Difficult week ... I have to work in "mono mode" again, be either my "mom parts" or my "work parts".
One of my daughters is having a difficult time and needs me, her mom.
So I had to put aside my advances in my therapy and be there for her, surround her, listen to her ...
I have to function like this, cutting myself off again from some of my dissociative parts.
For several reasons :
Because I had to talk to his school and talk to other professionals to help him.
During these exchanges, I have dissociative parts that could if I do not control who comes:
- cry and ask for help, because they identify with my daughter.
-or express some form of jealousy or a feeling of injustice because my daughter benefits from listening to which I was not entitled. My parts could express negative things that professionals would not understand ...
This situation creates internal conflicts in me.
Some of my teenage dissociative parts are doing reflections in my head (which I don't say or show, but hear in my head):
- "but what a soft ball!",
- "What was difficult for my daughter? Why is she putting herself in this state when her life compared to mine is so easy? She has been protected. She is listened to."
- "Fortunately we protected her, she is so weak that she would never have survived what we experienced".
Some of my teenage parties find it hard to understand that my daughters are still children and that what I went through was not normal. Sometimes it happens to me to feel anger towards my fleas, the urge to shake them, to tell them to toughen themselves because the world is so hard ....
I never let these parts speak or act. But I feel their feelings, their emotions, their thoughts and beliefs in me. Little by little, I try to make them understand what it is to be a mother, and to repair in a certain way my wounds of attachment by my own way of being a mother with my daughters.
But that does not prevent the reawakening of my wounds, my anger, my feeling of injustice ... Because they have what I did not have ... And sometimes it is painful for my child dissociative parts and teenagers.
I also think some of my teenage parts, the anger they feel is actually fear, mom's worries. These dissociative parts would sometimes like to apply in the education of my daughters their own mode of functioning, of protection which they put in place to save me. For them, you should not cry, not complain, not express your weaknesses, your difficulties ... Because it is dangerous. You have to be strong, invincible, move forward at all costs and let nothing show. Even though they internally express anger in fact they are very attached to my daughters and seek to help them, protect them as they do with me.
Other parts are angry because once again I have to put aside my own well-being for my daughters, come second. And I hear them moaning in my head: "It's our turn now, we've waited long enough. We're in pain and you'd rather take care of your daughters than us. You don't care about us. Us we don't exist. " And I hear crying, I feel sadness and a very strong feeling of abandonment, loneliness and hopelessness. As my daughters have grown up, being less dependent on me, in recent years I have allowed myself to take time for myself. I used to meet their needs, forgetting about myself. And lately I had managed to reconcile the two. Not always responding immediately to their requests, delegating, asking them to participate, sometimes saying no because I felt that I was too tired and that I needed to rest and listen to myself ....
I also took a lot of time to (while controlling all the same) let some of my teenage or child parts come and live moments, share moments with my daughters. It could be during a walk, an outing, a game, moments of laughter, exchanges of jokes, discussions about the future, dreams of travel ... Thanks to that I had a lot less moments in my daily life where certain dissociative parts were in rejection. They could sometimes scream in my head "it's not mine, I'm not a mother, I'm a child, a child isn't a mother, I don't want" ... So I had a lot less moments of conflict internal when spending time with my chips. Some parts were even starting to appreciate these moments of exchange, to feel the pride of being a mother and to appreciate the qualities of my daughters.
Suddenly it is quite frustrating for many to go back to an operation where I am only a mother when I am with them. It's a step back when we had taken so many steps and it felt so good this possibility of feeling me, completely, without having to hide or be silent ....
Other parts that have trouble understanding the difference between my past and my present identify my daughters with my abuser, his family, the cult. I then hear things in my head like: "they are with them, they are them, they want to silence me like them, they want to manipulate me, they pretend and you fall into the trap, you obey them ... "
I obviously never let them express themselves and act in the presence of my daughters. But the fact remains that they are there and have great difficulty in not amalgamating. The feet of one of my daughters, the color of her eyes remind me of the wife of one of my attackers. Those are triggers for that part that can see behind this woman who hurt me a lot. In therapy, I try to work that, I let these parts come out and express themselves with my psychiatrist. Little by little they came to understand that my present, my daughters are different from my past. But as soon as in my present, mother-daughter conflicts appear, they start to amalgamate again ... It's difficult for me.
To hear their suffering, to welcome it is difficult !!! Painful! Especially for my mom parties who love my daughters so much! And my patience is also strained because these teenage parties are very strong, combative, stubborn ... So discussing is not easy because discussing with a surly teenager can be annoying, frustrating, hurtful ... And they don't change their minds and beliefs quickly or easily ...
Until now, when I could and it was safe, I let my dissociative parts be present during privileged moments.
On the level of education, mother daughter relationship, attachment, we do not all agree on the inside. Most of the time, we make internal compromises and when we do not find an agreement, we make a "coup", "democracy" is put aside and my mum parties resume their role and manage.
But in the long term, this is not the solution for me !!!
As I have said many times already, what has helped me and helps me the most is being able to let all my dissociative parts express themselves. Sometimes, some parts obviously need a time of "preparation" or "acclimatization" in a safe place like in therapy before being able to come in my daily life. A time for discussion so that they calm down and can interact in my present with appropriate and adapted reactions. But that's really what keeps me going the most, which also fixes my injured psyche.
For now it is so. I can not do otherwise. But it is very frustrating !!!
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