07/02/2021 Fatigue and anger

That's it, the mess is gone ...

I'm angry, frustrated ... I hear moaning in my head, sighing, crying, screaming ...

I feel waves of anger in my body, waves of heat that go up and down, I want to bang on the table next to me and hurt myself, I want to scream like crazy .

I experience great depression, the impression of being without strength, I hear cry, I have tears in my eyes.

I feel confused like the mind in a fog, my vision is clouded and my surroundings seem very strange and distant.

I can not stand it anymore ! It is excruciating to feel! It is excruciating to yo-yo like this!

I feel completely lost. I no longer know what to cling to, what is the thought, the feeling, the feeling to privilege, adopt, believe? How can I appease this?

This morning, I wanted to start studying, redo the articles on my site that I had to delete. Everything about theory. Some of my parts are still angry and want to fill these "gaps".

Some are in stubborn and petty teenage mode and want "revenge" for what they consider a betrayal of my therapist and want me to hurry and rewrite the missing articles. They are very impatient and angry. They overwhelm my head with angry thoughts and I have a hard time concentrating and not losing patience!

Since this morning I have been trying to read and annotate the book "Managing Traumatic Dissociation" by Van Der Hart, Steel and Boon. But I can't.

In fact I think what angers me the most for being unable to write the theory on dissociation is that every time I am prevented from doing so by the struggles between my dissociative parts.

Some parts are afraid to read and prevent us from reading because they think that these theoretical books will too quickly give keys to my parts in a hurry to move forward and heal. They go into protection mode and only let us read and remember certain concepts.

How to make yourself understood?

I have SO MANY dissociative parts inside !!! So many voices, so many wills, visions of what is good for me which are contradictory and constantly fought !!

Whenever I want to read something it's a rat race!

If it's written in English, all my parts that don't know that language are bitching and bothering us. Because they refuse to be put aside, not to understand or depend on translations and explanations from other parties (those who understand this language). They will either make me feel very tired and then I have a very strong desire to sleep. Or they will cry or scream or sing. I then hear such a hubbub in my head that it becomes impossible for me to understand anything!

When it comes to the theory on the DID, here too it is complicated!

Some believe that we have already understood enough and that we are now able to explain the essential and relate it to our experience. So there is no more energy and time to waste in this.

I feel like I'm wasting my time. This book, all the books on dissociation theory, I've read them! I know it ! They are dog-eared, underlined, annotated ...

But I have NO memory of it! I don't know what they are talking about. I don't know when I read them. I don't know which part did it. And I don't understand why she did it without it being shared with me. Why me, I am amnesic. Why am I being put aside. I'm mad !

I feel so frustrated that I can't get my whole game system to work together! I so wish I could do the things I decided to do without being stopped, without losing control and disappearing in the back because another party took my place and decided to do something else today! I'm sick of "wasting time"! I'm sick of having amnesia all the time! I'm sick of this forced cohabitation!

And I'm angry with my therapist who is selfish. I find her selfish. It's not easy for me! If I had the chance, if they let me do it, of course I would research and study on my own! I love that ! If I could, I would spend all my time, all my energy! I need to understand, to dissect, to think. I like this ! When I have the opportunity to do it, I feel so good! The world around no longer exists, everything is nothing more than thoughts, reflections ... It is as if time stands still. There is no more suffering, no more worry, no more feelings ... My body no longer exists and I am no more than a mind which reflects and reads, which learns ... And what - what I feel good!

And because of these blockages from other parts, our website sucks and will remain so. We will pass for a moron and a madwoman. Without theory, our speech has no weight, no value.

It's all because of my therapist and the other parts!

I hate to feel stupid. I hate being in this body and having to share it with dirty kids, babies, morons. When they are there, it's not me! I am not like that! It is not me !