes as an indicator that she looks like this monstrous woman from my past and my suspicion begins to increase. I need my shrink to show me that her eyes are not those of this abject woman to reassure me. They don't have the same color at all!
I have a lot of times when I don't recognize anything about my surroundings and the people around me as if everything was new to me. I am overcome by terror, anguish. I'm lost.
I have a lot of inner angry pits, the impression of being misunderstood, alone again.
I have a lot of flashbacks. My body then becomes an enemy. A place of unbearable suffering ...
The presence in front of my different parts was very fragmented. I only have snippets of information and I spend my days analyzing and replaying this event over and over in my head, causing despair, terror or anger to rise in me ...
During these 3 weeks, my shrink was great! She had a dialogue, welcomed my new games, helped the resumption of internal dialogue ... She explained and clarified each delicate and conflicting point. She knew how to reassure, surround with her benevolence my parts in emotional demand and at the same time rest the limits and healthy rules necessary for the therapy. She did not reject me or reproach me for my ways of being, my provocations ... She tried to understand, to dialogue ...
She accepted me as I am. My feelings and thoughts are acceptable, they have a legitimate reason for being. I have the right to be wary and to be on my guard. I have the right to be angry. I have the right to hate. Little by little I was able to imagine that I had the right to be like this, to act like that. That what I felt and thought was not bad or bad. Little by little I was able to try to understand the reasons for my actions, what was the cause, the logic.
Now I feel calmer and at peace.
My provocative and angry parts are beneficial.
They are the ones who have helped me throughout my life to see if I can trust those around me. They help me test the bond that binds me to others. See that you can be loved and respected even if you have a different point of view from the other. See and test if the person is manipulative or not, if he will be able to keep the right distance or if, on the contrary, he will profit from it and become a "guru". They know how to express out loud the misunderstandings of my other parts and help clarify what we perceive. They help a lot to see the inner inconsistencies and help me understand when I don't have a clear and complete view of the reality of my here and now. They help to unify points of view and initiate dialogue between my different parts.
It is not done in peace and quiet at the moment but it still helps me to become aware of it more quickly and forces me to deal with the problem as soon as it arises ...
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