07/06/2020 Vision tronquée et dépression.

Some of my parts are very present these days: depressive.

Everything that is happening in the media now, awakens my sadness and my feeling of abandonment. I do not understand how the man can be so bad, to do so much harm ... To have so much hatred ... The story of George Floyd, the police violence, the division of opinion in the United States ...

What causes a man to cut himself off from all feelings, to refuse the human and emotional part of the other?

How can he do it? How not to hear the suffering of the other, his distress?

I have idealistic parts that grew up with this idea that man can and should be a "saint", a person striving for "holiness" and those parts think that all men seek to accomplish this. They see all men as inherently good and seek to understand their actions, to excuse them. They must have a good reason for doing this, I have to understand why they are doing this ...

Other parties, on the contrary, believe that all men are bad, that they have always done wrong and always will, and that fighting is useless.

So I oscillate between these two ways of thinking and seeing things and that puts me in great pain. In these moments, I have the impression of having the body on fire, the hypersensitive skin, that the slightest contact will make me ignite. I live, I feel the hatred of others in my body in a physical and sensory way. I am nowhere good, I want to flee, I am hyperactive but without accomplishing anything concrete, I only want one thing to succeed in "getting out of my body", to escape this suffering that I feel.

I really need to protect myself from the media and information in general because it arouses my internal conflicts too much. All the announcements of violence against children, feminicides, murders plunge me into despair and activate my pessimistic parts who see in this a proof that no hope exists.

I am also very sensitive to the conflicts between the different associations that fight against violence and seeing that they regularly tear each other apart reinforces the impression of loneliness. If these associations never tear themselves apart, they will never succeed in changing things!

I have parties who think that society and justice are perfect in opposition to the sect. They believed that it would be enough for me to flee the sect to be safe and be saved. Unfortunately the reality is very different… The sect taught me to beware of society, according to them, society is unfair, bad, selfish, unhealthy… And in a way, they were right. Every day, examples of information prove it ...

I have to constantly struggle internally with my beliefs.

The sect is bad, they are monsters, I am not safe, I must flee. Society will save me, protect me, listen to me, justice will do its job and judge the sect.

Since I left the sect, I had to learn and assimilate the functioning, the laws of life in society and I am disappointed, so disappointed !!!!!!!!! The children are not protected there any more, the social services are dangerous, the justice does not judge, it acquits the bad ones, the bad ones are powerful and have the power… People in general are selfish. They refuse to hear, they let it go, they close their eyes… Forging links is very difficult. To create friendships you have to play a role, not talk about anything or people walk away.

Talking about my DID is dangerous, people see me as dangerous or crazy. Despite the recognition of this disease in the DSM V and the CIM, TDI is not known in France and no one has heard of dissociation. Despite the evidence in neuroimaging, shrinks are torn by thinking that this is a fabrication.

I have a hard time understanding how and why people don't believe me. Why as soon as I broach the subject of dissociation or amnesia, the first question they will ask will be to know how I am being followed and if I am being manipulated. They don't want to hear that my symptoms have been present from a young age, they don't want me to talk to them regularly so that they can see for themselves that I have many parts and that they can interact with them to realize.

I feel lonely, so lonely sometimes!

All hope disappears, the future no longer exists and I am only suffering and fire burning inside ...

I learned to compartmentalize things in my mind because it was easier that way. Parts to live and see the good and the beautiful and parts to live and see the evil. Now I have to bring these two modes of thought together and it is very difficult because it does not solve the problem of understanding why evil exists and how a man is able to do it. Their actions do not take on more meaning or explanation. It still remains incomprehensible, illogical and inconceivable. And how to live with it?

And it's so hard not to be able to put people in one box or the other. On the one hand the good guys, on the other the bad guys. Before that was what I did, the first meeting with a person usually made me put them on a pedestal and then an action or reaction on their part activated my pessimistic parts and I plunged into chaos and despair. Now I understand better that man is "imperfect", makes mistakes, has good sides and not so good. I manage to conceptualize it for simple relationships but not for those who have a position, a responsibility in society. Judges, lawyers, doctors, social workers, priests, police officers… all these people in my mind have to be perfect and blameless because they have a role, a job. And I tend to idealize them and fall down on them when they show themselves to be "imperfect humans." For me, by virtue of their status, they must be "saints". And realizing that those are just "Men" plunges me into despair and anger.

I am constantly looking for saviors, relatives, friends but this search is doomed to failure because it is unrealistic.

Some time ago, I heard a lecture from a female forensic scientist who autopsied the bodies of migrants who died in the Mediterranean. She explained that she had been able to find the identity of these people by observing their bodies, their bones and had been able to inform the families. Parts of me wanted to contact her to ask her to autopsy me, they thought that this woman would be able to see and say everything that I had lived. That thanks to that no one would be able to doubt what I was saying!

I couldn't understand that I was not dead and that this woman was working on corpses. My thinking was truncated, there were blind spots, illogical things but I desperately clung to the idea that this woman could help me prove my point. I often have beliefs like this, the hope that I will find a way, a person who can prove my point so that my word is never questioned again.

I am gradually learning to look for ways to breathe, to regain hope and courage. Ways to be able to see a little light again in all this darkness.

I watch a lot of videos on animals, on the bonds of love, of trust that they form with men. And I try to get out into nature as often as possible, to absorb the peace and quiet that it gives off. I favor more and more positive information, seeking beauty, gentleness, kindness ...

And I try to get used to the idea that the most important goal for me is to get better, to understand my parts, to assimilate and integrate what I have lived to find peace and be finally free from these inner sufferings.

I try to make my different parties understand that justice will perhaps not be done the day when I will finally be able to go to the police, that maybe people will not believe me, that maybe they will be released and that the punishment they will have will never be equal to the suffering I have experienced and that will not erase what they have done to me.

Only my own healing matters and no one will really know what I've been through except me. I am the only one who can free myself, the only one who can soothe my suffering.

There will be no "prince charming", no "divine intervention", no "perfect parent", no "ideal friends" ... I am the only one who can save myself and I must agree to to live in this imperfect world and society because there is no other. I have to accept that nothing is simple, nothing is black or white and that what is beautiful and good is in the simple things and not in imaginary and grandiose hopes.