Following the publication of the article "The TDI Sect" yesterday, some parties asked my shrink to read it and tell us what she thought about it because some parties were concerned that they might have hurt people or 'having expressed things badly. My shrink told us that it would be interesting to write another article showing that not all of our parties felt the same way as those who were involved in writing the article. And told us that the word "sect" might confuse and cause misunderstanding.
Yesterday and today have been difficult days full of internal conflicts. A lot of anger with my shrink. Lots of internal anger and misunderstandings, mistrust ... We didn't want to rewrite anything.
Right now it is a period of discord again. I feel a lot of mistrust against my shrink and against my sister. And I switch a lot, so I have a lot of periods with narrow thoughts and beliefs. Much more present than before. I misunderstand things or I focus on a sentence, an attitude and I get carried away over it. This inevitably arouses inner mistrust because I have the impression that I do not always have all the conversations that take place outside, that I do not understand everything and I have big mood swings. An angry blow, a desperate and suicidal blow, a playful and positive blow, a frightened blow ...
It is very exhausting and hard to live!
And this passage is very frustrating after quite a long period of cooperation and mutual aid. I feel like I'm falling into chaos and stepping back into my therapy.
And feeling all this anger and mistrust against my shrink is very scary and frustrating ...
Tonight a party wants to write, my part "grumpy smurf":
"Shit day! Shit conflicts!
I'm fed up ! I'm sick of this shrink. I'm sick of this life that sucks!
I'm fed up with these rotten days, this rotten job ...
I'm fed up, I'm good nowhere. It hurts all the time and I can't stand it anymore.
I don't know if I should trust this shrink. I don't know if she knows what she's doing. I don't know if it's good that we continue to see her.
I'm fed up ! Everything sucks, rotten!
There will never be peace. Peace is not possible. Never.
We'll never find help. Help doesn't exist. What I write here sucks and this site is useless. Talking is useless. Everything is for nothing.
I don't like life here. I don't like the apartment where I live. He sucks, he is ugly.
This shrink anyway she always criticizes what I write. She says it would be nice if I explained that there are other parties who think differently than the one who wrote the article on "the TDI sect". But I don't want to. The company sucks. The TDI are zero. People suck. Everything sucks. It is useless all that anyway there is nobody listening. Person who understands. No one who knows. It is useless ! To nothing ! And we're not moving forward. There is nothing moving forward. Never !
There is no such thing as hope and no one can understand us. And whatever we write we will hurt people or people will get angry or understand nothing. It is useless. It won't work.
Nothing ever works.
Yes there are assholes and morons in there who want to find friends in TDI bands. These morons they are always looking for a friend. They are there begging to beg all the time. Yeah yeah I want a mom and dad. I want to be loved. Get me drunk those there! What I want is for this shrink to get rid of these fucking stupid parties!
I don't want bad kids in my head. I don't want bad kids out there (the two girls). It's not mine. I have no kids!
Yes there are some fucking parts that want to be in control and like it and that would want to map and name and know exactly how many parts are in that fucking shitty body! But they'll never know, and it makes me laugh that others inside piss them off and hide a lot of things from them. I like it when they moan and know nothing. Fucking nosy. Fuck eat shit. Fucking informers. All they want this shit of parties is to go to the police and tell the whole story.
And me it makes me laugh that they can't. This shrink she calls these parts impatient. Haha! They come in front of the shrink and they stamp their feet ... "I'm fed up, it's not moving fast enough! I want us to go faster! What can we do to go faster? " Haha !!!
Really funny ! They are stupid!
They still do not understand that it is useless! Talking to the police is pointless. Talking to people is pointless. Nobody cares !
And searching the internet is useless. There is nothing anyway and there will never be anything.
What other people want is to find people like us but it does not exist.
And the word "sect" why is it not good to put it? Huh? What is it going to shock people? It didn't shock them that I was living in a sect. Nobody cared what was going on ... So today in this fucking "here and now" (I hate that fucking shitty phrase that they repeat all day long like a mantra, and what shocks you if I say that I am in the sect of the "here and now"? Me that makes me laugh.) we still do not have the right to say that word. What is too "hard" for you to hear? What exactly is that word? Sect. Sect. Sect. Yes I grew up in a fucking cult and that doesn't give me the right to use that word as I see fit? Can't you see the humor in the title? Well yes the sect of TDI. Something obscure, known to very few people. With a specific vocabulary "Parts, PAN, PE, dissociation, TDI, switcher" ... Have you ever heard the local people use these words? When you talk about it around you, don't people have their eyes sticking out of their pupils looking at you like what he's talking to me about? And the first thing they answer is "your shrink would not have induced you these memories are you sure"? So you still don't see the irony, the parallel?
I find that funny!
So I was in a fucking cult, a weird, weird thing, outside of society and now I have a weird, weird, little-known disease ... The crazy local ...
And I don't have the right to laugh a little while saying "the sect of the TDI"?
Why am I not allowed to draw parallels?
Oh yes, there are bitches in there who at one point wanted to make a youtube channel too to show the switches. But we didn't. I'm not a fucking clown. I'm not your guinea pig. I am not a circus animal!
And yes there are in it at the beginning 3 years ago, they were talking the wrong way, to anyone. They told it all. They were calling for help. And they weren't suspicious.
And piss off that TDI. Piss off not being a controlling party. These control parts are null!
Me if I was a control it's been a long time since I would have crushed all these others who piss me off. I would have released them from MY life, from MY body.
And piss off this shrink who says we don't understand anything. And that we do not understand what she says.
We understand a lot. It's a mess right now. We no longer have the right to stay long. Looks like a broom in there. We are entitled to a few minutes and then we leave. So we don't know if there is a lack of information happening in front of it. It's not our fault. You're funny ! Try to understand something when you have a gust of wind that carries you every 5 seconds then brings you back then takes you ...
It's a mess right now.
Piss off that TDI.
And piss off that shitty life! "
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