My sister is awesome!
I called her a lot today and yesterday. My different parts and I needed to talk, to express our sadness, our anger and our incomprehension about certain things of our present.
She's great because she often finds beautiful, very poetic metaphors to help us see things differently.
As it allowed me to find peace and positivity, I share it with you ....
I had to go through the first painful mourning of a meeting with a person who accompanied me. This person was very mothering, supportive ... A bit like a surrogate mother. At that time, it helped me a lot to accept my small dissociative parts, to understand that I had to surround them, to love them inside.
Currently I have to go through another painful mourning of another meeting with a person who accompanied me. It was decisive for my dissociative parts blocked in "adolescence". She helped them grow, to understand what had been done to them. She taught me to dialogue internally, to reestablish unity within. Thanks to her, we are no longer compartmentalized internally. I no longer feel things in separate and fragmented ways. We are no longer fighting for the sharing of time. There is no more refusal for me to go to work, no more struggles ... We listen to each other. We accept to feel. We accept our complex thoughts and feelings. We are no longer running away. We trust each other.
Now I am an adult. I feel more adult. I have fewer small or teenage parties. They have grown up. Several of my dissociative parts have merged. My part (the one I represent with the blue coat), the one that allowed me to calm down and feel inner love and peace, is no longer there. She did not disappear of course. No part disappears or dies. It merged with some of my controls, observers and anger, work. We have a core now. A core of ones. There are still many other parts that have not merged. But I have a core of ones.
I know it, I feel it because now, when this part that gives heat in the body wants to reassure us, I don't feel the same anymore. Before, when she came, I felt a wave of heat on my skin. As if someone covered my body with a heated coat. And I felt my whole body go to sleep, I felt my heart beat more calmly, I was cut off from all the pain I had previously felt. As if she put everything on pause and offered me a huge sun bath and well-being, peace. She covered me with a cocoon of love. She is always there. But I don't feel it the same way anymore. Now I am no longer cut off from my previous feelings. I feel them, I hear my thoughts related to these feelings but I also feel heat coming from my stomach. Now the feeling of love and peace, she gives it from within. I feel it like a fire warming gently in my bowels and I hear it reassure me. "It's going to be fine, don't worry. We're not alone anymore, we're one, we're strong."
My control parts are also no longer there. No longer there in the sense, no longer a unique and separate part from the others. Now I no longer need them to control which part can or cannot come, can or cannot intervene or show itself, express itself ... Now I no longer need "control". We accept to live together, to listen to each other, to believe each other, to feel other points of view ... There is therefore no longer any need for "leaders" or "despots" who orchestrate everything. We are equal to each other. Every opinion counts. Every feeling counts. Every thought is legitimate.
I have no more moment when I only feel one thing. That of anger or that of despair or that of the good being. I feel it all at the same time. And I am not frustrated by it. A few months ago I was. I was still in this search for the absolute, black or white. Now I appreciate this constant sharing. Things, life seems more real to me, I'm no longer torn between two points of view, two opinions. I'm fine and things bother me. I am well and I still have to improve my daily life but I do not feel any anger or shame or frustration. I know that little by little it will come. I am sad and I feel alone AND I appreciate the people around me and the beautiful things in life. I have the right to be angry and sad if human relationships don't go the way I want, end the way I want and I am able to see the positive of what this has brought me, I'm grateful for that and I know that today I need something else, that this relationship is at an impasse. I don't struggle as I have in the past between attachment bond and fear of attachment. I am sad of course, angry, in the misunderstanding. But we don't struggle. We console ourselves. We listen to each other. We support each other. We trust each other.
Here is the metaphor my sister told me:
“There was a time like you were a child. Then you became a teenager. Your needs were different in the two cases. Today you are a young adult. It is painful to leave your 'family'. , the people who made you (re) born, helped you grow ... But today you are able to fend for yourself. You are strong. You are together. You are capable. "
And that's what I really feel. I no longer need the same links. I took a path that is no longer the same. My needs are different.
All progress is positive. Even if links change, even if doors close ... others open! Life is full of surprises and what is most important is to trust yourself, listen to yourself, believe in yourself and in your ability to cope!
This is the road to healing for me!
And when I see how we have changed, I have no doubts.
Our operation is so different! For two months, we have agreed. We listen to all points of view, we decide. I am no longer fragmented. More in the sense that it was. I am no longer one or the other. I am. I am complex, I am multiple. I am.
Some of my "abilities" are different. I have to adjust to my "new me". I no longer manage to spend whole hours writing an article, without any notion of time, cut off from the world, only in my thoughts. I can't draw for hours, I get tired faster. I have a lot more trouble reading articles in English and I often have to use "google translate" to be able to read it to the end, whereas before I had parts that could be immersed in it for hours without feel tired. At work, my abilities are also different. In general, I am no longer in the "hyper". It will take a little time to get used to it but I'm happy with it. I have no more amnesias of my present, I am no longer a yo-yo in emotions and thoughts. I am whole and it is a real happiness!
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