It's been the mess for a few days!
I am at peace, I have no recollection going back, I am fine, nothing has happened to me.
Then I am invaded, the underground, the rapes, the blood, the cries of children, the pleas, the screams, the shadows around, the monsters who kill me, torture me ... Then anger, rage want to scream at everybody. Rage overwhelms me, rage against adults, my family, the sect. Rage against society, justice, accomplices ... Then rage against myself, anger, reproaches ... And I end the loop with a nice depression, dark thoughts, desire for suicide and despair ...
Right now a little head slice would look good on me, a good old guillotine, you know? The radical and fast kind ... That would solve a lot of my problems ... It would be over, no more struggling, no more facing this shit, I wouldn't hurt anymore, I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore , everyone would find something there ... What peace ...
Break the bowl of this mess! give up on doing the emotional yo-yo! Break the bowl of TDI !!!
Do you know what my life is? A fucking life on alternate custody. Alternate work, alternate mom, alternate love life, and even in my body I'm on alternate custody. Suddenly I'm an adult, suddenly I'm one of the Adams family, suddenly I'm the Happy Dwarf, suddenly Dopey, suddenly I'm a terrified little girl ...
Is this living? Damn it is NULL A SHIT!
I am not good anywhere, or only in the short term, I need solutions of leaks, possibilities of safe retreat. When I'm at home, all I want to do is run away and go somewhere else. When I am elsewhere, all I want is to return home safe ... A poetic way of saying that my life is a beautiful mess, a good fat tourist ...
But you know what would be good? To be able to talk about all that!
It makes me feel good when I find someone I can talk to about all this without shocking because I'm laughing and saying something terrible that I've been through. It does me good to be able to say that I have dark thoughts but without the person in front panicking and believing that I am going to commit suicide there in front of her eyes immediately ... and that she feels obliged to put on her beau savior costume for 5 minutes just to have a clear conscience (so we did not commit suicide in front of her eyes, she is not responsible) then 10 minutes later that she disappears from my life saying "AHHHHHH ! it's TOO MUCH for me! YES YES !!!! ". Or see that sort of look of a beaten dog all constipated because they're panicked and don't know what to say or what to do ... And when I see that face on people all I want to do is is to shake the coconut palm, yell at them or explode with laughter! Or all three at the same time! It annoys me !!!
And I need to be able to laugh and whine and moan in 5 minutes. Do everything in a row without appearing crazy because people in general have a mono-reaction: either they are happy, or they are sad, or they are angry ... And suddenly if I cry then I finish my sentence with a sarcastic joke, inevitably they do not know what to say, what to do, how to react ... And inevitably in their eyes either you are crazy or you are not really bad, not really in pain ... and they no longer know what to say, what to do, how to react!
Irony, sarcasm is my defense. How do I survive this anger and desperation without it? How would you do?
What would you want me to do? That we spend our time debating unicorn club, the weather is? Let's talk about it ! I want to be a green unicorn with a beautiful white glitter horn. Okay with you ? Do I look happy in life? Are you reassured?
But that's what feels good! TO LAUGH ! Fuck laugh at this shit !!! That's all I have left!
Laugh and yell, laugh and cry because I lived with crazy people, rapists, manipulators and everyone around was complicit.
Laugh because this fucking society doesn't believe me, laugh because I'm in a thousand pieces and if I give up, if I don't get up in the morning and I don't go to work, no one will come to me help and save me. No one will come and hold my hand when I no longer know how to do my job, when I'm lost, when I no longer have my skills. There is no AVS for me. And yet I would really need it! Someone I could whine with and let that little part there say how she feels, then laugh and regain my ability to see myself as an adult.
Laugh because EVERYTHING, absolutely everything in my life has been unfair. As a child, no one did anything and now as an adult I still have to do things on my own. And in addition I have to manage my apartment, my job, my life as a mother ...
I'm an adult but I'm also a 3-year-old, 4-year-old, 5-year-old, 6, 7, 8 9-year-old kid ... And society is asking this 3-year-old kid to take on a job, to take on a family life, to assume its survival. Again. Once again, this 3 year old has to survive on her own. And no one sees her. Nobody hears it. And she just got raped. We just locked her in cages with Dobermans roaming around, she was tortured. And we ask him that again. It is unfair !!!
I'm fed up !!! I want to fart everything, I want to kill myself but ohhhh sorry that we must not say it !!! It scares people! The only way to tell you is by having a laugh. That's all I have left. Laughing at me. What am I kidding!
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